I met a man, I fell in love. We parted and I let my hurt overpower my sense of right and wrong. I did an unkind thing to someone who is so important to me.
I had let myself become so bitter. I lost my mental health in my grief over a man.I had tied myself irrevocably to a man who didn’t want me. While I know that this is not an excuse, the pain I went through needs to be acknowledged.
The feeling of complete worthlessness carried me. It was absorbed into the walls of my chest, every day, every night. I needed to feel closer to him, to have something else to focus on. Watching him, stalking him online and the people he was involved with made me feel closer to him. Even writing those words disgusts me.
I knew it was wrong, yet my desire to hold on overwhelmed me, more then can ever be explained. I did a sick thing. I tried to harass someone I love.
I wanted a reaction, a response. I’d lie awake thinking, how can he not know that I am in pain? I was heartbroken. I kept watching him, watching his involvement with others online, hoping one day I wouldn’t have to watch, I could be a part of something with him again. I struggled to get through each day without vomiting from anxiety.
The anger I felt at myself for feeling this way worsened my mental state. I watched him have a relationship, devastated that he could while I suffered.
My pain and anger manifested physically. I vomited uncontrollably at least once a week from seeing this relationship unfold. I was devastated that he could have a relationship with someone else. Being nasty towards him online, using many different accounts, was my way of getting a response.
I wanted him to act, to be angry, to have some feeling toward me. However, I never, ever wanted him to be hurt by my actions. I didn’t think my actions would hurt him emotionally, because I believed he didn’t feel strongly enough towards me to be hurt. I would be devastated if someone hurt him, though I can see how that’s hard to believe.
I never enjoyed observing him or being abusive toward him or anyone else. I was trying to get closer to him, which is just so disturbing. It made me feel creepy, obsessed and totally pathetic. My actions were cowardly, illegal. My bitterness had festered into vitriol, conveyed through the mediums of Twitter and Facebook. I was shocked that I could be this way. That version of myself is too warped even for me to understand.
It frightened me that I could be this way. I got no pleasure from it. I was just sick. I was guilty, isolated and completely consumed by the feeling of depression. I tried to attack his partners too. I didn’t know these girls, it was nothing personal. I had never been a jealous person, I was only jealous of their closeness with him. I regret my behaviour beyond expression. I love him, yet this is not a sane display of love.
It is so unfortunate that I used something as wrong as harassment to convey real pain. I’ve been seeing a counsellor and focusing on getting healthy. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. I can’t change what has happened, only learn from it.
Anyone who is dealing with mental illness or heartbreak, or both, please know that you are never alone. There are amazing organisations that provide discrete help, run by people who will listen and care for your wellbeing.
Speaking to a counsellor has really helped me. It is important to accept and acknowledge how you feel. Nothing is ever permanent: Pain, guilt, anger, all of these emotions will fade. Acknowledging and accepting our feelings, no matter how bad they may seem is always a brave thing to do. It is braver than hurting yourself or others.
We all have inner strength we never knew we had. It takes courage and self belief to find it, but it is there and it can be achieved. I feel guilty everyday, but I can cope with this guilt because that means I learned from my mistake. I am learning to forgive myself because I know that I utterly regret what I did.
If you are reading this and suffering, try to avoid doing things that are self destructive, try to act from a place of kindness towards yourself. Harassment, online or otherwise is never the right thing to do. Anyone in a similar situation should stop immediately pick up the phone, talk to someone. There will always be someone who will listen.
We are not defined by our mistakes, only our lessons.