People watch porn for different reasons, and not everybody chooses to watch porn. Although some people may feel that watching porn is harmless, watching porn can negatively impact your sexual experiences, desires, mental health and relationships with others. There are huge differences between porn and real life sex. Women and girls are regularly abused, and experience violence in porn, and this is shown to cause increased abuse of women in real life.

The reality is that real life sex is rarely like how it is portrayed in porn or movies. Sex can include any sexual act such as the touching or rubbing of genitals, oral, anal or vaginal sex. It can happen between people of all genders, sexuality, body sizes and abilities. Sometimes, sex can feel awkward at times and make people laugh. Remember, sex doesn’t have to be a performance; it just has to be something you and those you are having it with enjoy.

If you have watched porn there may be a chance that you have expectations of sex that are not realistic. You may also have concerns about your own sex life. If you feel like your sex life just does not live up to the sex you see online, you’re not alone. It’s impossible to live up to an ideal that doesn’t even exist.

Remember, communication is essential when discovering what type of sex you and your partner(s) enjoy. There are huge differences between pleasurable, consenting sex and porn. What is important is that you have the type of sex you enjoy, and don’t feel pressure to behave a certain way or do certain sexual acts just because you have seen it in porn.

11 differences between porn and real-life sex

1. Practising consent

Consent is rarely spoken about or even mentioned in porn, but it is so important. In porn, people always seem to be up for sex. Porn also often portrays women and LGBTI+ people as willing to do and try anything, including violent and demeaning sex (sex meant to humiliate). But sex should be safe and respectful. It is essential that when having sex or doing any sexual act that everyone involved consents, and do not feel pressured into having sex. You should never try to do something sexual with your partner without asking their permission first. If you want to have sex and your partner does not seem fully up for it you need to respectfully understand their decision and not pressure them to change their mind.

2. Communication is essential

Clear communication is essential during sex and often this is not seen in porn. In porn, people will often do things without permission and regardless of whether the other person enjoys it, but this should never happen in real life.Discovering what you and your partners enjoy together takes time and exploration, and talking is essential. If you try something and you don’t like it, you can stop at any time. You should also always ask your partner if they are enjoying what is happening and ask before trying something new. Remember, you never have to pretend you like something during sex to make your partner happy.

Taking time to talk about these things outside of the bedroom allows you to talk about your needs in a neutral space without any expectations. Finding the time to have these conversations can help with setting boundaries. However, communication doesn’t stop once you’re back in the bedroom. Consent is about making sure your partner is comfortable at all times, by asking or reading their body language. Everyone has the right to change their mind at any time, so it’s important to keep checking in with your partner.

3. Setting boundaries

Boundaries are essential when having sex. Setting a boundary means deciding what you are, and are not comfortable with and communicating this to those you have sex with. It also means allowing them to set their own boundaries, and respecting whatever decision they have made.

In porn, there is often no or little discussion between those having sex about what they want or what they enjoy. The sex can be violent and only for the sexual pleasure of one person, often the man. Remember, you never need to do something sexual you are not comfortable with. You can always say no and do not have to feel guilty about it. If someone continues to do something after you’ve told them you don’t want to, or if you’re being forced into something and you’re too scared to say anything, this is sexual assault.

4. Erections, body hair and body types

Porn often makes it look like a person can get a hard-on easily and that it can last for a long time, but this is not always the case. If you or a partner are having problems getting an erection or experiencing premature ejaculation, it is common and absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. If it continues to be a problem, it may be worth visiting your doctor or speaking to a sexual health professional about it.

Another difference between porn and real life sex, is that a porn star will often have a very big penis. If you’re feeling self-conscious about your genitals, remember that everyone’s genitals are different and size does not matter.

People in porn often look very similar, will have slim bodies and often be white. In real life, people come in all shapes and sizes, with different skin colours and abilities. Your body is unique to you and deserves to be loved and appreciated the way it is. Everyone deserves to have sexual pleasure in their life if that is what they want, and a body does not have to look a certain way to be desirable.

In porn, many of the people in the videos are often waxed or shaved, with no trace of body hair. Because of this, a lot of people might expect others to be completely hair-free, or feel pressured to remove their body hair. However in real life, people have body hair, and it is up to each person to decide if they want to remove their hair or not. You should never pressure someone to change their body hair or look a certain way for you.

5. Violence against women

Violence against women and LGBTQ+ people is frequently shown in porn. In porn, it is common to see women being slapped, spit on, have their hair pulled, be ejaculated (cum) on, or be choked and gagged. Often in porn when women are being physically hurt, they act like they are enjoying it and this can lead to false beliefs that everyone enjoys being treated this way.

Sex should be pleasurable, and if you are thinking of trying something during sex with a partner, talk to them about it first and ask their permission. It is also important to question if you really want to do something, or if you are only doing it because it is something you have seen previously in porn.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Remember, you never need to do something sexual you are not comfortable with. You can always say no and do not have to feel guilty about it. If someone continues to do something after you’ve told them you don’t want to, or if you’re being forced into something and you’re too scared to say anything, this is sexual assault.
If you force someone to do something without their consent or continue to do something when consent is withdrawn this is a crime.

6. Anal sex

In some porn, anal sex can be common. However, in real life, not everyone is having anal sex. The position you choose to have sex in is completely down to what feels right to you and your partner. It should always be a position you are both comfortable with. No one should ever feel pressured to have a type of sex that they don’t want to. Remember, just because someone consents to have sex does not mean they consent to all types of sex. Similarly, if someone agrees to something once, it does not mean they will want it again. Always check in with your partner before trying a new position or style to make sure it is something they are comfortable with and definitely want to do.

7. Choking and strangulation

In porn, it is common to see violence against women and LGBTQ+ people during sex, particularly choking which is also called strangulation. Strangulation is incredibly dangerous as it restricts someone being able to breathe in oxygen, and blood flow to the brain. Choking or strangulation, even without the intention of hurting someone, can cause serious harm both physically and mentally. It can cause brain damage and also potentially cause death. The physical effects of being choked or strangled, remove a person’s ability to withdraw consent and if someone becomes unconscious they cannot consent. You should never feel pressured to allow someone to choke or strangle you nor pressure people into it. Since 2023, non-fatal strangulation or non-fatal suffocation is an offence in Ireland with a maximum sentence of ten years.

8. Foreplay

Foreplay, such as rubbing, kissing and oral sex, can often be missing from porn but it can be a very important element of sex. People may not be able to orgasm, or cum, or experience pleasure during penetrative sex without engaging in foreplay. Oral sex and sex using hands and fingers is also sex, and does not have to lead to penetration. Often people enjoy having these types of sex without wanting anything else afterwards.

9. Making noise and dirty talk

A lot of the noise you hear in porn is acting. However, not everyone will be loud when they’re having sex, even if they are enjoying it. If your partner is not making as much noise as you would find in porn, this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not enjoying themselves. You should also not feel you have to make certain noises or act a certain way during sex. How you respond to your partner should come naturally to you.

Some people like talking dirty, some don’t. It comes down to personal preference. If you want to try dirty talk, make sure to set some boundaries with what your partner is comfortable with first. If you heard something in porn, check that your partner wants you to use certain terms before you engage in dirty talk.

10. Using protection

Often in porn, people have sex without using a condom or dental dams. However, this does not mean that everyone will have sex without using protection. Using a condom and/or other forms of protection every time you have sex is the only way to protect you and those you have sex with against STIs, HIV and pregnancy. No one should ever feel under pressure not to use protection during sex, and no one should ever take off a condom during sex without their partner’s permission first. If someone takes the condom off during sex without their partner’s permission, this is sexual assault.

11. Gender & Sexuality

People of all genders watch and are shown in porn. However, a lot of porn is made for men and by men, which affects the way a lot of porn is made. Women and LGBTQ+ people are often shown in porn as submissive or are disrespected, treated roughly or abusively. Other times the porn will only focus on a man’s pleasure. In real life, sex should be pleasurable and comfortable for all involved.

A lot of porn makes it seem like only straight and cisgender people are having sex, but this is not the case. In real life, people with all sorts of gender expressions and sexual orientations have sex. And, likewise, if you are straight and cisgender, do not feel pressured to have sex as those people do in porn.

See Change, the National Stigma Reduction Partnership and its 80 partner organisations will be distributing green ribbons nationally throughout May to get people talking openly about mental health problems.

Last year some young people who worked with SpunOut.ie decided to make some videos about having a conversation about mental health. For many of the young people it was their first time writing scripts, directing and acting and you can see the outcome of their work below:

Passing the Test

Created and produced by young volunteers for SpunOut.ie as part of Green Ribbon Campaign.

Changing minds about mental health.

Camera & Editing: Shauna Farrell
Actors: Jennifer Akandu, Ross Kilbride and Sarah Bermingham
Script and pre production: Sarah Bermingham, Emer Mulcahy and Sorcha Cusack

Let's Talk

Director: Klayer Corrigan
Camera: Conor Fleming
Sound & Editing: Lisa Burke
Pre Production and Script: Clara Barry & Joanna Siewierska

A special thanks to students from St. Mary's Holyfaith Secondary School Killester.

Why talk about mental health?

Research conducted by See Change, revealed that in Ireland in 2012:

Often the fact that it's difficult to talk about mental health problems can be one of the hardest parts of having a mental illness. It can lead to the loss of friendships, feeling isolated and slower recovery. If you would like to talk to someone, check out our help section for more information on services that can help you.

Check out our Downloads section for tips on starting the conversation on mental health, from See Change.

This year there has never been more outdoor concerts and festivals happening around the country. Whether you’re camping or a day-goer, there are some very important things you need to consider.

Top ten summer festival tips

1. Toiletries and suncream

There will be lots of mess and a lack of clean facilities so there is no excuse for not being prepared. Make sure to bring baby wipes, toilet paper, dry shampoo and anything else you will need to keep yourself fresh over the weekend. Festivals aren’t always the cleanest of places. Anti-bacterial hand gel is a great way to keep clean after a portaloo or before eating food from a food van.

Even though the chances are high that it will rain the entire weekend, in the off chance that it doesn’t you need to be prepared with a high factor suncream. Applying it before you head to the stages in the morning will mean that if that sun does come out you will be protected and won’t have to worry about serious sun damage. Remember to apply it to places like your neck, ears and hairline as these are places that are easy to forget but meet the sun first.

2. Condoms

Everyone going to a festival should be prepared and bring condoms. When drunk finding a condom may not be easy so it is better to come prepared. Always practice safer sex and use a condom during sex. Remember that you can also catch STIs from oral sex.

3. Dress appropriately

Bring clothes for all weather, wearing light layers means you can stay warm in the wind and rain and then peel off when the sun comes out. Bringing shoes that are waterproof and comfortable will ensure that you can make the most out of your festival weekend. A raincoat or poncho is also a great investment.

4. Black bags

Might seem strange but if things end up being a washout, black bags will be handy for keeping your wellies/wet clothes separate from the rest of your tent’s contents over the weekend.

5. Bring food and snacks

Food at festivals is expensive. Bring plenty of snacks like cereal bars with you to help keep the hunger at bay. It will save you a fortune and save you from wasting a lot of time in long queues.

6. Camping

If you’re camping, it’s a good idea to get there early to get a good spot to pitch up your tent. Try to avoid camping near the toilets as after a day of thousands of users, they’ll start to stink. Also, before you leave home, check that you have all the bits and pieces you need for putting up your tent. You don’t want to arrive and realise you left the bag of pegs on the kitchen table.

Remember to bring a torch as it will be helpful for navigating your way around the campsite late at night. Even if you have once on your phone your battery might die early in the weekend so having a backup is always helpful

7. Leave the valuables at home

Although you may want to bring a speaker or camera it is probably best to leave them at home. It will not be safe to leave anything in your tent or even carry them with you into the festival. Some festivals may have locker facilities but even then, what is the point of bringing something you will then just have to lock away.

8. Choose a meeting point

In the not-so-unlikely event that you get separated from your friends, have somewhere picked before hand to meet. Preferably somewhere identifiable such as the first-aid tent or a specific bar or stage.

9. Fully charged phone and power bank

Make sure you have a full battery on your phone for the day in case of emergencies and if you’re there for the weekend, find out where there are phone-charging facilities around the camp. Make sure you have all your friends’ contact details written down somewhere in case you lose your phone or your battery dies. Get your hands on a power bank and have that fully charged too. They’re a cheap way of keeping your phone charged for longer.

10. Pace yourself

Alcohol will more than likely be consumed so pace yourself. It’s going to be a long day/weekend so take breaks and drink plenty of water in between alcohol, as it will keep you hydrated and prevent a hangover. Remember, there’s no point spending a fortune on the festival experience if you can’t remember any of it the next day. Besides, drinking too much will mean you’ll spend too much time queuing for the toilets and missing out on the music. Generally, drunkenness can mean missing the music as you may make yourself, get lost or not be able to remember it the next day.

Safety and help

Alcohol and drugs

Never leave your drink unattended, or accept a drink from someone you don’t know, as it could be spiked. Do not mix drugs or drugs and alcohol as you do not know how they will interact with each other. If you have taken drugs and feel ill, make your way to the first aid area, and tell them what you’ve taken so they know how to treat you. Check out our information on alcohol and drugs.

If you fear for your safety or a friend’s, don’t be afraid to talk to the stewards and security on site or members of St John’s Ambulance service.

I’ve been assaulted

If you have been a victim of rape or an assault it is very important that you report it immediately. It is also important that you get checked by a medical professional, so make sure you visit the first-aid area and let someone know what has happened.

I’m feeling really down

The combination of too much rain or sun, or alcohol and drugs, can be enough to make anyone feel miserable. If you do need to talk to someone, remember that there is always help out there. Make your way to the first-aid area, or talk to a steward and let them know how you are feeling.

This weekend, the Constitutional Convention will meet and discuss our electoral system and will consider recommendations for its alteration.

The electoral system is essentially the rules of the political game determining how the choices of voters are translated into the selection of our representatives to Dáil Éireann. In Ireland we use a rather unique system, shared only with Malta, known as Proportional Representation by Single Transferable Vote (PRSTV). Irish voters vote for candidates in order of preference in multi-seat geographical constituencies. Such a system has a number of effects on how politics works in Ireland.

Our electoral system is fundamentally proportional. This means that political parties’ seats in Dáil Éireann are allocated based on the proportion of votes received in the General Election. The threshold for entry into Dáil Éireann is low enough to allow a reasonable variety of political parties to win seats and therefore ensures a wide range of voices are heard in the Dáil chamber. Therefore, it encourages the development of a multi-party system where Irish voters can choose from a reasonable variety of different political platforms in elections.

In stark contrast are states, like the United Kingdom, with “winner takes all” systems facilitated by single seat constituencies. Here a candidate can only win a seat if they are the single most popular candidate in their constituency. It is difficult for more than two big parties to meaningfully compete in such a system. Smaller parties are largely squeezed out while the big two (Conservative and Labour parties) are heavily over represented. The result is a party system dominated by two parties with restrictive choice for the British electorate.

However, our system is not the most proportional. The Israeli parliament, the Knesset, is elected by a “list” system. The whole country is the one, single constituency where voters vote not for candidates but for political parties. Any party that receives 2% or more of the national vote is given seats in the Israeli Knesset in proportion to the votes they received overall. This system has encouraged the development of a varied multi party system in Israel with thirteen political parties holding seats in the current Knesset (there are currently four parties represented in Dáil Éireann as well as the United Left Alliance, a coalition of a number of left wing parties).

The major defence of single seat constituencies and non-proportional systems is that they lead to stable government. The current Conservative/Liberal Democrat coalition in Britain is the first coalition in that country since the 1940-5 War Cabinet led by Winston Churchill when the Conservatives actually had a majority on their own but formed a national government to avoid a 1940 election in the middle of the war.

Proportional systems, on the other hand, make single party government quite difficult to form. In Israel, the current government has five different political parties represented at cabinet. Coalitions are often considered less stable than single party governments. However, they also tend to be more representative of the overall population, by virtue of including a more diverse range of political opinion. In Ireland coalitions are the norm but single party governments have been formed in the past under Fianna Fáil.

The unique element of the Irish system is its method of ensuring proportionality. After the votes are first counted the candidate with the least votes is eliminated and their votes apportioned out to the remaining candidates based on the “No.2” choices on their ballots. This process is continued, taking into account third, fourth preferences et cetera if needs be,  until the number of candidates remaining equals the number of seats available (such a number of candidates have reached the ‘quota’: the number of votes required to ensure election regardless of the elimination of further candidates).

Single transferable vote, voting sheet.

This process means that it is quite difficult for any candidate to get elected based solely on votes supporting one party. In the 2011 General Election, Fianna Fáil struggled to get transfers from outside the party and ended up with fewer seats than their proportion of first preference votes would suggest. The result of this process is that adversarial politics is not as prominent as elsewhere and also extreme parties have never been able to gain a foothold in Irish politics.

It is also easier to gauge voter preferences as to coalition forming; the high transfer rate between Fine Gael and Labour candidates in 2011 was a strong indicator that a coalition between the two parties was the preferred choice of government for most Irish voters. As our constituencies are defined by geographical boundaries, it is ensured that regional interests are given a voice in political discussion in Ireland. It ensures that no one regional voice dominates, be it the interests of major cities or of rural populations.

However, some argue that it also leads to ‘parish pump’ politics, whereby TDs neglect their roles as national legislators and are concerned almost purely with ensuring that money flows into their local areas. Others argue that such an attitude by TDs is promoted more by our lack of strong local government.

Finally, in Ireland we vote for candidates rather than parties as would be the case in a list based system. The combination of broad proportionality and voting for individuals rather than parties facilitates the election of non-party TDs or independents. While independent parliamentarians are observed in many states, Ireland stands out due to our election of such a large number of them. In single seat constituencies, or list based systems, it is extremely difficult to get elected without party backing. The ability to vote for an individual rather than a party means giving Irish voters a choice within the major political parties.

Fine Gael, Fianna Fáil and Labour run more than one candidate in most constituencies giving voters an extra degree of choice not really apparent in list based systems. The identities of the candidates who take up a party’s seats in a list based system are largely decided by central party apparatuses rather than voters. 

There are a broad range of options that the Constitutional Convention will likely consider. What is important to note is that every choice made in the formation of our electoral system will have significant effect in determining the nature of politics in Ireland.

When growing up we usually dislike being told what to do. It’s almost instinctive. If it’s not our parents, it’s our teachers. If it’s not our teachers it’s that ever present ‘society’ that tells us we aren’t old enough to make decisions for ourselves so we’re to follow their rules until we’re old enough to ‘know better.’

Driving political decisions 

Well I would argue that we do know better. Young people in Ireland are very capable, educated and opinionated individuals. We need to show that we understand that there are decisions to be made on our futures. We need to show that we are the people who need to be driving these decisions. 

I’d like to think that ministers, politicians, teachers and the community want to help create a bright future for our generation, but their experience of being a young person is far out-dated. Our problems and our concerns may not even dawn on the “powers that be” unless we point them out. To do that, I think we must take action and not just advise the decision-makers, but become them.

Now I know that speaking out in a forum of adults is easier said than done. It’s true too that not everyone needs to be in the spotlight. That said, we must realise that everyone’s opinion, no matter how insignificant we feel our ideas might be, are worth hearing. There is no need to worry that your voice will fall on deaf ears. 

Our voice is worth hearing

It is the sheer determination of to prove that we’re worth listening to that will drive us to succeed in whatever campaign or committee we’re part of. If any person believes that our voice isn’t worth hearing, then fine. We can prove them wrong.  What’s worse than their ignorance is if we let ourselves believe that our voices aren’t worth hearing.

As I was writing this article, I thought I’d do a little background research and ask people why they felt that youth inclusion and being involved in decision making in society was important. Many said that they resented having to follow legislators who didn’t consult them and that this is why there is so much work being done in Ireland at the minute around lowering the voting at 16. I also heard how inclusion generates a sense of activism among young people and that this is needed not just on a local but on a national level.

Benefit for Ireland as a whole 

Ultimately, having youth representatives in societal decision making gives us a real presence in Ireland. It fosters a sense of “we are here and we have voices.” It is a statement that we wish to not only be consulted, but to participate – a benefit not only for the youth of Ireland but for the nation as a whole.

X-HALE 2013 is a short film competition for young people and youth groups around Ireland. The competition was run by the Irish Cancer Society who asked youth groups and organisations to make a short film about issues around smoking, that affect young people in their communities. They hope that these short films will help prevent young people from starting to smoke.

The competition received 38 great entries and now they need you to be part of the competition by viewing and sharing your favourite film – every view on YouTube counts as a vote! The film with the most views at the end of the competition on June 12th will win Most Popular Online Film award at the X-HALE Film Fest 2013 on July 4th. So get VOTING!

X-HALE Film Competition 2013 Entries:

 

The categories for the 2013 short films included:

The X-HALE Youth Awards are part of the Irish Cancer Society’s young people and smoking programme, which aims to empower young people to play a vital role in de-normalizing the use of tobacco in Ireland, to bring down smoking prevalence rates and to prevent young people from starting to smoke in the first place.

The Awards provide training and resources to build the capacity of young people and their youth organisations to engage with others in discussing the harmful health effects of tobacco, the role of the tobacco industry in the production and marketing of tobacco and the other social, economic and environmental issues associated with smoking.

Sex for some people is a big part of life and for others it is less important. If you do not want to have sex or are not ready to have sex, it can be easy to feel there is something wrong with you but there isn’t.

Sex should be enjoyed and whether you are considering having it for the first time or the hundredth time it should be something you want to do and not under obligation or because of pressure. Sexual consent is needed for every sexual interaction and this means enthusiastically and freely agreeing to having sex with someone. We should never feel we have to have sex for any other reason than we want to.

Why would you say no to having sex?

There are a number of reasons why you might want to say no to sex, and you do not have to justify what your reasons are. If you are seeing someone and do not want to have sex, you need to voice these feelings so they know how you feel.

You do not feel ready to have sex

There are many factors which make a person feel ready to have sex, either for the first time in general or the first time with a new partner. It is normal not to want to rush into taking that step. You are the only person that will know when you are ready to have sex, trust your instinct and do not rush into anything you feel uncertain about. 

You’re not in the mood for sex

It is perfectly normal not to feel like having sex all the time. Stress, tiredness and our hormones can all affect our sex drive and you shouldn’t feel bad for not being in the mood. If you are worried about your lack of interest in sex and feel like there could be a larger issue, it is important to talk to someone about it and consider visiting your GP.

You want to wait to have sex

Some people want to abstain from sex, or are waiting to be in a committed relationship before taking that step. Having sex for the first time can be an important experience in a persons life, and it is important not to rush into it, especially if you feel pressured into doing so. Take your time and have sex whenever you feel ready.

You are not interested in sex 

People can go through their whole lives and periods of their lives where they do not want to have sex. Some people who do not want to have sex will identify as asexual. Being asexual does not mean that a person does not experience romantic feelings and emotions, but for the most part they do not have sexual desires for others. Everyone experiences sexuality in a different way and this is no different for those who identify as asexual. 

Whatever your reason for not wanting to have sex, it is perfectly valid and ok to have made that decision. Even if you have had sex before, you always have the right to say no.

What’s your comfort zone?

In the heat of the moment, it can sometimes be difficult to stop something from going further than you want it to. To understand what you want it is a good idea to have thought about what you’re comfortable with before a situation arises.

You may feel like you are ready for kissing and touching with clothes on, but not for touching under clothes. Or you may be ok with touching under clothes, but you’re not ready for oral sex or penetrative sex.

Whatever your comfort zone, it’s important that you don’t feel pressured into have sex, and know that you have the right to say no.

How to say no to sex

If you are do not want to have sex, are having sex and decide to stop or are kissing and decide you do not want to go any further, you are always completely within your rights to make that decision. You never have to have sex or engage in any sexual activity with someone unless you want to. 

When telling someone you do not want to have sex:

Sometimes when we try to tell someone we do not want to have sex they may not always listen. If someone does not listen to you when you tell them you do not want to have sex remember that this is never your fault. If someone has sex or engages in any sexual activity with you when you do not want to this is sexual assault or rape. 

My partner won’t have sex with me

Whatever reason your partner has for not wanting to have sex, you need to respect it. They may not feel ready to have sex with you and it’s important that you do not pressure them to do anything that they’re not ready for. If your partner does not want to have sex:

Remember: The age of sexual consent in Ireland is 17. If you’re over 16, you can consent to medical treatment including any treatment or tests needed.

There may come the time when your partner asks you to do something that makes you feel nervous, embarrassed, turns you off, or makes you feel uncomfortable. Saying no might feel difficult, because you don’t want to hurt them, or you may not know what to say.

Your reaction can depend upon your personal preference, the nature of the request, and how it is made. If either or you are under the influence of alcohol or drugs, suggest discussing this when you are both sober.

If someone asks you politely and respectfully, and their request isn’t breaking the law, then bear in mind that they have trusted you enough to ask. What might seem unusual to you could be normal and enjoyable to them. Everybody has different sexual preferences, and it’s normal for you and your partner to have different sexual interests and fantasies.

No matter what, always make sure you have your partner’s consent before engaging in any kind of sexual activity.

How to react to an unsual sexual request

How to say no to an unusual request

Your personal preferences are as valid as anyone else’s, and you have a right to say ‘no’ to anything that you don’t like the idea of. You do not have to fulfill every one of your partner’s fantasies. Here are some tips on how to talk to them about it:

Be respectful

Things to look out for

It’s important that your partner respects your feelings when it comes to sex. If you notice any of these signs, they may be trying to pressure you:

Remember it is always okay to say no to sex, and no one should make you feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. Learn about consent and how to recognise it.

Remember: The age of sexual consent in Ireland is 17. If you’re over 16, you can consent to medical treatment including any treatment or tests needed.

Friday 10th May is World Lupus Day. Lupus is not a well known illness in Ireland, yet there are so many people suffering with this incurable auto-immune disease. Lupus Group Ireland provides much needed support to those Irish people suffering with lupus, and raises much needed awareness of the illness in Ireland.

It was initially established in November 2011 as a Facebook page reaching out to fellow sufferers in Ireland. It has since grown to become a registered Irish charity run entirely on a volunteer basis by a committee and team of volunteers who all have lupus and work and study full time alongside their commitment with Lupus Group Ireland.

Lupus is an auto-immune disease whereby the body's immune system mistakenly attacks healthy tissue which leads to long-term (chronic) inflammation. Lupus can affect men and women of any age, but the majority of cases are found in young people, in particular, young women. Nine out of ten sufferers are female with the highest incidence occurring between the ages of fifteen and forty five.

Lupus can manifest itself with a multitude of symptoms. For most people, the condition is mild, affecting only the skin and joints but for others it can be severe and can involve the kidneys, heart, lungs and brain. One of the most prominent symptoms is an extreme tiredness that won’t go away no matter much rest the lupus sufferer gets.

Importantly, even mild lupus can have a serious physical and psychological impact on the daily life of the person who is affected. Lupus is very much an ‘invisible’ illness in the sense that there is a lack of awareness in the general public about the disease and many people with lupus may look well on the outside whilst inside tells another story.

This means people with lupus may suffer in silence as people just don’t understand.. This can impact upon social relationships and mental health. Lupus is a difficult disease to diagnose. Sometimes it is so difficult that patients feel isolated and wonder if the illness is "all in their head".

Some people have gone years without a diagnosis; such is the lack of awareness and difficulty of this condition. The majority of sufferers require constant medication to manage their symptoms, and the side effects of some of these medications can impact further upon physical appearance.

Jessica D's experience of living with Lupus.

"It all started Easter 2012, a month before my 17th birthday. I started to develop a weird rash on my arms which was blotchy and boiling hot to touch. My mam made an appointment to see a doctor but the GP just gave me cream. As the weeks progressed I started to develop a sharp pain in my wrists which I found hard to deal with as it was my leaving cert year and I had grinds every day after school. I went back to the GP and he gave me steroids.

It all got much worse on the night of my birthday! I was out for a meal with my friends and when I came home I found it extremely hard to get ready for bed as my ankles and knees had developed the sharp pain much like the pain in my wrists. I was crying with the pain, so my mam decided to bring me to A&E. We waited 13 hours to see a doctor as my symptoms weren't deemed as serious as others. After being seen I was sent home as nothing showed up in my tests and I was told to go back to my GP. I was then told that I had to see a rheumatologist. The waiting list was 6 months in my local hospital so my parents decided to go private.

As the week progressed, waiting on my appointment, my fingers became swollen and all of my joints where in serious pain. At this point I found it hard to dress or to even walk down my stairs. The morning of my appointment I was in so much agony that my mam had to help me get in the bath and get dressed. She had to link me everywhere because I couldn't walk.

The rheumatologist was nice and she commented on how swollen my joints where. She sent me for testing and after a few weeks of agony on steroids I was getting worse by the day. I found it so hard getting through the school day. My friends would carry my bag and l would have to call my parents to pick me up. I remember one day in grinds I couldn't get up off the seat and my friend had to help me out of the room. I got really dizzy and my head started to spin.

I just about got through my leaving cert but as the summer began it got much worse I started getting dizzy and feeling like I wanted to vomit and at the same time every day I would become really cold and would shake furiously. I would just have to sit under a blanket until I became boiling hot and burn up. When I went back to my rheumatologist she decided that she found nothing in my bloods to say that I had lupus, as I had questioned her about this.

I went to my GP clinic and had my X-rays. The next day I woke up and the rash I had originally returned but as the day I progressed it spread down both of my arms and was even more blotchy then it originally was.

The next day I was in work and I became really shaky and started my normal hour of shivering so I sat in the office to recover. It got so bad this time I started to throw up. My mam collected me and brought me to A&E. This time we were 10 minutes waiting as on this occasion my temperature was sky high and my blood pressure was really low. They thought I had meningitis and began testing.They tested me for everything and eventually after a skin biopsy, I had my answer. It was lupus.

I was told I would be sent home, but on that Friday I started getting a really bad headache so they decided to run more tests and keep me in. The next day had to be one of the worst days of my life. I woke up unable to lift my head off the pillow. My head was in so much pain it felt as if it was on fire. I started my usual shaking and had really bad thrush in my mouth. The nurses were great looking after me and my worried parents.

I don't remember the rest of what happened next. I was told that I started hallucinating and I vaguely remember a team of doctors in the room asking me my name and questions about myself. I found it so hard to talk. The next thing I remember was waking up with an oxygen mask on and a drip in my arm. I had been asleep for hours after my ordeal. My parents were at my bedside and told me what had happened.

The second week passed and although I was exhausted I couldn't get over the recovery I was making. I could actually get up without pain. I was back walking around and moving about so they decided to let me out. It took weeks of recovery at home and realising that I had lupus.

I came across the Lupus Group Ireland Facebook page and it helped me so much as I found people going through exactly what I was, and they gave me advice when I needed it. When I first came home I really didn't think I'd be where I am now. I went to my debs two months later and got into college and I went to Florida for Christmas after the ok from my doctor. The only thing I'm not allowed do is go out without sun cream or to go out uncovered, I have to take it easy when I feel tired but other than that I'm doing great.

Lupus has made me a different person. It has made be become more grateful for my brilliant family and friends who have been there for me every step of the way and it has made me grateful for my body which I have learned that I need to take more care of."

Were you aware that during the month of May, the Writers Festival, the International Dublin Gay Theatre Festival, the Fingal Film Festival and the Dublin City Soul Festival are all underway? I realised this last year in July when browsing the internet desperate for something to ease those restless summer blues. I was a tad too late to join in the fun as you might have already realised. However, I can proudly say I have learned from my mistake and actually planned my summer this time round in advance!

I know, planning fun seems like the nerdiest way to make sure you enjoy yourself and it doesn’t sound very spontaneous or free-spirited, but trust me when I say the summer passes by with a blink of the eye. While you’re still deciding what to do with yourself everyone else will be snap-happy taking pictures on their mobiles and uploading them up onto Facebook with the sole intention being to rub their good times in your face.

Now, even though I am not holding a bitter grudge against these Bebo-stunnah, show boaters…nonetheless, I would still like to have a somewhat memorable summer for my own benefit. So, I’ve decided to kick off the holidays in the sunnier climate of Marbella. That’s where I’ll be in the first week of June, lying on the sun blanched coast of Spain, sipping a Sex On the Beach and reading a book that is not on my college syllabus for a change. Perhaps I’ll finally get around to checking out J.K Rowling’s new literary venture or I might pick up a copy of Game of Thrones and see what all the fuss is about. Either way, I can read what I want, do what I want and if I don’t want to do anything at all I can (not) do that too!

Once I return and have greedily hogged up everyone’s newsfeed with my precious Kodak moments, it’s time to buy those all-important festival tickets. We really are spoiled for choice in Ireland with the diverse range of festivals we have on offer. There’s the Trinity College Dublin Shakespeare Festival (3rd June – 8th June), the Bloomsday Festival  (9th – 15th June), Taste of Dublin (13th – 16th June), the Dublin LGBTQ Pride Festival (21st – 30th June), Laya Healthcare Street Performance World Championship (12th – 14th July), Longitude (19th – 21st July), the Ukulele Hooley by the Sea (24th – 25th August) and, of course, Oxegen (2nd – 4th August) just to name a few.

Personally, as a bonafide indie child at heart, I’ll be reserving my place at Longitude and will be looking forwards to putting on those wellies to see such talents as Kodaline, Vampire Weekend, Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Jake Bugg, Foals, Leaders of Men and, as they always say, much, much more.

There are three months in the average student’s summer holidays and therefore there should be at the very least one major highlight for each month. That is why I will be getting a train heading westward at the end of July for the Galway races. Not only have I never been to the horses before, but I also have never got that dressed up in my life (no, I never made it to my debs, as sacrilegious as that may be), so it will be quite the experience for sure.

It’s a week-long event, taking place from July 29th to August 4th, so finding somewhere to stay is paramount. I’ve already been quizzing local Galwegians about the cheapest apartments and the local hostels. Even though I have never been there myself, I have friends who have and “the craic was nighty” seems to be the primary descriptor for the experience as a whole. All I need to do now is find a swanky dress and a ridiculous hat.
 

 

SpunOut.ie is always looking for ideas of things to do outside of Dublin. Would you like to write an article for us? Email [email protected]

Here in Ireland we are blessed with an entire three months of summer holidays. Did you know that’s twice as much as those poor unfortunates over in England get? So it makes perfect sense to do something productive with that time, learn new things, make new friends and maybe earn some dosh, right? If you’re looking to go to college, or you’re still in school, it’s going to be in your best interest to earn yourself some money, whether it be for schoolbooks or transport, or even a new pogo stick. Well, then, what’s the problem?

Unfortunately, these days it’s becoming difficult to find any job, not least a summer one. What with all this unemployment, job seeking is becoming increasingly competitive. Even if you’re not seeking full-time employment, rejection can always be disheartening. In addition, there are many young people (myself included) who are unsure whether to look for a summer job at all. 

I’m in fifth year at the moment, and if I’m going to do well in my exams next year it’s important that I put in some study throughout the summer. Many pupils and parents alike are worried that it will be hard to strike a balance between work and study. Is it possible to juggle your working hours and still put in the hard graft needed for your exams?

Think outside the box

I think that these problems can be fixed if you’re willing to be original and think outside the box. Have you considered that you don’t necessarily have to be employed to make money? You can work for yourself! Why not try setting up a little business over the summer? This will enable you to work flexible hours around your study, keep you on your toes for next year and, if you work hard, still make you a wad of cash. Think about what your passion is, how it can be turned into a business, and then go for it! Maybe you could babysit for the neighbours or give piano lessons?

Personally, my two passions are writing and baking. My friend and I are in the midst of setting up our own little cupcake business, ready for the summer. Contact your local environmental health officer for information if you’re interested in cooking. They will be only too happy to help. Last year, I went to the Dublin Zine Fair, and that’s where I discovered Zines, which are basically homemade, self-published magazines.

They can be filled with whatever you choose. I saw some great ones with short stories, comic strips and photographs. This year I intend to make some of my own so I can try selling them. I’ve also started a blog, but I think that will need more than twenty views a day before it starts bringing in the big bucks!

If you feel entrepreneurship is for you, there are two things to remember. Firstly, make sure all is legal and above board. Secondly, market yourself. You can make pretty much any product look good if you’ve got a decent brand. Come up with a name for your business, like “Rock-a-Bye-Baby-Sitting” or something less silly, and have a go at designing leaflets or business cards.

This can be enormous fun, and will probably mean the difference between a September with a brand new laptop and starting the new school year with a tear in your jumper. So I urge you SpunOutters, to go forth and be original!

 

As exams approach and stress levels rise, being able to manage your time and to prepare properly is vital to achieve your  best and for all your hard work to pay off. Here are some tips on how to stay on the ball during this time.

Don't compare yourself to others

Don’t compare yourself to how everyone else is getting on. Studying is very personal so follow a plan or timetable that’s tailored to your own study needs.

Choose the right study environment

Look after yourself and your environment. Try not to pull too many ‘all nighters’. Eat well and take care of yourself. Don’t forget to study in the right place; some people need comfortable and quiet surroundings, while others prefer some background music. 

Mix it up

Use different methods. When looking over notes don’t just bury yourself in pages of text. Break it down into short notes and revise them, stick them on your wall or just read them out loud. Find a study method that works best for you.

Take breaks

Clear your head. Head to the gym or just go for a walk with a mate. It’s important to give your mind a rest, so chill out regularly in between long study sessions.

Be positive

Positive people = positive you. Sticking to happy and positive people rubs off on us and helps us to stay calm and focused, so keep as many smiley people around you as possible.

Don't bottle things up

Work on your stress. If you’re feeling like you really can’t handle the exams, talk to someone. It’s okay not to feel okay so don’t be afraid to ask for help. Lots of people around you have been there and done that, your friends, family or college counsellor are sure to help.

Turn up at the right place

On the night before the exam confirm the time and location of it. Relax before you go to bed for about 30 minutes, watch some telly or listen to some music and make sure you get enough sleep before hand. Don't spend all night cramming.

Be prepared

On the day of the exam make sure you arrive at the right hall and that you have all your stuff packed (stationary, water, watch, student ID).  Before you leave the house, look over how many questions you have to answer for each section and how much time do you have?  Get some food into your system, even if it’s a morning exam. A good, slow energy release breakfast and water can really help you do your best.

Take deep breaths…

Take a deep breath as you open the paper and read through it before you start. Mark the questions you’re going to answer and remember to keep an eye on the time as you do them. Don’t give up, if you have a problem then skip it and move on to something else. Most importantly, leave some time to read over at the end. Some of our best ideas come from reading over our work.

Don't forget if something goes wrong you can contact your Students' Union

If you arrive late, don’t panic. See if you can be admitted in a bit late and if there’s a problem, contact your department office or students' union. If you’re too sick to go to an exam then just contact your department or students' union. Be sure to keep your doctors notes, as they might be required. If you have an issue with the paper, contact your lecturer and have a chat about it. If you feel like there was something wrong, it’s best to wait until you get it back, so hold on until you get your results before you take action.

Don't bottle up your stress

For more advice, talk to your mates, your lecturer, students union or college counsellor. You can find more support services at www.pleasetalk.ie, www.reachout.com/asktheexpert, www.spunout.ie, www.usi.ie/exams.
Best of luck in your exams!

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