Find Mental Health Support Talk to someone now

My first encounter with meditation occurred in my counsellor’s office in 2018. I had an idea of what mindfulness meditation could be, but I did not know that I had to be aware of the world around me, and especially of myself. Sitting still was the last thing I wanted – I wanted to run away as fast as I could from my anxiety, strip it away, wear it off with jumping jacks.

My counsellor asked me to close my eyes and focus on her words. The words she was quietly reading were trying to paint a peaceful scene in my head, simultaneously inviting me to breathe deeply. My body could not stand the horrible feeling of restlessness anymore, I felt my cheeks turning red with anxiety.

I never did this exercise again until a year later, when I decided I would give meditation another chance. Mindfulness can be scary at first, but isn’t everything terrifying for the first time? The first day in college, first date, first interview, first job, and many other day-to-day activities.

Mindfulness is the intention to be aware of my surroundings; it is the act of living in the present purposefully, observing the environment non-judgmentally. When living with restlessness, anxiety or any other stimulative or mental illness, mindfulness can seem impossible, and it definitely seemed that way for me. So, I kept a mindfulness journal to describe my experience with living in the present. Here’s what happened.

“The 3 Mindfulness Journal Prompts” 

In order to start and fully embrace my mindfulness experience, I have chosen 3 journaling prompts to enhance my participation in the exercises. With those exercises, I was hoping to achieve a better understanding of myself, my past and my subconscious behavioural and thought patterns. Below are the prompts I used and their effects on my understanding of my environment.

“Describe your childhood bedroom using all five senses” 

This exercise has helped in shedding a light on how nostalgic I feel about my childhood bedroom in my hometown. It made me realise that there are a few things that I miss when it comes to living abroad, where I was born.

The smell of the air after thunder, the comfort of my friends, the safe space of my bed. However, I can also appreciate my move to Ireland and how far that has brought me in every aspect of my life. Honestly, it made me grateful for having the ability to experience life in two different countries, but also acknowledge that I should cherish my current reality in Ireland.

This mindfulness method made me wonder how my life would have looked like if my family and I stayed in the country I was born in. Would my personality be different? Would the relationship with my family be the same as it is now? I don’t know how much better or worse my experiences would have been, but now I understand that if we hadn’t moved I would have never met the people I now know, and this realisation made me more grateful than ever.

“How do you feel after going for a long, meditative walk? Does the world seem any different after you’ve been breathing deeply and paying attention?” 

This mindfulness exercise required me to take a mindful walk. I put my jacket on, took my house keys and phone with me to the nearby park. It was a great day for a walk – a bit frosty, but the perfect, sunny, Autumn evening. However, I found it very hard to concentrate and focus on being mindful.

As the leaves were starting to fall and turn orange, I found it hard to resist taking out my phone to take a few photos of the trees against the pink sky. That was when I recognised a pattern; I asked myself, ‘why am I not living in the present? Why can’t I just look at the trees and enjoy them at this moment, and let myself go? Why does everything have to be documented?’ As soon as this realisation enlightened me, I let go of my need to hold on to my memories, and I just let every passing moment be as is; and that never felt more soothing.

“Write about a tiny detail you noticed today—light falling on a leaf, a broken clasp on a necklace, an unusual stone.” 

When I had controlled my need to grab my phone, I finally started to notice things about the people in the park that I usually probably wouldn’t have noticed. I was fascinated by my observation that almost no person who walked past me in this gorgeous park, was being mindful.

I mostly saw people rushing to get home or cycling past through the park. No-one stopped for a second to enjoy the view of the sunset, or the trees by the river. It has made me realise that we all live in a world where we are constantly trying to get things done, rushing somewhere to do this task and then another, to just wake up the next day and do the same. All of a sudden, while I stood there and appreciated my view, I saw life for what it really is – delightful.

Mindfulness gave my life meaning

Even though the pain of being still, in the beginning, was mentally excruciating, I overcame it. I felt that I did not have to let my anxiety dictate me. Mindfulness is about being in the present, and the only thing that we have right now is the present, so why not fully embrace it?

Since I was young, I’ve been always trying to get to the next moment; the next hour, the next break, the next year, and so on. Mindfulness made me realise that focusing on the past or future is just a waste of now because the reality is that I only can control the now, and I should make full use of it.

The definition of mindfulness is the ability to be aware of what’s happening in the present moment, both inside of your body and in the world around you.

My journey with mindfulness has been long, rewarding, grounding, challenging and ever-changing but it is also not over yet. I was first introduced to mindfulness quite a few years ago while in secondary school and I tried it while in school but never practised it consistently. When I went through a big break-up last year, mindfulness was one thing I turned to and I have never looked back.

People can sometimes use mindfulness to help with a number of things, including stress, anxiety, chronic pain, depression and insomnia. It can boost attention and improve sleep. I noticed improvements in all of these areas in my life after practising mindfulness consistently for a couple of weeks following into months.

Your version of mindfulness

To me, and maybe a lot of other people too, mindfulness isn’t just mindfulness meditation, it is so much more. It’s the 30-minute self-care walk that I take, it’s the journaling, it’s the shower and skincare hour of the day. Anything I do to draw my attention to myself and my well-being at that moment can be a form of mindfulness.

Mindfulness meditation has been an amazing and rewarding experience for me. I love how flexible mindfulness practice can be. Here are numerous exercises you can do, some more structured than others. Personally, I started off with the mindfulness exercises that had the least structure. 

My practice

When I’m at work and I feel myself zoning out and going into a daydream, I make myself aware of that and I pull myself out of it by paying attention to myself, where I am and what’s going on. I notice every single one of my senses and I am mindfully aware of myself and my surroundings.

As I progressed on my mindfulness journey, I tried out some more structured exercises. I used these most often at the start or end of my day as a routine. I would do a body scan exercise, at the end of my day before I go to sleep. 

To do this, I lay flat on my back in bed and I focus my attention slowly and deliberately on every part of my body from head to toe. I become aware of any sensations, emotions or possible tension connected to any particular body part. I find these exercises immensely improve my day to day life, from feeling content within myself, with much more confidence and self-esteem, to being able to express myself better. 

I could take myself out to get food without my previous fear of doing so. I felt so much lighter within myself like I was walking on clouds instead of having the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Bumpy road

Like any journey, my mindfulness journey had some bumps in the road and it wasn’t positive the whole way through. A lot of people, including me, use mindfulness as part of their healing journey and these two journeys can be intertwined. 

For me, my mindfulness moments were often emotional and a lot of the time it may feel as if you’re on some out of this world emotional rollercoaster. No one’s healing and mindfulness journeys are linear. No two people’s experiences will be exactly the same, and that’s okay.

Mindfulness helped me grow into myself, helped me to love and appreciate myself and my surroundings. I finally found a way to be unapologetically me and finally be at peace within myself. I went into mindfulness without an end goal. At the time, I just hoped it would help me through a difficult time in life and it certainly did plus so much more. It’s okay if you start a mindfulness journey of your own without a final destination because it can surprise you where it may take you.

Taking mindfulness into the real world

I took so many skills from mindfulness activities and use them in my daily life now. When it comes to me being at work and being under pressure or feeling stress, I use breathing techniques from mindfulness exercises to recentre so I can deal with the situation.

All in all, mindfulness really transformed my life. I would recommend just trying some basic mindfulness activities with an open mind and giving it some time to show effects in your life. 

Mindfulness can reduce stress levels and anxiety, make us more aware of our unconscious minds including biases such as racism, boost self-compassion and positive body image, improve thought processes like attention span, and far more. 

Mindfulness can be defined as the ability to be aware of what’s happening in the present moment, both inside of your body and in the world around you. One part of mindfulness training includes a meditation practice. Essentially, it combines the practice of meditation with mindfulness to help you focus on the present moment, the here and now. 

Mindfulness is talked about so often that it can sometimes sound like the be-all and end-all of managing mental health. However, no one tool is the solution to everything. Having such a positive narrative around mindfulness can also make it feel like you’re the one doing something wrong if you don’t find the practice helpful.  

Meditation doesn’t work for everyone

If mindfulness meditation isn’t something you find helpful, you don’t need to worry and you’re not alone. In fact, a study on meditation more broadly found that 25% of people who regularly meditate have had unpleasant experiences with it.

Some of these negative accounts include feelings of anxiety or fear and an altered sense of reality. There are lots of people who find meditation difficult or don’t experience the benefits associated with it. 

Some people just don’t like doing it and that’s completely okay too. Currently, little is understood about why this is but with more research, society can build a deeper and more nuanced understanding of meditation to improve therapy sessions and mental health support. 

Discussing the limitations of mindfulness doesn’t mean you have to paint everyone’s mindfulness experience with the same brush. It simply highlights that mindfulness isn’t the only route to improving wellbeing.

Find what works for you

So if mindfulness meditation isn’t your thing, it’s not your fault and there are plenty of other ways to mind your mind too. Personally, I prefer to be doing something to focus on and switch off without having to concentrate too hard. What I mean is, sometimes it can be difficult to sit in silence and detach myself from my thoughts so instead, they start swirling around my mind and I get stressed about each one that pops into my head. 

But, if I’m baking, I can enjoy the process and focus on the task itself over anything else. I’m also doing something I love and I get a satisfying reward at the end. I also think that colouring in classes for wellbeing or drawing lines in Woodwork works for me. I think this is because I’m not consciously being mindful but the simplicity of the action means I can think about only that and still achieve a feeling of victory in some way when I finish it. My favourite tool is reading as I can get lost in the words and the story they hold.

Make your mental health toolkit unique to you

These are some of my tools along with other regular self-care practices like exercising in a way that helps me appreciate my body, spending time in nature, eating a balanced diet full of healthy foods and treats, spending time with family, friends and more. Nonetheless, the tools I use may not help you and actually, it’s unlikely that they all will because we are unique people and so our mental health toolkits should be too!

If you’re starting your mindfulness journey, you could experience all of the recorded benefits but it’s important to be aware that it’s okay if you don’t see the typical results. Either way, you can build up a toolkit that you can come back to and take your pick from. Instead of trying to make a generic tick-box practice work for you, learning more about your individual mental health is so much more valuable and it may include mindfulness meditation just yet.

Have you ever been faced with something that unsettles you and leaves you confused and lost? Have you ever had a day where you got frustrated about how unreasonably frustrated you were? Have you ever wanted to do nothing but exist, just for a moment? If you have, I empathise entirely. Everyone has tough days, weeks, or even years. Everyone needs some way to calm down, a coping method that allows them to observe their thoughts. For me, that method is Heartfulness.

What is Heartfulness?

Heartfulness is a lifestyle that encourages connecting with one’s true feelings and intuition. Its philosophy is that the heart is our true guide. Although we may be scattered and anxious in our minds, our sincere feelings in any situation are expressed through our hearts. It warms when we’re happy, hammers when we’re scared, clenches when we’re angry. Heartfulness strives to tune into the heart and be in a state of love, peace, and calmness. There are three aspects to the heartfulness practice: relaxation, meditation, and cleaning.

1. Relaxation

I usually do relaxation if I’m tense, or before meditation, but you can do it whenever you need. The relaxation process involves taking a few minutes for ourselves and observing our bodies. We take note of what muscles are tense, stiff, or sore, and relax. This YouTube video contains a guided relaxation exercise made by Heartfulness.

2. Meditation 

The process of heartfulness meditation is simple. Sit down comfortably, close your eyes, and imagine that your heart is full of love and light. You don’t need to focus on it. Thoughts will come and go as they want. I’ve spent many a meditation session completely distracted by a random song incessantly playing in my head. The heart isn’t supposed to restrict your mind, it’s supposed to be a haven where you can relax and be with your thoughts and ideas without being chained by any worries or responsibilities.

I try to practise heartfulness by myself at home, but for those practising traditionally, the first three meditation sessions are done with a prefect/preceptor, who guides you. These are called sittings. Those who teach heartfulness advise doing a sitting around once a week, especially when you’ve just started off.

3. Cleaning 

Cleaning is my personal favourite part of heartfulness. It has two parts, the first of which involves letting go of any anxiety, insecurity, or heaviness in your heart. The second is imagining that, after your heart is empty of negativity, you fill it with lightness and love. I like to actually imagine the light flowing in, but you can simply reminisce about happy, relaxing moments in order for your heart to feel light and joyful. There is a guided cleaning video made by Heartfulness too.

How does heartfulness compare to mindfulness?

You might have heard of mindfulness, which is the ability to be aware of what’s happening in the present moment, both inside of your body and in the world around you. Mindfulness and heartfulness are quite similar in their philosophies, with both focused on being present, appreciating, accepting, and reflecting.

Heartfulness switches the focus onto cultivating a sense of light and love in the heart. Some practices associated with mindfulness do this, such as Loving Kindness or Metta Bhavana. However, while these practices are based on presence as a starting point, they move to cultivation.

Mindfulness and heartfulness seem to make no sense at first glance. One can emphasise focus and the other can stress the importance of allowing your thoughts to drift. In reality, though, heartfulness and mindfulness work extremely well together.

Heartfulness can be an extremely tough meditation to grasp, especially in the beginning. How can you be happy and relaxed through sheer force of will just by sitting down and meditating? How are you supposed to enjoy meditation if your thoughts are always buzzing around?

Mindfulness is a great way to counter this problem. The mind can have more clarity and focus after mindfulness meditation, so it becomes easier to observe your thoughts and connect with the heart.

On the other side of the spectrum, heartfulness comes with multiple additional perks, the principal of which is a clear way of reflecting and connecting to your emotions. Mindfulness can help observe thoughts, while heartfulness can harness the power of one’s emotional intuition. With both together, I feel I can face life with poise and self-assurance.

Do what works for you

Meditation may sound idealistic to some, and those who try it may be discouraged by how little progress they make. I hate trying to meditate on bad days where I don’t even want to leave my bed.

However, meditation isn’t a prescribed rulebook. It’s simply a tool that you can mould to help you as you see fit. If I can’t focus on my breath and my thoughts are too negative and overbearing, I find that taking a hot shower or listening to music helps me more than forcing myself through a meditation session would.

However, I know when I’m stressed before an exam, or if I want to think calmly about a situation that I’m sensitive about, meditation is the best tool I have. It helps me remember that my flaws and insecurities are not my whole self and that I can trust myself to make thoughtful, sensible decisions, even during emotional moments.

Both heartfulness and mindfulness are transformative and wonderful, but they work best when you use them the way you want to. They’re a great opportunity to explore and understand your feelings, thoughts, and behaviours, as well as learning how to care for yourself as best you can.  So, take what you like from this article, and do what works for you.

Throughout my childhood I had countless medical interventions, so much poking and prodding that I can’t even quantify it. The aspect of this that I take the greatest issue with is that it was not explained to me why this was happening, why I was different to my friends and siblings, how this would ‘help’ me in future. 

I often felt alien, because I didn’t go through the same experiences my friends did; I didn’t have a first period as a tween, I didn’t have an interest in dating and my body looked different to my friends as they had developed body hair, breasts etc. where I had not.

Unnecessary medical intervention 

Worse still, medical intervention many times did not help and sometimes hurt me due to mistakes made by my doctors. It is a very common experience for intersex people to have treatment where it’s not necessary. It’s also common for that treatment to be poorly done. In short, that’s because it can be difficult for people to accept that intersex bodies are (usually) healthy ones, with some added quirks. 

Interventions can happen for aesthetic purposes or to facilitate certain types of sex. Unfortunately, statistically, these interventions occur most commonly before the age of 2, meaning that our consent is not obtained. It’s only in my 20s that I’ve developed the courage to question my doctors. Nowadays, I am more comfortable in insisting that they respect my bodily integrity and autonomy. 

Finding the LGBTI+ community

As a teen, I often felt very awkward about my body, its quirks and the challenges it sometimes presented me. Fortunately, as I got older, I found community – first the broader LGBTI+ community, and then the intersex community. I learnt that I could be unapologetically myself, that there’s nothing wrong with being different, and that you can surround yourself with people who will like you just as you are. Finding intersex people, but also good friends and even romantic partners, who accepted me made all the difference to my confidence. 

Meeting other intersex people for the first time

It was only when I was around eighteen that I discovered that my ‘syndrome’ fell under the umbrella term of intersex, meaning there were other people like me. I met an intersex person in real life for the first time when I was 20 when a small group of around 6 intersex people gathered for the first meeting of what would become Intersex Ireland. 

We found ourselves talking for hours, part supporting one another, and part discussing all the work that has to be done for the intersex community in Ireland. On the back of that, we decided we need to work together on key goals such as the legal prohibition of non-consensual medical and psychological treatment, and education of society on intersex issues from a human rights perspective. 

Since then, we have been working on lots of different projects – for example, the ‘Ireland Turns Purple’ campaign, delivering ‘Intersex 101’ workshops to third-level students, the Intersex Mapping Study, raising awareness through the media and at Pride events, among other initiatives. We have also made ourselves known to the HSE and the Department of Justice, for example by attending consultations on the National LGBTI+ Inclusion Strategy. We hope to do much more work in this area. 

Supporting Ireland’s intersex community

In addition to advocacy and campaign work, we also work to support intersex people in Ireland on a more personal level. We are always very happy to meet more intersex people, whether they are hoping to rewrite the Gender Recognition Act, or simply have a coffee with someone who relates to their experiences.

We hope to do more and more work to make Ireland a better, safer place for intersex people as we grow.

If you have a question not best answered by Google or are an intersex person looking to reach out, please don’t hesitate to get in touch with us at [email protected].

spunout is excited to announce our latest campaign “Face up to Fat-Shaming”. Chosen by the spunout Action Panel volunteers, they are asking people to recognise and reflect upon the negative impact that body-shaming and fat-shaming can have. The campaign will highlight the personal stories of young people who have experienced fat-shaming or body-shaming, both from themselves and others, due to what society has taught them about being fat or living in a larger body. 

This campaign was chosen by our young volunteers as they felt that body-shaming and fat-shaming, in particular, is really common amongst young people and that because of this it was really important to start a conversation about why judging ourselves and others based on weight and appearance is not helpful.

Face up to Fat-Shaming Content

CW // **These articles reference eating disorders. Bodywhys helpline: 01 2107906 or [email protected] 

• 6 fat-shaming myths and the facts to tackle them
• How to combat family member’s casual fatphobia
• How to cope with internalised fatphobia
• A young person’s experience of internalised fatphobia
• Unlearning diet culture helped me to flourish**
• My experience of an eating disorder and internalised fatphobia**
• Understanding emotional eating and body image**

TW // This article references eating disorders. Bodywhys helpline: 01 2107906 or [email protected] 

Growing up, I considered fatphobia to be completely normal. I didn’t know what ‘fatphobia’ was or that it was a term but I remember feeling that I would be better and more loveable if I were to be smaller and take up less space.

Slimness equated health and happiness, while fatness was equal to being unhealthy and unworthy in my mind. I didn’t see fat people as unhealthy or unworthy, however, I viewed myself as being fat because my body had fat so therefore I must be hard to love and undeserving of nice things.

Fatphobic epidemic

This unfortunately was not uncommon. My primary school friends and I would often go on diets where we wouldn’t allow ourselves to eat sweets. Instead of playing in the yard at lunchtime, we would do laps of the yard to ‘get our steps up’. I feel like getting a pedometer through a school scheme also further negatively fed into this.

Looking back now it isn’t surprising that I ended up developing an eating disorder in my teen years. It wasn’t so much about being skinny but more so what I thought skinny would give me; happiness, confidence, being liked, not having worries. It quickly escalated and I became unwell, requiring hospitalisation. I was so scared to gain weight in fear of becoming fat. I discussed this fear with my healthcare team and they educated me about the internalised stigma and fatphobia I had.

Fat is not a feeling

It helped me to talk about it and learn that how I was thinking and feeling wasn’t true. I learned that I was, and always had been, worthy of love and nourishment and happiness. My team educated me on the importance of fat which really helped me too. They talked to me about how our bodies need fat to stay warm and protect our organs and fight infection.

They also discussed with me how fat isn’t actually a feeling. Fat is something we all have and need, but it isn’t a feeling, the same way we have toenails, but do not feel toenails. That really helped me to challenge my inner fatphobia, especially when I have days where I get that thought of feeling fat. I know that fat isn’t a feeling so what is it that I’m actually feeling? Is it guilt, self-consciousness, or that I’m not enough? And then how can I care for myself in a positive and helpful way – like recognising how much my body does for me rather than just how it looks physically?

Challenging fatphobic thoughts

On days where I maybe don’t feel as confident in myself, I remind myself of how much my body does for me; that I can walk and see and feel. I no longer view exercise as punishment or a way to shrink myself either. It’s how I can move my body in a way that feels good for me. Some days it’s going for a walk other days it’s dancing to my favourite songs in addition to also recognising that some days it’s also just as important to do absolutely nothing at all and that it’s okay to rest.

Internalised fatphobia is being critical of yourself for being, looking, or having fat. A lot of advice about coping with internalised fatphobia points out that being fat has nothing to do with being healthy and that both physical and mental wellness are possible at any and every size. 

I have been through an experience when a doctor ordered me to lose weight because it was affecting my health and my muscles. I had read, in so many places, that “fat” was not a synonym for “ugly,” for “undisciplined,” or “selfish,” or “uninteresting,” or “unhealthy,” or whatever else it is frequently compared to. At that moment, I felt like I was the exception to that idea.

Internalised fatphobia, or weight bias, can be defined as an abnormal fear of fatness, gaining weight caused in many cases by negative attitudes and stereotypes surrounding and attached to larger bodies.

In spite of this experience, I learnt that being fat was not something to be hated, and I learned how to cope with my internalised fatphobia.  

Here are the steps I took.

Step 1: Want to tackle internalised fatphobia

Since you are reading this article right now, congratulations! You’ve already completed one of the steps. Even if you hate your body right now, seeing this article means that you don’t want to. It means that you want to try to love yourself just as you are, and that is the most precious and important wish you will ever have. It’s proof that some part of you cares about your happiness and your wellbeing. It’s alright to fail a billion times, but never stop wanting to love yourself and your body. 

Step 2: Remember to be kind to yourself

Self-compassion is not easy, nor is it a one-time thing. It’s a long, rough process, but it’s also one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do for yourself. It’s one of the hardest things in the world to walk a new path when you have been wearing down the same road for ages. 

You won’t always be compassionate, but you must always try. Sometimes you can’t help it, but you can still try to let go and move forward. 

Step 3: Be the comfort you want for yourself 

Whenever you experience hatred or frustration toward your body, you may be overwhelmed by a barrage of negative thoughts. If this happens to me, I have a three-step process to dealing with it:

1. I imagine telling someone about these fatphobic thoughts.  
2. I ask myself: What do you wish they would do in response? The answer is usually something like, give me a hug, a shoulder to cry on, some advice, reassurance, etc. 
3. I do what I got as an answer for step two. Sometimes I need to ask for help, sometimes I can just do those things on my own. 

Sometimes, when we are in the process of trying to love ourselves, we can get frustrated by our own self-hatred, or aren’t able to find a suitable, logical defence against our fatphobia. The point of the above three steps is to catch bad thoughts and react with empathy and support. Instead of thinking of coping with internalised fatphobia as a battle against your worst self, think of it as an effort to comfort a part of you that is in pain and is lashing out using hatred and violence. 

Step 4: Be amazed by your body 

Your fat folds are pockets of energy and life, waiting to be set free. Your body is a wonderful thing, full of muscles and bones and magic that lets you live. Every time you do fail at a push-up, marvel at how hard your muscles are trying. Every time you struggle for breath after a run, be glad for the fact that your heart works so hard to keep your blood flowing. Saying you are fat, weak, or useless is like saying a seed is rubbish, simply because it hasn’t grown into a tree yet. You and your fat are capable of great struggle, great resilience, and great success.

Artwork by Action Panel Member Caitlin Grant @illukations.

Marykate is a Transition Year student and spoke to Amy O’Brien about her experience with internalising fatphobia.

Internalised fatphobia, or weight bias, can be defined as an abnormal fear of fatness, gaining weight, holding negative attitudes and stereotypes surrounding and attached to larger bodies.

“I remember the first time I became aware of my body was when I was about 3-4 when I started school. I remember I was quite chubby compared to the other children. I remember my hands in particular which I was most embarrassed about, it was my biggest insecurity, with my stomach being second. Thankfully it faded by the time I was 8, but at that point, it was replaced with other insecurities.”

Intergenerational fatphobia

“I personally do think I have internalised fatphobia. I come from a family of women who would be considered overweight. Growing up with every woman around me on a diet absolutely did not help. Though my mother would never comment on mine or my sister’s bodies, shaming her own body was enough.”

Marykate explained what she thinks would’ve helped her and some steps we can all take to be aware of fatphobia.

“Definitely, we need to change our language associated with food – stop saying what food is good or bad, stop encouraging children to skip meals or over-exercise, boycott diet companies and show diverse bodies.”

Finally, here is her message to the little version of herself the first time she felt body conscious:

“Trust me, no one cares, this may sound impossible, but we humans as much as we are selfless and caring, we are also far too narcissistic. Your body is completely different from everyone else’s in a beautiful way. Trust me you’re gorgeous throughout.”

Fatphobia’s racist roots

Marykate is right, we are all different, and the slim, white, just curvy enough marker for all beauty, and how we even measure weight, are actually rooted in oppression. Beauty standards are built into and off of our society and perpetuate sexism, racism, gender norms and ableism. 

When colonists went to countries such as Latin America, Africa and Asia; they declared that whiteness equalled superiority, alluding to better education and economic prospects. In doing so, they racialised the local people and attached negative connotations to races that prevail even now. Continuously, western culture triumphed over the purposefully exploited.  

Not only that, imperialist countries have stolen traditional hairstyles such as cornrows and eye makeup to redistribute them as separate from black communities and communities of colour for monetary gain. 

As explored in sociologist Sabrina Strings’ award-winning book, Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fat Phobia (2019), the ‘thick black female body’ became a thing of celebration in retaliation to colonists who used the voluptuousness of local women’s bodies as a reason to sexualise and exploit them in history.

So today, when we use Body Mass Index (BMI)  to measure weight, it should only be ever used as a starting point due to socio-cultural factors but also because it is a tool derived from studies with white participants and so may not be appropriate for other ethnic groups. 

We need self-acceptance and body neutrality while inclusively advocating for others who face weight-based stigma to be listened to and supported because we are all more than our bodies.

Artwork by Action Panel Member Bláithín Breathnach @blaithinbdesign.

Fatphobic comments can be a part of everyday life, but they are most jarring when coming from the mouths of those you love, your family. Whether the remarks are directed at you or not, it is still incredibly discouraging to hear. It seems to me that Grannies always have some comment to make on everyone’s body and how they are eating.

What is a fatphobic comment anyway? 

To put it simply, fatphobia is the fear or disgust of, and discrimination against, people perceived to be fat or those in larger bodies. It can also simply be the disgust towards any increase in body size or weight whatsoever. Often in society different sized bodies may not fit the mould that people view as the ‘beauty standard’. This fear and discrimination manifest themselves in the form of hateful comments or actions towards those that live in larger bodies. Oftentimes these comments may not be intentional or intended to cause offence, but usually, they do.

Fatphobia and Families

In society, we are slowly beginning to call out fatphobic behaviours when they occur in things like fashion and the media (even though there’s still a long way to go). But we often normalise, overlook, and sometimes accept these fatphobic comments when they come from the mouths of our family members.

My family used to be notorious for the fatphobic comments in every part of the day and sometimes the comments weren’t even directed at me. “That top isn’t suited to her body”, “fat people are just lazy” and those are just off the top of my head. One that was uttered in my house almost daily was “this family should go on a diet.”

Words like these and others can be tiring and seriously affect mental health. It took me a while to even notice these comments were wrong and were making me look at my body in a very negative way. Once I learned about fatphobia I knew the only way to try and negate it from one part of my life was to talk to my family about it. I admit this can be daunting and may not be the right route to go for some people.

How and what do I tell my family about Fatphobia?

I first explained fatphobia which got some confused looks from my parents. I gave some examples, using comments they have said before or just general instances of fatphobia in our society like airplane seats or clothing sizes. Once they understood I think they gradually began to fix things they say and how they comment on things.

As we move out of lockdown and into the winter holiday season, we often have large family dinners with extended family members, many of whom we only ever see once or twice a year. This time can often be an epicentre for fatphobia amongst families. Sometimes you must pick your battles, but if you are able, it can be a great place to educate some family of fatphobia very casually.

Fatphobia and fatphobic comments are difficult to hear but especially from family members. It may be difficult for them to understand at first and we simply can’t expect people to be aware of topics they may not be educated on. That is when communication and education should come into play.

Artwork by Tara Fitzgibbon @tara.fitzgibbon

TW // This article references eating disorders. Bodywhys helpline: 01 2107906 or [email protected]

When I was young, my size and how I looked didn’t really matter to me because when I felt proud of myself or happy, it was because of the person I was or something I did.

I went to an all-girls primary and secondary school so I presumed that the schools would be similar to each other. Of course, there would be changes like using lockers, having more than one teacher, eating lunch in a canteen etc. But there was one big change I hadn’t expected. I started to slowly realise that it was considered ‘normal’ to always want to be skinnier.

Bear in mind, I don’t think I ever actually wanted to change my body, but at my school it was normal to diet, for people not to eat lunch, to sneakily throw away dinners, and to criticise their own bodies. Unconsciously, I got swept into that culture.

Toxic validation

Of course, some girls around me had great relationships with their bodies, and whether or not that was the case, many people did not restrict or over-exercise. But by the end of first year and into second year, my routine had become to eat a piece of fruit at most for breakfast, no lunch and as little dinner as I could. That was at my worst.

I felt a consistent hunger but my body got used to it so it was never unbearable. Mam was always watching me, which I’m so grateful for now, but other people used to describe me as having ‘good willpower’ and praised my ‘control’. I knew they were wrong, but at the time it was like validation. I hadn’t had a period, I was much colder than I ever am now, I couldn’t sleep on my hips because they were so sore, and when Mam took me to the doctor to check all these different problems, the doctor looked at me and said, ‘well, she’s eating plenty anyway.’

In reality, I was the thinnest I’d ever been, and that may have felt victorious for some people, but my body was no longer home, it wasn’t even mine. I found buying clothes to fit me quite difficult. Now, pieces of clothes that make me feel confident are an incredible thing, such as knowing the jeans that suit my shape, and tailoring clothes because that dress you will buy in the shop is for a generic body, and we are all unique in some way. Going out for food at restaurants, I would try my best not to eat at home for the whole day.

Lockdown reignited my love for food

Then lockdown came, my routine of not eating and distraction was lost. All my family were working at home so our mealtimes and our breaks were all together. I wanted to eat breakfast, lunch and dinner with them, but for a long time I wasn’t actually hungry, so I sat in their company trying to eat. I had always loved baking and cooking. Now I had time to make food every day and I tried new recipes that made my whole family light up. But where I had more time for food experiences, I also found more time to exercise.

I started running, walking, exercising and just moving my body with all the wrong motives; of being obsessed with it, feeling guilty if I did less for a day and not appreciating what my body could do for me. With time, I was able to run, listen to music, walk for a bit and think, come home, shower, have to look in the mirror and be grateful for my ability to move, but also to rest. Now, most of the time, exercise actually helps me to appreciate what my body does for me.

Finding space for my mental health

At the start of lockdown, I also downloaded Instagram and from the offset, followed mainly food and body positivity accounts which really helped me along with listening to feminist podcasts. Around the same time, Cork County Comhairle na nOg (the youth county council in Cork)  meetings were beginning which was my first real interaction with youth work and our topic that year was mental health.

I didn’t comprehend it at the time but having a space to honestly learn about and talk about mental health every Saturday was huge for me. There were so many amazing people my age as well and I gained new friends,  something that most people were completely deprived of throughout online school.

Positive weight gain

It was a very slow journey of progress. Getting better physically meant weight gain, also my curves and shape developed, my period became regular, the soreness left and the extent to which I felt cold improved dramatically. But also mentally, I’m able to catch my thoughts that are disordered, I have a good relationship with food and exercise and I’m generally confident in my body. It’s now September 2021 and my appetite is only really normal now. Nothing was ever wrong with me or my body, my mind was struggling so any physical progress was a result of my mental journey to improve.

You deserve to love your body

I think especially as girls, women or non-binary people in this world, the messaging about how to look and that your value is attached to your appearance is constant so for me, learning about diet culture, colonial beauty standards, feminism and the root of these issues that are wider and deeper than I, urged me to rebel against them.

When I was thinking about food and exercise most of the time, I couldn’t flourish, but most importantly, I couldn’t be me. Learning to accept my body, love myself and be soft was difficult and long, but an eating disorder is so much worse. Here’s a reminder: you are a complex and unique human who deserves to be your full you.

TW // This article references eating disorders. Bodywhys helpline: 01 2107906 or [email protected] 

I have struggled with emotional eating and my body image. I would eat a lot of food to tame my emotions, but then what would always follow was a pattern of self-imposed starvation, self-hatred, and self-punishment for failing to reach the ‘ideal image’ of my body I had in my mind.

The anxiety of one fueled the other in an endlessly terrible cycle, a struggle which I often fought silently and in isolation. Almost everyone is familiar with comfort eating – it is often visible, joked about, and occurs within a certain timeframe. Serious emotional eating, however, is not greatly understood.

What exactly is emotional eating? 

At its core, emotional eating is the “tendency to eat in response to positive or negative emotions.” The act of emotional eating is often paired with negative associations, but it can also occur with positive emotional changes. This would not be referring to the act of physically eating at events or activities that are seen as positive, like of celebrations, birthdays, or traditional holidays, festivities, or rituals.

Rather, it means that both negative or positive changes in a person’s well-being or emotions can trigger the desire to eat as a form of comfort when negative or positive feelings may be overwhelming. Whether it is moving to a new school, starting a new job, beginning a new relationship, having an argument, getting exam results, anticipating events, and so on.

It is this form of emotional eating which is often isolated in nature, and far more invisible, and often greatly misunderstood. Whilst it is safe to say that perhaps most people occasionally emotionally eat, it is important to understand how this particular coping mechanism can be made worse by the addition of anxiety, depression, and a  multitude of eating disorders, including BED (Binge-eating-disorder) and Bulimia.

The process of emotional eating has nothing to do with hunger itself, or an excessive desire to eat. A person’s outward appearance, especially for someone who is in a larger body, is often chalked down to some failure of that individual on part of faulty willpower or a faulty character.

This incorrect and overly simplistic correlation between being in a larger body and the consumption of food can be enormously damaging. The implications for misunderstanding it has consequences for not only those who emotionally eat, or for those who seek out other methods of coping.

Nobody is overeating for overeating’s sake, or out of some moral failure, just as someone who self-harms is not seeking pain, but is rather seeking an escape or a way to cope.

A search for inner peace is central to coping, and only when it can be understood in this light, can we effectively communicate with our friends, families, partners, and colleagues about why we cope the way we do, and how it affects our health.

Emotional eating cycle 

One summer, not long after having started secondary school, I vividly remember declining an invitation to go to the beach with a childhood best friend; the fear of having to lift my shirt to swim, or to even be anywhere near where there may be an expectation to do so, was overwhelming.

The form and shape of your body are some of the most visible and immediately noticeable traits of a person. To be constantly aware and hyper-alert over how my body is perceived in the world is exhausting – I am constantly adjusting my clothing, conscious of my movements, and worrying about how I look to others.

The feelings of thinking that I am “clunky” and “disgusting” are so overwhelming to the point that it becomes second nature to decline things that I may perceive to make my “overweightness” be a burden to anyone.

This does not even begin to express how difficult it is when someone deliberately mocks how I look; I often recall a time in secondary school when someone would attempt to make me do a certain facial gesture as a prank in order to try and have fat on my body be emphasised.

This shows how embedded the powerful and difficult feelings surrounding body image are; it is an awareness that is attached to you at every living moment. In this way, eating as a way to cope creates an endless cycle.

Being in a larger body is a very visible thing, and it is certainly no surprise that individuals who are in larger bodies can sometimes have a difficult relationship with body image, especially in a world where we have an impossible ‘ideal’ to compare ourselves to  – or be compared to by others.