How to talk to a friend who is feeling suicidal

It can be upsetting and confusing when a friend or family member is feeling suicidal. You might feel shocked, or not know how you feel. Talking about suicide can be difficult for the person who is struggling, and for the person who is trying to help. It’s okay to acknowledge that this is a difficult subject to talk about for both of you.

If you are concerned about someone, trust your instinct and encourage them to talk to you. It’s best not to hesitate and to ask them directly if they are thinking of suicide. Be open and tell them your concerns in a calm and sensitive way.

If a friend confides in you that they are suicidal, you don’t need to take this on alone. Speak to someone you trust about what’s going on, or contact a support service. Thoughts or plans of suicide should never be kept secret – it’s important to reach out and ask for help.

In this article, you will information that covers the following:

• How do I know if someone is feeling suicidal?
• How to start a conversation about suicide?
• Helping someone who is suicidal
• What can I do if someone doesn’t want my help?
• How can I look after myself?

How do I know if someone is feeling suicidal?

The only way to know for certain if someone is feeling suicidal is to ask them. However, there are a few signs that might indicate that someone is thinking of taking their own life, including talking about suicide, withdrawing from friends and family, or feelings of hopelessness. Find out more about what signs to look for if you think someone might be suicidal.​

There are also a number of risk factors that could make it more likely for a person to consider suicide. Many people who die by suicide suffer from mental health difficulties, but this is not always the case. Sometimes a period of great change in a person’s life or suffering a loss could also contribute to suicidal feelings. When people know someone in the community, school, or family who has died by suicide, they may consider dying by suicide too. Learn more about the risk factors that contribute to suicide.

How to start a conversation about suicide

Thoughts of suicide can be isolating so a person experiencing suicidal ideation may feel alone and afraid to tell anyone. Talking about suicide does not make it any more likely to happen. Asking someone if they are feeling suicidal can often be a huge relief for people as it can often feel like a weight has been lifted. By asking about suicide, you are showing that person that you care about them and want to help.

Read more on how to talk to a friend when you’re worried about their mental health.

Find a safe place to talk

Consider planning in advance by identifying a safe place and time to talk to your friend about your concerns. This should be somewhere private where you both feel comfortable. If possible, tell the person you’ve chosen that you’d like to talk with them about how they’ve been doing in advance. This can help prepare them for an important conversation.

Stay calm

Stay as calm as possible and support your friend without judging them. Avoid getting angry with them if they aren’t ready to talk. Instead, be patient and emphasise that whenever they are ready, you will be there for them.

Ask them

Ask the person clearly and confidently if they are thinking about suicide. Some ways you might start this conversation openly include:

• Are you having thoughts of suicide?
• Are you thinking about taking your own life?

Try to keep the questions as open as possible so they are easily answered. Try also to make sure your question is clear and direct.

Let them know you are there for them

Let them know that you are ready to help them or keep them company if they need it.

Use phrases like these to reassure them that you want to help:

• I’m worried about you and I want to help
• Whatever you are dealing with, we’ll go through this together
• You have options and I can help you find the support you need

Listen carefully

Listen carefully in a non-judgmental way to what they say. Give them the space to speak without interrupting them.

You do not have to have all the answers, but listening in a non-judgmental way shows that you care and want to help.

Learn more about how to be a good listener.

Reassure them

Reassure them that help is available and that there are organisations like Pieta House who have a helpline with trained psychologists and therapists to talk to. You can ask your friend if they will allow you to make an appointment for them to see a psychologist free of charge. You can offer to go with them to their appointment for support. You can also get more information about counselling options or the different types of therapy.

You might also encourage your friend or loved one to see their GP. If there is an emergency, you can accompany them to A&E and let them know you will be with them the whole time. Find out more about accompanying someone to a support service.

What if they say they don’t think about suicide?

If your friend or loved one says that they don’t have thoughts of suicide, then they know that you are a safe person they can come to talk to in the future. If they have already taken steps to end their life, it’s important to call 999 or 112 immediately to get them medical attention or take them straight to A&E.

Your friend may be experiencing depression, or engaging in self harm, both of which increase a person’s risk of experiencing suicidal thoughts or engaging in suicidal behaviour. Read more on depression and self harm.

What can I do if someone doesn’t want my help?

It can be challenging if someone you care about is in a difficult place but is reluctant to reach out for help or accept the support you’ve offered. This can be frustrating for all involved, but it’s important that you remember that there are limits to the help that you can offer.

There is only so much you can do, and it’s best to acknowledge this, and to avoid becoming overly self-critical. Be patient. It may take a while for the other person to open up and feel comfortable talking with you. Tell them that you are there for them when they are ready to seek help. If you are worried about the person, it may be time to contact a family member and share your concerns.

Helping someone who is suicidal

Before you read this, please ensure you have read the earlier points in the article too.

• Ask them if they have planned how they might hurt themselves, and remove access to any means of suicide or self harm
• If they are attending a mental health service, ask them for the contact details of their team
• If the person has acted or is threatening to act on their suicidal thoughts, contact emergency services immediately by ringing 999 or 112, or accompany them to the nearest A&E department
• While you are waiting for emergency services to respond, stay with them until you receive professional help

Your friend may be in such a state of distress that they may not see the point in getting help or may be scared about what receiving help might mean. In this case, your priority is to ensure the safety of your friend even if it means going against their wishes (by phoning their GP or 999 or 112). This can be a hard thing to do because you may worry that this could affect your relationship. However, in the long term, the best thing you can do is to ensure the safety and wellbeing of your friend.

How can I look after myself?

Providing support to someone else can be draining and exhausting. It is important to mind yourself and be aware of the impact on your own mental wellbeing.

Talk to someone you trust

Even if your friend has asked you not to tell anyone, it is important that you talk to a professional so that your friend can get the support that is needed. Equally important is talking to someone about how you are feeling. Remember to look after your own mental health too.

Know your limits

Be realistic about what support you can offer and try not to take too much on. Remember that noone is fully responsible for another person’s life. Do what you can to help, and reach out to others who can help you support your friend such as their family member, a mental health professional, a teacher, or another trusted friend.

Take a break

Make time to take a break from what is going on for your friend and try to practice some self-care. Find something you can do that relaxes you and helps to take your mind away from what is going on. You deserve to make time for yourself.

For more information on supporting a friend, read our articles on helping a friend with depression, tips for being a good listener, and conversation starters on mental health.

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