Since I was in primary school I always felt I was an outsider yet I never appeared it (at least not to others). I remember I would worry about things that children my age wouldn't have and I some times believed I was feeling things so much deeper than others would. Growing up, I realised that this would prove to be my greatest weakness but also my greatest strength because I could teach my mind to work for me and recognise when it works against me. It's no doubt people encounter extremely low periods in their life but when we fall into this difficult time we need to learn how to get back up and the only way I could actually do this was by learning to accept myself.
Recently all the dark times I've faced have been playing back in my mind and I've just been stumbling all over the place. I have been mainly having trouble maintaining my high fitness level, sleeping, relaxing and being comfortable with who I am as an individual. So many times I would tell myself "you're an absolute idiot" that I was actually not seeing the damage I was doing to myself. As weeks were passing on I was becoming more troubled, I would convince myself that everyone around me was sick of me, provoking me to lose trust in them and back off. I identified with what I was doing and how I was feeling but I forgot to ask myself; "Why are you feeling like this?" Simple, I'm not learning to accept myself.
Informing myself that I was an idiot and beating myself up over how I am has done me no favours. A friend once told me "I look to into things" but who cares? Yeah so I question everything and play back conversations in my head a 100 times wondering if I said something wrong but that's just me. I've tried so hard to stop embracing parts of my personality that I've practically become my own worst enemy when I should really be my own best friend.
So instead of self hating and closing myself off from the world I told myself that I needed to stop for a moment and consider the fact that I'm me for a reason. Many people I know love to go out to parties and drink, deep down I know that's not me, I would rather drink tea and sit by the fire by myself or with a loved one and that's okay, I'm not the only one. My friends want the newest make up and make up brushes whereas I am so thankful that my make up brushes are labelled or I wouldn't have a clue what I'm doing.
Basically what I am trying to say is, I must acknowledge the fact that I have certain aspects to my character. I'm anxious and I'm reserved but that's not entirely a bad thing once I learn to control these weak spots. Being anxious? It's obviously exhausting but I will most likely arrive to work and hand in an assignment for college on time because of it. Being reserved? Well at least I take into account that the people I love dearly are my world and that some people are worth letting your guard down for. I don't have to be anyone I'm not to suit everyone else. If I had to offer a piece of advice to anyone reading this it would be just to accept yourself, better yourself if you wish but do not tear yourself apart that you forget how to put the pieces back together.