How to have difficult conversations

We all face difficult conversations at some point—whether it’s with a friend, family member, partner, or someone at work or school. These moments can feel daunting, but how you approach the conversation can make a big difference.

Choosing the right setting is key. Aim for a space where both you and the person you’d like to speak with will be comfortable. This can often mean finding somewhere private or avoiding public or busy places, like school, work, or the dinner table. Creating a comfortable environment can help set the tone for a more open and useful conversation.

How to start difficult conversations

Agree to listen to one another

One of the key ingredients to any meaningful conversation is the ability to listen. If you’re worried the discussion might lead to an argument, set some ground rules first. Agree that each person will get the chance to speak without being interrupted. The goal is to really hear what the other person is saying.

Even if you don’t agree to take turns speaking, making an effort to listen can help. When you start by giving the other person time and space to share without being interrupted or rushed, they’re more likely to listen and be respectful in return.

How to practise active listening

Active listening is essential in any difficult conversation because it shows the other person that you care about their perspective and want to understand them. More than just hearing the words, it’s showing that you’ve really heard what the other person has been saying.

You can brush up on your active listening skills in a number of ways, including:

• Being patient and giving the other person space: Avoid interrupting the other person’s flow, even when you’re eager to respond. Try to let them finish before you respond
• Withholding judgement: Try not to jump to conclusions or form your response while the other person is speaking. Instead, focus on understanding their point of view
• Asking open-ended questions: Open-ended questions are questions that can’t be answered with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer. They ask the other person to share more about what things are like for them. This can help shift your focus from defending your own point to clarifying the meaning of what the other person is saying. This shows them that you truly care about their experience. For example: “Can you tell me more about what that’s like?” or “How do you feel when that happens?”
• Reflecting back what you’ve heard: Summarise their key points to make sure you’ve understood correctly before responding with your own views or interpretations. Try phrases like: “So, what I’m hearing is that you’re feeling frustrated because…” or “It sounds like you’re saying that you feel left out when…”

These active listening techniques can help reduce tension and prevent misunderstandings. When people feel genuinely listened to, they’re more likely to open up and feel respected, which makes it easier to find common ground and move the conversation forward in a useful way.

Be honest about how you feel during difficult conversations

Talking about difficult topics takes courage. If the person you’re speaking with becomes upset, it can be tempting to backtrack or soften your message. But staying calm and sticking to the points you wanted to raise is important. Even if your words are hard to hear, being honest can help solve difficult situations.

Honesty doesn’t have to mean being harsh or judgmental. It’s about sharing your feelings respectfully. Taking time to deliver your thoughts with care can help deepen the conversation and encourage the other person to engage honestly too. This can lead to greater understanding and a more meaningful conversation.

Choose a time that feels right

If there’s something important you need to talk about but you or the other person is not ready yet, that’s okay. Timing is crucial in difficult conversations, and it’s important to trust your instincts about when the time will be right. Rushing into a conversation before you feel ready can lead to misunderstandings or heightened emotions.

Be prepared to wait. The person you want to speak to may not be able to have the talk right away. Sometimes, you may need to set a time with the other person in advance. Scheduling time for deeper discussions with loved ones, close friends, or partners can sometimes be helpful. Setting aside intentional time shows that the conversation matters, and it allows both of you to come into it feeling more prepared and focused.

Accept your emotions

Feeling sad, angry or any intense emotion during a challenging conversation does not necessarily mean you’re not ready to talk. It’s natural to experience difficult emotions when discussing something important, especially when there’s a clash of perspectives or needs. Try to practise self-compassion. If you need a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts, take it. You may also find information on how to regulate emotions and how to manage difficult emotions helpful.

The other person may become dismissive because you’re experiencing strong emotions or becoming visibly upset. Remind yourself that feeling and leaning into your emotions, without causing you or the other person harm, is a healthy part of emotional expression. You can’t control how the other person responds, and you can’t force them to listen if they’re not ready. What matters is that you are showing up, connecting to your emotions, and expressing yourself honestly.

Tips for handling difficult conversations

• Check in with yourself: Before starting the conversation, take a moment to assess whether you’re ready to talk. Sometimes, we need extra time to process our feelings and clarify what we want to communicate
• Choose the right time and place: If possible, find a calm, private setting where you can have an uninterrupted conversation
• Find a position that feels right for you: Some people feel more comfortable sitting side by side rather than face to face during difficult conversations. If that’s what works best for you, choose a setup that helps you feel at ease. If the other person seems unsure or confused, you can gently explain your preference
• Be open to understanding: Enter the conversation with a willingness to hear and understand the other person’s perspective. Use open-ended questions and reflect what you’ve heard back to them to ensure you understand their experience
• Practise active listening: Demonstrate that you are genuinely engaged in the conversation by being patient, giving the other person your full attention, and acknowledging their feelings
• Use “I” statements: Express your feelings and the impact of the other person’s behaviour using “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example, instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” you could say, “I feel overlooked when my thoughts aren’t acknowledged.” This helps to avoid sounding accusatory and encourages a more open dialogue
• Be honest but respectful: Find a comfortable balance between sharing your thoughts and feelings honestly while showing respect for the other person
• Incorporate consensual touch: If appropriate, a gentle touch of a hand or shoulder can help express your care and bring about a sense of deeper connection
• Aim for compromise: Recognise that you might not reach the exact outcome you hoped for. Try to leave the conversation with both of you feeling heard, valued, and understood
• Seek external help if needed: If an issue remains unresolved, there’s no shame in reaching out to a counsellor, trusted friend, or colleague for extra support or mediation

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