Making it through mental health struggles

Doris Murphy talks about tough times and how she made it through.

I am an advocate for mental health awareness. I listened avidly to Upbeat.ie, the pop-up radio station run voluntarily by DJs to support Mental Health Awareness Week, and was inspired to expose my own darker side.

If I were to indulge in some self-evaluation, I would characterise myself as a chatty, friendly, cheerful, social butterfly. Even my most distant acquaintance would probably attest to this. I won a unanimous award in Irish College for ‘An Cailin Is Chairdiula’, the friendliest girl. I love getting to know new people, and regularly prune my friend list on Facebook to keep it under 1000 people.

This is one facet of my personality, admittedly 95% brightness and light. But there is a competing darkness which rears its ugly head when I am stressed or vulnerable. The first time I remember encountering this darkness was at the start of 5th year in school. I got 11 As in my Junior Cert, owned Transition Year, and was expected to run the Leaving Cert party. But suddenly, I couldn't do a simple simultaneous equation, not to mind say the three part simultaneous equations we were progressing to.

What was happening? It took me 40 minutes in English to start Question 1A in a reading comprehension. My mum and dad were abroad at a wedding, and I was in charge of cooking dinner for myself and my brother. I just couldn't get the rice and curry hot at the same time. My mind crumbled. I was brilliant, intelligent, competent, and I couldn't heat up a curry? I took to kneeling down, with my head on the floor. It was the only thing that grounded me. After 5 minutes I could get up and use the microwave again.

Pre-exam panic

So this was Episode 1. I slowly came out of it, without ever really mentioning it or understanding what had happened. Episode 2 began in February of 6th year. After receiving 580 points in my pre-exams, I was approaching my oral exams, and totally panicking. I was completely fluent in French and Irish, but still went for a walk every single evening where I forced my mother to ask me questions in the two languages. The pressure to match my pre-exam results was totally self-exerted, but totally real. The struggle of the CAO added to this, and made me an incoherent mess. Some good friends and my ever-present mother helped me out of this funk, and I sailed through the Leaving Cert without a backward glance or a B, C, or D.

Episode 3 was in October of 4th Year in college. I had my first placement of final year, dealing with kids for the first time in a year and a half. I got a 1H, but not as high a mark as usual. A practical exam left me in bed for two days. Again I got a 1H, but was certain I had failed my first ever exam. Two friends approached me separately to ask me was I ok, and I appreciated that this time at least someone other than my mother could take some of the weight off my shoulders.

I went to Dingle to my sister for a few days, cried an awful amount in public places, stayed in bed all day, and read parts of the brilliant "Flourishing" by Maureen Gaffney, psychologist. This book with its mixture of anecdotes and scientific studies appealed to my nerdy side. The main thing I took from it was her ‘flourishing ratio’. She explained that negative thoughts are more powerful than positive thoughts. Thus, to merely stay afloat, we must have 3 positive thoughts for every 1 negative thought. To really flourish, we must have 5:1 good:bad. I assessed my own thoughts over one minute, and was disturbed to realise I had maybe 7 negative thoughts to 1 positive thoughts. How was I even still breathing? I told my sister, who agreed to make this ratio a conscious project. For every event that day, we forced ourselves to find 5 positive thoughts about it. Slowly, but surely, I made it out alive.

Episode 4, in May 2013, was related to an unfortunate event, when my workplace closed. I found this very hard to deal with, and I also received a very hurtful letter from my previous employer, which genuinely ruined my confidence. I thought I would never get another job, as I work in a very small and selective profession, where references are highly sought after. I found it extremely difficult to get excited about my beautiful sister's wedding, a joyous family occasion. My sister and mother knew what I was going through, and helped as much as they could. They parcelled me off to Bali for the month of July, where slowly I healed.

Episode 5. from February to May 2014, was the most recent episode. It was the mildest but longest-lingering. This was in relation to exhaustion at work. I wasn't sure if this was the job for me, and had no interest in going out.. I cried a bit with my mum on the beach, chatted in depth with a wonderful wise friend in Kilkenny, and pulled myself together! Not long after, I got offered another job in a project I adored, and everything came up Milhouse.

Relying on a wonderful support network

So there it is, a longer than I expected detailing of my mental health matters. Just to show that even the cheeriest Little Miss Sunshine has her dark days. I was recently challenged by someone who was "concerned" that I was "always on a high" and that some day I might crash. She said this rather gleefully. I thanked her for her concern, and told her not to worry, I had had lower days than I hoped she would ever experience. This stopped her in her tracks, and in faux-empathy she enquired did I have anyone to talk to. I caustically replied "yes, people I trust". I meant it as a kick in the teeth, and stand by it. How dare anyone comment on another person's mental wellbeing or coping mechanisms?

Luckily she is in the minority, I actively surround myself with warm, positive people, and have the most gorgeous immediate family and friends. I now have a core gang that would give their right arm to brighten up my day, as I would for them. I have never accessed professional help. This is a personal weakness, I rarely go to the GP or physio, despite being an allied health professional myself. I might get to it one day. For now I rely on the wonderful support network I have built up around me.

Another wonderful support is Marian Keyes. This wonderful author gives the most shrewd descriptions of depression and anxiety. She has suffered appalling episodes of depression herself, and chronicles it beautifully in books such as Lucy Sullivan is Getting Married. It is within this book that I first identified with a description of the darkness that I experienced. It was a relief to know that this wonderfully witty woman had survived the darkness, and could reflect on it humorously and insightfully. Thanks Marian, for the hope, and daily LOLs on Twitter. She is very funny, and my most cherished and anticipated Twitter pal's feed to read.

So there you go! Whether you or someone close to you ever has to deal with the murky darkness, just know that there is a glorious, radiant light at the end of the tortuous tunnel. I, Marian Keyes, and others are testament to this. And if you are finding it hard to reach out for help, the Samaritans, Console, Aware, Pieta House, and other organisations are there to offer non-judgmental advice and support. To finish, try your best to emulate a glow-worm: I wish I were a glow-worm, A glow-worm's never glum, How could you be unhappy, When the sun shines out your bum?!