How I found connection after feeling isolated in secondary school

I felt incredibly lonely throughout secondary school. In earlier years, my so-called ‘friends’ often excluded me. They would often meet up without inviting me, and they had group chats with everyone but me.

Feeling alone in secondary school

In the later years, I stayed home from school a lot as my mental health made it very hard to attend. When I did go to school, I would regularly sit alone in a bathroom cubicle, crying my eyes out for hours on end. Other days, I skipped school and wandered through shops or sat in cafés alone, just trying to pass the time.

I had new friends and a loving family, yet I’d never felt so alone. I was stuck in a vicious cycle where feeling lonely made me isolate myself, which made me lonelier, and the cycle would repeat itself.

Struggling to fit in with friends

Even though I had friends, I never belonged to a  ‘friend group’. I was friends with different people from different groups, but I didn’t feel like I fully fit in anywhere. I felt that no one would ever truly understand me and that I was all alone in this world.

Whenever we had to pair up in class, I panicked, knowing I wouldn’t be anyone’s first choice.  If there was an uneven number, I feared I would be left alone. On the way to matches or school trips, I often sat alone at the front while the ‘popular’ kids took the back.

Starting fresh: How college changed my life

Starting college was the best decision I’ve ever made. I had a fresh start. I now have a group of friends that I feel a part of, and I feel loved and appreciated by them. I attend lectures and socialise a lot by going for coffee, food or going out.

After a few months of college, I realised how lonely I had felt in secondary school. I learned that in friendships, quality matters over quantity. 5 close friends are better than 50 “friends” who don’t care properly about me. This mindset shift improved my life; my close friendships are fulfilling, and I’m so much happier.

The difference between loneliness and being alone

College changed the way I think about loneliness. It helped me to realise that loneliness and being alone are not the same thing; I can feel lonely when surrounded by others, and I can feel content while alone.

I learned a lot from my housemate, who always makes time in her day for alone time, yet she is a very social person. She showed me that enjoying time alone doesn’t mean isolating yourself from others.

Therapy taught me how to enjoy my own company. You spend your whole life with yourself, so you may as well learn to enjoy your own company. I no longer feel lonely when I’m alone. Being by myself doesn’t mean I’m unloved or isolated.

Loneliness is tough, but there’s always someone who understands, whether it’s family, friends or a mental health professional.

Remember, you are never alone.

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