Dealing with unrequited love
My broken heart was the worst thing imaginable... but it does get better
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"I vividly remember the day I came back home and essentially had to be ‘mammied’ for a week"
I’m one of the few people my age that I know of who just hasn’t been able to make a relationship work for any longer than a couple of months. There are many reasons for this. For some, the blame firmly lies with me, others have seen me royally screwed over but I had always been able to get back on the saddle and chalk it down to experience.
I had gotten myself into a space where I was riding the crest of a wave a little bit. My career was progressing well and I had really acclimatised to living the City life, being a man about town and generally always having people to socialize with. Little did I know that a monumental fall from grace was just around the corner.
My last job saw me work very closely with the person I ended up falling for. It was most definitely something that I had repressed repeatedly over the course of the previous months, usually subconsciously and in hindsight it was all to do with protecting what had become a very close friendship, in what was a fairly high-stress environment. I had everything sussed in my head. It made perfect sense to me that we would end up together and nothing was going to convince me otherwise.
We’ve all seen endless films on how these things are supposed to go. Your stereotypical romantic comedy sees the heartbroken one recover as six months passes in the space of 10 minutes. Life, on the other hand, doesn’t allow you to choose the moment that you realize everything that had built up over previous months. It doesn’t allow you to choose the person either. As a matter of fact, there’s very little that you can control. Fundamentally, I had to learn the hard way that there is no way under the sun of controlling how the person you adore will react.
To have the person that you have emotionally invested so much in treat your feelings with disdain is the bitterest pill to swallow. Not to say that I blame her for not feeling the same way, as a matter of fact, I thought a lot about that old quote from Wuthering Heights with Catherine on her deathbed telling Heathcliff –
Not to say either that my broken heart had a profound effect on her. I think she misses the friendship to an extent but the point I’m trying to make is that my feelings are my own, just as her feelings are her own and my broken heart is much more to do with me than it is to do with her. I just wish she hadn’t done so by text message.
Unrequited love is difficult
Unrequited love is without a shadow of a doubt, the worst thing that I have ever been through. I vividly remember the day I came back home and essentially had to be ‘mammied’ for a week. I didn’t want to eat, I took sleeping tablets, I thought about how I would throw away all of my career progression just to be with her and I have never cried so much in my life. Then when I thought I was out of the woods, full-on emotional attacks would hit me.
All of this was unprecedented for me. So too has been the recovery process. I removed myself from all social media for a solid month so as to stop tormenting myself. I was fortunate enough to be able to surround myself with close friends and my mother, the only person who seemed to really understand what I was going through, may very well have saved my life as I struggled to see the point in anything at all.
Four months on and I’m back to normal again. There’s a tattered friendship which may never be fixed again but as a basic principle, I’ve got to do what’s best for number one for a while. This one I can really chalk down to experience. Next time I won’t be so naive. The above paragraph is only a snapshot of what my life has been like since May. Only I will really ever know the gory details and if you ever go through a similar experience then you’ll know what I’m talking about.
Everyone’s pain is theirs and theirs alone but thankfully irrational thoughts of throwing away everything I’ve worked for have perished and I’m even starting to get my mojo back a little bit. If you’re there right now then I feel for you with all of my heart but just try to reach out to your support network, appreciate the time you have alone with your thoughts and at least try to rest safe in the knowledge that we get better. Take it from me, it’s not just a cliché.