Learning to enjoy my own company helped me make better friends

I was a lonely teenager. Not necessarily always alone, I had friends and I got along pretty well with my peers, but I have never felt as lonely as I did within those secondary school walls. Being neurodivergent greatly contributed to this feeling of isolation.

I often felt like I was a foreign object among my peers and friends. It felt like they were all speaking in a language that no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t understand. I was the child who was told that they were “so mature for their age”. It was always said in a positive context, but I struggled to connect with and understand children my age.

I felt that adults were easier to understand, and they always seemed to like me more. To adults, I was gifted and mature, well-behaved and quiet, “a delight to have in the classroom”. With other kids, I felt like they could see right through me, that they could see that something was just “not right with me” and that one day they would jump out, pull off my mask and expose me as a fraud.

Masking and self-criticism

One thing that was a big barrier in the way of being able to connect with other young people was that I was constantly comparing myself to them and hating myself for not reaching “perfection”. I couldn’t make conversation like them, couldn’t focus like them, I struggled with anything that required coordination, and I would rather sit alone with my favourite book than spend time with kids my age. But the irony was that I masked so well that I didn’t even know who was wearing that mask anymore. Not only did I feel alone when I was with others, but I felt alone within myself, like I was experiencing a civil war within my own mind.

Facing myself during the pandemic

My healing journey took a positive turn once I left school. The pandemic happened during this time, and so I, like everybody else, was forced to spend a lot of time with myself. At first, I hated every second of it. I spent all my free time bullying myself, handpicking and analysing all my flaws while comparing myself to people I saw online. I hit a breaking point of feeling so alone and craving connection that I forced myself to realise that I had a built-in friend. Someone that I was a bad friend to, someone who I had spent most of my time belittling myself.

And yes, I am aware of how cliché it sounds, but having my own back truly gave me a sense of security that I had never felt before. I had someone who understood what I felt and was always there for me. Since I had a lot of free time on my hands, I took that time to face my trauma, my pain and fears that I pretended weren’t there and started to learn how to love myself.

Learning to love myself

Now, I am by no means an expert in this; it’s a slow and, at times, tedious journey to learn how to love myself. Sometimes I have days where I struggle with self-acceptance, but the skills that I learnt at this time have not left me. Treating myself the way I treated the people I loved, accepting my flaws and catching myself before spiralling in comparing myself with others.

By treating myself with love and respect, I made making healthy and loving friendships so much easier. When I was treating myself so poorly, I was letting people treat me poorly, too. If I didn’t accept behaviour from myself, I wouldn’t accept anyone else treating me that way.

Redefining loneliness

By learning to enjoy my own company, I have made loving and supportive friendships and developed a healthier relationship with myself. Now, feeling lonely is a temporary feeling, one I know that serves its purpose but no longer has to be all-consuming. Just a feeling, not a state of being.

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