What it feels like to witness rising tensions as a person of colour in Ireland

How does it feel to witness rising tensions as a person of colour in Ireland?

Scary. That’s the short answer. The long answer is a lot more complicated – a mixture of swirling, confusing feelings within my heart.

Tensions have been rising for the last two or three years, slowly but surely. They make their way into the public eye, into word of mouth.

Most of the time, it doesn’t play on my mind. Until I open the news app on my phone, and a new, jarring headline pops up. Suddenly, I’m not just another college student in her 20s, living my life just like everyone else. My very existence becomes political.

The fact that I was born and brought up here, that my life is here, is brought into question. When tensions spark, you get brought back down to earth very quickly. It impacts your life, your mental health: you have to think about what has happened.

It sometimes feels like living a double life, caught between everyday worries and the weight of something much bigger. It’s a very scary sensation.

Scary doesn’t quite begin to describe it all. So here are some words that do.

Lonely: Feeling isolated in my own country

Whenever one of these events occurs, there’s an isolating and uneasy feeling. You begin to wonder if other people think the same way, harbour those resentful feelings. Micro-aggressions and hurtful “jokes” that aren’t quite jokes have been peppered throughout my life, now and then. I learned to grin and bear this quiet, hushed form of racism, but this? These tensions are a lot louder.

After the Dublin Riots in 2023, the reality of the situation set in for me. Sure, I had read about out-loud, brash, angry racism before, but it had never been so close to home. Naive as it was, it hadn’t occurred to me that people carry this much resentment towards immigrants, misdirected as it may be. It felt like a reality check; it felt like waking up from a dream.

I think the riots did leave a mark on the city and the minds of people around the country. The nation was taken aback by the sheer scale of the riots – nothing like this had ever happened before. I’ll never forget the signs I saw on social media that said “Irish lives matter”. Somehow, I got the sense that they weren’t talking about everyone.

I became anxious about experiencing racism after the riots. I would be nervous to meet new people and even go to Dublin, just in case someone says or does something unkind. In those moments, I felt so lonely in this self-imposed bubble, and so consumed by the fear of what might be.

Now, I’m much more confident in my ability to hold my own, even if I do happen to encounter someone who might say or do something hurtful. Still, a flicker of fear sparks in the back of my mind whenever I see one of those unsettling headlines, even if it fades quickly.

Troubled: Questions that keep coming back

Whenever these tensions peak, I find myself afraid and having to ask myself lots of questions. “What does this mean for me?”. “How many people feel this way?” “This is my home – why am I being made to feel this way?”. Big, complicated questions. Questions that no one has a direct, quantitative answer for.

Over time, as the uproar over a protest dies down, these questions get washed away in the tides of my mind. Only for them to resurface next time tensions peak again. Forever in my head.

It makes me uncomfortable and afraid. I’m a person who likes answers, and mulling over these seemingly rhetorical questions leaves me with a profound sense of uneasiness. I can’t turn a blind eye to these events either.

There are times when it plays in my head, on loop. But there are also times when it doesn’t cross my mind at all. However, I feel like it’s always there, sitting in my subconscious; this quiet fear, this quiet discomfort.

Tiring: Living with constant vigilance

Hearing about the constant protests and growing tensions in Ireland is also really exhausting as a person of colour. It feels a little like being engulfed by a wave and emerging, only to spot another one approaching on the horizon. It’s exhausting to hear the same upsetting news again and again.

It almost makes you lose hope and accept the idea that this is just how things are, that this harmful way of thinking is stronger than human kindness. Obviously, this is far from the truth. Sometimes, I feel like just giving up; that the fight against racism is just a lost cause in today’s day and age. Once again, completely untrue, but it really feels that way sometimes.

Hope: Why I still believe in community

This one is a bit surprising. Hope is like the bird that always sings, even in the gloomiest of storms. This unbreakable feeling creeps up even when the going is tough, as strange as it may be.

I do truly believe that human goodness always triumphs over unkindness. When anti-immigrant and racist sentiments rise, there will always be lovely people who come out against it.

It makes me feel happy and proud to be Irish when I see so many people come together as a community, united against these attitudes.

Speaking up is my way forward

Racism is a problem that has been around for centuries. Every generation has had to deal with it in its own way.

People are often surprised when I talk about the impact rising tensions have had on me. I think a lot of the time, the gravity and reality of racism aren’t understood. A lot of hatefulness comes from a place of ignorance.

I would like people to have more empathy and understanding towards people who have walked different paths. Education is the key here. I think it’s time we came together to build an anti-racist Ireland.  I wanted to write this personal essay to contribute in a way that feels right for me in my own way.

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