What I learned after being sexually assaulted

TW // This piece discusses sexual violence. It will be impactful for all readers and in particular those who have experienced sexual violence. This may not be the right time for you to read this and it may be advisable to come back to it another time. Please look after yourself if you choose to read on. Our text support service details are listed below. For further support, contact the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre National Sexual Violence Helpline on 1800 778888.

This article is based purely around my own experiences of being assaulted and how I felt in the aftermath, it does not describe the impact anyone else may feel if it happens to them. However, I will say that after the assault occurred, I didn’t understand why I was feeling different and it took talking to another person who had experienced similar assault and had similar reactions as me to feel better about how I had changed and what I was experiencing.

People will believe you

I think social media and societal views impressed upon me that without proof, no one would believe me, especially people who are close to the perpetrator. I started telling those close to me, expecting them to either question me or worse; blame me for flirting with him a bit and wearing certain clothes. Instead, they believed me without question.

They gave me support and people to talk to, and those that knew him, cut him out of their lives. Nobody asked if I was lying, if I was exaggerating for attention or if I was making a big deal out of nothing (which was something I feared). I didn’t expect people to understand, which is why it took so long for me to even begin talking about it with my closest friends and get the help I needed.

Even if I didn’t say ‘No’, it was still assault

I only told one of my closest friends where I was going. Because I hadn’t told anyone else, it felt like I couldn’t leave, even if I felt uncomfortable. I also didn’t want to offend him by leaving. After all, I had flirted with him over a message, so clearly, I wanted this… right? Even if I had flirted with him, I remember telling him earlier that day that I didn’t want to do anything. In the end, he never asked to kiss me, or otherwise.

He was my friend. He would never hurt me. Making up excuses to get him off of me, avoiding his touch in the room where we watched a film that night, and not accepting anything from him because it felt like if I said yes to that, I was saying yes to much more. Feeling him against me and trying not to cry. But I never said no, so was it my fault that this happened? It took me a while for me to stop blaming myself. I still blame myself sometimes, even though I know better.

I didn’t realise I was assaulted until a few days later

At the time, I remember freezing up, waiting for it to end. But he was just being playful. In the moment, I forgot that an absence of a ‘hell yes’ to sexual consent is a ‘hell no’. Or that body language is a thing. Or that dissociating is not a sign of a good time. Or that you should have never been put in this vulnerable position by someone you trusted so much.

When I couldn’t hug a friend without needing a few minutes to calm down, because a hug felt so much like his, I started to question what had happened. In my mind, I replayed the day’s events leading up to the night, willing them to change, as if I could reverse time so that nothing had happened.

I met someone who had experienced the same thing a little while later and suddenly it came into focus what had happened. It made it worse too because accepting that something like this has happened to you can be life-changing and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to accept it before you are ready; I learned that too.

Just because you have been through similar trauma in the past, it does not mean you will react in the same way

When I stopped being able to sleep properly, being able to study and concentrate, and being able to be alone, I was confused. I had experienced similar events in the past and yet suddenly I was unable to function in the same way, like a robot unplugged. I used to be able to multitask and manage my life around my volunteer work, social life and schoolwork but it dawned on me that I couldn’t work in the same capacity I had previously. This scared me.

I was crying almost every day, and as a student starting university in Dublin, being on public transport caused me to have panic attacks daily, with people pressed against me on all sides. I started coming late to things and ignoring responsibilities in favour of having fun and having distractions, which is completely different to the person I was before. I went out every night and became involved in as many university clubs as possible. One of my friends called me out on this. I avoided being alone and avoided processing how I was feeling, but I didn’t want to stop even as I fell behind in my course.

This course was my first choice, which I had set my sights on over three years ago–and yet I couldn’t care less if I failed or passed. My previous life plans just seemed so boring and useless. I felt both numb and overemotional, crying at random points while other times underreacting to situations. I thought I was just tired and stressed but soon the personality shifts were hard to ignore. I was a whole new person. This hadn’t happened to me in the past, so it was a surprise when the effects of the assault were so visible to me and the friends around me.

Speaking out is very difficult

I never realised why people didn’t report before this. I wonder how anyone ever has. Reporting a friend for something you have no proof of or reporting someone who knows every minute detail of your life and who meant so much to you before is scary and frankly just sad.  ‘The burden of proof was not met by evidence.’ That’s what a friend got from the police when they reported their assaulter. This would be the reality for me as well. I hate it. I hate feeling so powerless as he continues to live his life in harmony, and yet I am trapped in my spiralling thoughts of what-ifs and consequences. I want to report him but I worry about the impact it would have on his life.

You can feel so guilty for not speaking out as well

I am worried I will lose friends if I speak out, I will be known forever as the person who reported this person and try as I might, I may never escape the gossip train. That scares me more than I’d like to admit. But many will not believe me, it will start a big thing, and it is causing me enough stress and pain as it is.

This guilt I feel still stays with me, though it has lessened after talking to a counsellor that put it into perspective. I was blaming myself for the possibility of others being hurt in the same way if I did not come forward, however I would never blame the people who were targeted by him before me for not coming forward either.

Being affected by it can continue for months, even if you can’t remember all of it

Almost a year later, I still have moments where people talking about sexual assault will cause me to shut down and have a panic attack. Other times, I’m able to make dark jokes about it and make light of the situation. Recovery was not linear to me or on a set timeline, which was disappointing to me as all I wanted was it to be easy to move on from and get on with my life.

I still struggle to sleep through the night, and while I can go on public transport without panicking too much anymore if I’m in a place where there are too many people crushed into me I can’t handle it. I had to be kind to myself and take a step back in several areas of my life and focus on what was most important, even if that meant losing out on opportunities I wanted.

I remember snatches of the events of the day, I remember the fear, but if someone asked me to give a detailed recount of everything I wouldn’t be able to. I just know how frozen I felt and how I focused on a spot on his wall. How I went to the bathroom after and rubbed my hands raw because of the sweat that had formed on them.

It makes me feel like I’m exaggerating- if I can’t remember exactly what happened, then how can I say it was assault and even worse- how can I report him if I can’t defend myself by telling his actions? I have to remind myself that crimes can still be reported even when you’re not able to remember some elements of the crime.

Sometimes memories come back to me, prompted by someone or something, which always makes it worse- I’m usually enjoying a moment when it floods back to me. But I learned that there is no shame in taking a breath to myself and reminding myself that I’m not in that room anymore.

But you will recover

It may not feel like you will be able to recover but slowly it improves. For me, it has almost been a year and I have seen signs of recovery; the inability to function I mentioned before has lessened and I have been able to balance my life almost to the level that I did before.

I am back on track with my course, even though studying is still harder than before, it is better. I am better. I needed the help of my university counsellor to do so but life has gone back to being exciting and I want to succeed like I used to. My personality has shifted a bit, and my ability to trust others has been affected, but overall I am on the way to being fully myself again. Six months ago I would not have thought it possible.

The Dublin Rape Crisis Centre National Sexual Violence Helpline is available for free 24 hours a day for anyone that needs it, on 1800 77 8888. If you’re looking for more stories from survivors visit wespeak.ie

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