Grief: can you experience it when no one has died?

What is grief? 

Grief is the mental process of reacting and adjusting to a significant loss or change. Many people associate grief with the death of someone close to them, but you can also experience grief after any loss or change in circumstances where you can not return to life as it once was. It can be particularly difficult to find the words to talk about your grief when nobody has died, but non-death grief can still be painful and take time to process. 

Sometimes, people can be more reluctant to talk about non-death grief, but every loss can impact you in a unique way. Depending on your circumstances, a non-death loss can be just as painful, or even more painful than a death-related loss.

You may experience non-death grief after: 

• Breaking up with a partner
• The end of a friendship 
• Emotional or physical changes in someone you care about
• Loss of a mentor or teacher
• Leaving school or college
• Changes in your family life
• The loss of a home
• Moving to another country
• Losing a job
• Loss of health, mobility or ability
• Infertility
• A major life change that shifts your sense of stability 
• Loss of hope for a potential future
• Loss of valuable or sentimental possessions
• Anticipatory grief – for example, when your loved ones are ageing or sick

Grief is not just sadness.  When it comes to your emotions, you may experience a range of feelings, including anger, guilt, relief, and even moments of sadness alongside happiness. 

Your thoughts may feel all over the place at once, and you might find it hard to make decisions or stop replaying memories repeatedly in your head. 

Physically, grief can leave you tired or restless and can affect your appetite and sleep patterns. It can also change how you act; you might find yourself pulling away from family and friends or losing interest in the things you usually enjoy. On the other hand, you might keep yourself busy to avoid any painful feelings. All of this is completely normal and shows just how your mind and body respond to grief in different ways.

How can grief affect me?

Grief doesn’t look the same for everyone. Some people will express their grief in visible ways that others can see, while others are less expressive and can seem like they aren’t as affected by the loss from the outside.

Some people want to talk about their grief straight away and find it helpful to share their thoughts out loud. Others may struggle to find the right words or feel unsure how to explain what’s going on with them. Some people prefer not to talk about their loss, and that’s okay, too. Sometimes, people will turn their grief into action, or process things quietly in their own time. Everyone’s response to grief depends on their own personal experience and preference; there is no ‘right’ way to grieve.

Grief can come with a mix of emotional and physical symptoms. Having different or conflicting emotions at the same time is completely normal. You may withdraw from others, avoid reminders of the loss, or you lose interest in the things you usually enjoy. Some people also stay very busy to distract themselves from painful feelings. Learn more about the symptoms of grief. 

What if people don’t take my grief seriously?

One of the most challenging parts of non-death losses is that they can often be misunderstood by others. Society can sometimes place less value or significance on certain types of loss, and this can result in the people around us minimising how impactful they can be. This is sometimes called disenfranchised grief. When this happens, it can make the grieving process more difficult, because when the people around you recognise and acknowledge your grief, it can make you feel supported and less alone. You may even feel guilty for grieving in the first place. 

Everyone responds to loss in unique ways. No matter what type of loss you have experienced, your grief is valid and understandable, and you deserve support to help process it. If you have had a negative reaction from someone you opened up to about non-death grief, it doesn’t mean that everyone will react in the same way. Reach out for support from people who will understand.  

How long does grief last?

There is no set timeline for grief. For some people, intense feelings of grief can ease over weeks or months. For others, grief can come in waves of ups and downs over longer periods of time, where one minute you feel ok, and the next minute you are overwhelmed. 

Certain moments, like birthdays, or anniversaries, hearing songs, or visiting places, can bring back feelings of grief very strongly. This doesn’t mean you are going backwards; it means you are processing these feelings and emotions that meant something to you. 

Over time, with the right support, those feelings can feel less overwhelming, and you can learn how to manage them while still navigating your life. 

When to seek support and what can help

Grief can be a difficult thing to go through, but it’s a normal part of life experiences. If you feel overwhelmed or you are struggling to cope with grief in your day-to-day, you may want to reach out and talk to someone about it. 

While nothing can take grief away immediately, small steps can help the process. Talking to someone you trust can make you feel less alone. Expressing yourself through writing, art, music, or movement can also help. Try to be patient with yourself if your energy or concentration is lower than usual. Try to keep small daily routines so that you can create a sense of stability.     

Bereavement counselling and support in Ireland

If grief feels too heavy to carry alone, it’s okay to get help from support services, a GP or mental health professional.

• The Irish Hospice Foundation
• Rainbows Ireland for children and young people under 18
• Anam Cara for bereaved parents and siblings
• Barnardos Children’s Bereavement Service for families & children/young people under 18

You can also reach out to any counselling service to ask about bereavement counselling. Learn more about going to counselling.

Sometimes you may not feel counselling is what you would like and yet you feel the need to talk to someone external to your friends and family for support. You can also contact any of the support lines below:

Irish Hospice Foundation Bereavement Support Line

The Bereavement Support Line, in partnership with the HSE, is available to any adult who has been impacted by bereavement.

The Support Line is a national freephone service available between 10 am to 1 pm from Monday to Friday. Call now at 1800 80 70 77.

Barnardos Children’s Bereavement Helpline Service

Barnardos Helpline Service:

• Call 01 473 2110
• Open between 10am-12pm Monday to Thursday to members of the public seeking information and support in relation to bereavement
• The Helpline is operated by fully trained and supported volunteers

Samaritans

Samaritans is a 24/7 active listening service, there to listen to you no matter what’s going on. You can talk to a Samaritans volunteer for free by calling 116 123.

Childline

Childline has a 24 hour freephone number for under 18’s

• You can call 1800 666 666 any time, day or night
• You can also chat online at childline.ie anytime, day or night

Pieta 

Pieta offers support to those who have been bereaved by suicide. This includes both their 24/7 helpline and counselling services as well as immediate help for those who have lost a loved one to suicide.

If you are in a crisis, you can contact Pieta any time:

Freephone 1800 247 247

Text HELP to 51444

Or call 0818 111 126 to make an appointment with a therapist

Feeling overwhelmed and want to talk to someone?

• Get anonymous support 24/7 with our text message support service
• Connect with a trained volunteer who will listen to you, and help you to move forward feeling better
• Whatsapp us now or free-text SPUNOUT to 50808 to begin.
• Find out more about our text message support service

If you are a customer of the 48 or An Post network or cannot get through using the ‘50808’ short code please text HELLO to 086 1800 280 (standard message rates may apply). Some smaller networks do not support short codes like ‘50808’.