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Am I in a toxic relationships?

If you feel there is something wrong with your relationship, there probably is


Written by SpunOut | View this authors Twitter page and posted in life


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A toxic relationship is a relationship that is bad for you. Instead of bringing security, contentment and joy to your life, a toxic relationship brings you more sadness than happiness. A toxic relationship is also usually full of ups and downs. If you are in a toxic relationship, you may feel ecstatic and extremely happy one day and utterly devastated the next. 

Toxic relationships are marked by drama. There will be dramatic arguments (some over the smallest of things), passionate make-ups, tantrums, repeated apologies and in some cases violence. As well as loving your partner, you may also become addicted to the drama. The constant rollercoaster ride may feel heart breaking at times, but it can also feel very exciting. Most relationships on TV, in films and in books play out like this, so a relationship like this may be viewed as somewhat normal. In the long term, toxic relationships are bad for your mental and physical health.

Signs of a toxic relationship

  • You get pulled in and doted on one day and pushed away and ignored the next
  • You feel emotionally unstable from the ups and downs of the relationship
  • You feel that you bear all the responsibility for making the relationship work and for fixing things
  • Your partner puts you down or you put your partner down
  • Your gut instincts don’t let you fully trust your partner
  • Your partner gets jealous of the time you spend with friends, family or even at work 
  • Your partner may text/phone obsessively
  • Your partner may tell you that they love you, you are beautiful and wonderful etc. but their behaviour does not demonstrate this ‘love’
  • You change yourself to please your partner more. This can mean anything from becoming quieter if they don't like your loud side, to losing or gaining weight and to dropping your hobbies if they are not into them
  • You are afraid of your partner and feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them
  • You lose confidence and have lower self-esteem than you used to
  • Family and friends don’t approve of the relationship, so you keep your worries and fears hidden
  • You lose yourself completely and feel like you could not survive without your partner
  • You may develop depression or even become suicidal

Why am I in a toxic relationship?

People of any gender can end up in a toxic relationship.You may think you don’t deserve much or can’t do better, so you take toxic love over nothing.You may also have put your partner up on a pedestal and when the relationship becomes toxic, you do not want to leave this person you basically idolise. Regardless of why you are in a toxic relationship you can always leave. If you are afraid of your partner or they are physically abusive there are supports available like Women's Aid and AMEN.

How to seek out a healthy relationship

Set boundaries

Be confident with relationships in your life. You may find it easier to stand up to your partner if you have had practice standing up to others in your life. Start small and try to increase your assertiveness bit by bit. 

Respect yourself

Deep down, you know you deserve better. Don’t settle for less and put up with someone’s negativity and abuse. Just don’t.

Focus on yourself

Work on your own life. Make time for your interests and hobbies, work hard at school/college or your job, spend time with friends and generally have a relationship with yourself first.

Surround yourself with friends

Fill your life with people who treat you with love and respect. It will help you remember how you like to be treated and lessen your threshold for negative behaviour.

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Published January 23rd, 2013
Last updated July 17th, 2018
Tags relationships
Can this be improved? Contact editor@spunout.ie if you have any suggestions for this article.

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