Understanding how you might feel after a death

If someone close to you has died, you might be feeling things you didn’t expect, or you might not know what you’re feeling at all. There are no rules about what you should feel, or for how long, and everyone’s experience is different. This article gives information about some of the ways you might be feeling, but there are many other experiences outside of these. If you would like to speak to someone about how you are feeling, we offer a free, 24/7 text support service. You can text HELLO to 50808 to start a conversation today with a trained volunteer.

Understanding the different ways you might feel when grieving

Grief is a natural reaction to loss. We form deep attachments to the people in our lives, so it makes sense that we feel distressed when someone we love dies. Grief isn’t something you “get over”. There’s no magic cure or fixed timeline. Instead, grief is more like a process, often coming in waves as you come to terms with what has happened, and slowly finding ways to adapt.

Your grief is as unique as your fingerprint. Some days you might want to talk about it, other days not. Some people find comfort in writing, art, sport, or bursts of physical energy. There’s no formula; try find things that help you.

Common thoughts and feelings when someone close to you dies

Not everyone experiences every one of these, but it can help to recognise the ones that show up for you.

Physical effects

Grief doesn’t just live in your head. It can show up in your body too. Headaches, stomach aches, appetite changes, trouble sleeping, tiredness, irritability, and difficulty concentrating are all common. Nightmares can happen too. If they’re frightening you, talking about them with someone can make them feel more manageable.

Loneliness and sadness

You can feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people, especially if your family is all grieving differently, or if your friends haven’t been through anything similar. If you find yourself crying a lot, remember, tears are one of the body’s natural ways of releasing stress. It is okay to cry and how people process sadness is different from person to person.

Shock

Many people describe feeling numb at first after a death. That’s your brain protecting you momentarily from the full reality of the loss. Shock can look different from person to person. It can include struggling to take in what has been said, sobbing, laughing, or seeming unaffected. If your own reaction to the death or the funeral felt “wrong” to you afterwards, try not to be hard on yourself. Shock shows up differently for everyone.

Anger

Anger is a completely understandable response, even if there isn’t always a clear reason behind it. You might feel angry about the unfairness of the situation, angry that your life has changed, or angry at the world for suddenly feeling different. Anger can also turn towards yourself, towards people you feel didn’t do enough, or sometimes confusingly towards the person who died, even though you know it is not their fault. These feelings are natural. What matters is finding safe ways to express anger rather than pushing it down.

Anxiety

Loss can shake your sense of safety and control, so anxiety is a very common and expected part of grieving. You might worry about the future, about who will look after you or your family, or about your own health or a loved one’s health. You might also worry about practical changes like a new school, a house move, money, or not knowing what to say to people. If you already experienced anxiety before the bereavement, it’s common for it to feel stronger afterwards.

Dealing with grief within families

If someone from your family has died, everyone in your family is likely grieving differently, and often at different times. This can be hard to watch, especially if you’re not sure what to say to a parent, guardian or sibling who is struggling. Sometimes families avoid talking about the person who died out of a wish to protect each other but this can end up shutting down important conversations.

Remember: each person in your family is grieving a different relationship in their own way. You don’t need to feel guilty if you’re too consumed by your own grief to support others right now.

It is okay to feel better

Grief tends to soften over time, but it doesn’t disappear completely, and it doesn’t move in a straight line. Special days like anniversaries, birthdays, a song, or even a smell can bring feelings back to the surface even after you’ve been doing okay for a while. This isn’t a setback. It’s a normal part of the process, often described as a burst or wave of grief. You’re also allowed to start feeling better without guilt. It doesn’t mean you’re forgetting the person or disrespecting their memory. It means you are learning to live with your loss and grow around your grief. Adapting to your new reality. 

When to look for extra support

Many people get through grief with support from friends and family. But sometimes it helps to talk to someone outside the situation. Consider reaching out for extra support if you notice self-blame or guilt that isn’t easing, ongoing sadness that doesn’t seem to lift, overwhelming anxiety, or feelings of hopelessness.

Contact your GP if you’re using alcohol or drugs to cope, engaging in risk-taking behaviour, self-harming, or having thoughts of suicide.

If you or someone you know needs support, you can contact:

• Pieta offer free support around suicidal thoughts and self-harm: Call 1800 247 247 or text HELP to 51444
• Text About It is a free, anonymous, 24/7 messaging service providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support for your mental health and emotional well-being. Text HELLO to 50808
• You can contact your local hospice’s bereavement team who often support young people beyond their own patients’ families

This factsheet draws on Finding Your Way Through Grief, developed by the social work team at St. Francis Hospice Dublin with bereaved teenagers.