Seeing LGBTI+ athletes on screen helped me feel like I belonged in rugby

Growing up feeling like you’re different can be a very lonely and somewhat damaging experience for anyone. Especially for those involved in hypermasculine spaces like rugby clubs and teams.

Feeling different from the start

I played rugby for ten years with my local club, the club my three siblings played for, the club my father and all of his siblings played and coached for. It’s safe to say my house was a very traditionally masculine house.

As early as I can remember, I was playing a sport that I didn’t feel the same connections to as my brothers did. I never got that sense of community or camaraderie that I saw everyone around me have, that feeling I wanted so desperately, just to fit in.

Realising I was gay and what that meant for rugby

When I first realised I was gay, one of my first thoughts was “oh I have to quit rugby now” because I’d never heard of or seen gay athletes, not in my club, on TV shows or films or at any match I’d gone to.

It didn’t even occur to me that you could be gay and an athlete at the same time. I continued to play rugby for five years while I was in the closet, and to be honest, they were some of the hardest years of my life.

Feeling so alone and out of place in the club I grew up in. I’d always feel so isolated, especially when my teammates would be asking about girls I had crushes on or who I was talking to. it was purely suffocating because I never had an answer for them, and with every time I didn’t answer, my fear of people finding out about my sexuality grew stronger and stronger.

Fear in the dressing room

I always remember this one time when we went to Spain as a team, and one of my teammates kept hounding me, asking me if I was gay and trying to get me to come out. I felt like I couldn’t come out, especially not to my teammates, because I thought they would refuse to play on a team with a gay rugby player. I thought they would harass and bully me until I was forced to quit the sport I actually did love playing.

These moments of hopelessness and loneliness almost pushed me away from my sport, but two things kept me going to trainings and matches: one was my dad. Seeing how proud it made him to see his son out on the pitch, it meant more to me than anyone else’s opinions.

The second was myself. I stopped putting myself down on the opinions of others because I knew I was a valuable player, I knew that I loved my sport, and that’s all that mattered to me; the rest I left behind.

What kept me going

Now looking back, after seeing such an influx of LGBTQ+ representation in sports and media, I can’t help but be excited. Excited for the future generation of LGBTQ+ athletes because seeing that representation is so incredibly important. It makes us feel seen when we think we’re alone in the dark. It makes us feel heard when we think our screams are falling on deaf ears. That’s the hope that athletes need, whether they’re still in the closet, came out, or even questioning their sexuality.

Why representation matters

Having LGBTQ+ representation in sports and sports media shows us that there is space for us in athletic environments, that someone’s athletic capabilities are not based on their sexuality but their performance.

Look at Andy Farrel, one of the most renowned rugby referees in the world, the first professional referee to come out, and he had the most successful career after coming out.

Even fictional shows and films like Heated Rivalry and Heartstopper are so vital for people who are afraid to come out because of their love for their sport or their club. These shows stop talented athletes from hanging up their boots, and isn’t that the whole purpose of sports, people coming together on the pitch playing a sport they love?

Seeing a future in sport

I hope any athlete who is struggling with their sexuality or with coming out realises that no one thinks you’re a brilliant defender, scrumhalf or goalie because you’re straight; they think you’re brilliant at what you’d do because you show it on the pitch. That’s what matters the most, and that’s all your coaches or teammates will care about.

Try not to let the fear of what might or might not happen stop you from playing the sport you love.

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