The psychology of sextortion: How scammers manipulate people

If you have experienced sextortion, you may have found yourself wondering afterwards: “How did I not see this coming?” or “Why did I trust them?” These are common questions. You may feel embarrassed, ashamed or blame yourself for what happened. But it was not your fault.

The reality is that people who carry out sextortion often use deliberate tactics designed to gain trust, create fear and pressure victims into acting quickly. These tactics exploit ordinary human emotions and responses, making it difficult for people to recognise what is happening or feel able to seek help. Understanding how sextortion works can help explain why someone might respond in a particular way or challenge the idea that they are somehow responsible for what happened to them.

What is sextortion?

Sextortion is when someone uses sex, sexual images, or their position of power to pressure, threaten, or manipulate another person into doing something they don’t want to do. They may ask for:

• Money
• More intimate images or videos
• Sexual acts
• Personal information

In many cases, the person responsible is someone the person has never met in real life. While every situation is different, many sextortion cases follow a similar pattern. The person first works to gain trust before using pressure, fear and manipulation to take control of the situation.

What is grooming?

One of the most common psychological tactics used in sextortion is grooming. Grooming is when someone, usually in a position of power, deliberately builds a relationship with another person who is younger or in a vulnerable position to manipulate or exploit them later. This process can happen over days, weeks or sometimes longer.

The person may:

• Act friendly and supportive
• Show interest in your hobbies and life
• Give you lots of compliments
• Message frequently
• Give gifts
• Isolate you in an attempt to get you to see them as the only person they can talk to
• Pretend to share personal information
• Present themselves as trustworthy and caring

The goal is often to create a sense of connection, safety, and isolation. As trust grows, you may feel more comfortable sharing personal details, photos or private thoughts.

In some cases, the person may pretend to be around the same age as you or claim to have similar experiences and interests. They might even use stolen photos or fake profiles to make themselves appear genuine. The interaction can feel real and emotionally meaningful, and it is often difficult to recognise that manipulation is taking place.

Emotional exploitation and using feelings to gain control

Once trust has been established, the person may begin using emotions to influence your decisions. This is known as emotional exploitation. They may make you feel special by saying things like:

• “You’re the only person I can talk to”
• “I’ve never connected with anyone like this before”
• “I trust you completely”

In the context of manipulation, statements like these can create a sense of closeness and responsibility. You may begin to feel that refusing a request could damage the relationship or hurt the other person’s feelings. Some offenders also use guilt to pressure victims.

For example, they might say:

• “If you cared about me, you would do this”
• “I thought I could trust you”

This can make someone feel responsible for the other person’s feelings or fearful of losing the relationship if they refuse. Healthy relationships do not require someone to ignore their comfort levels or boundaries in order to maintain a connection.

Exploiting trust and creating a false sense of safety

People who engage in sextortion often work hard to convince victims that there is no risk involved. They may promise that:

• Images will stay private
• Messages will be deleted
• Screenshots will not be taken
• Nobody else will know what occurs between them

Some may even send intimate images first, creating the impression that they trust you and expect trust in return. This can create a false sense of security. Someone may promise that intimate images or private information will remain confidential, only to later use them as a means of threats or blackmail. Choosing to share something privately does not give another person permission to share it further or use it to exploit you.

Creating fear and panic

One of the most dramatic shifts in sextortion happens when the person’s behaviour suddenly changes. Someone who seemed kind, supportive or romantic may quickly become threatening. They may reveal that they have saved your images or personal information and begin making demands. At this point, fear becomes their main tool.

You may be threatened with:

• Having images sent to friends or family
• Exposure at school, college or work
• Damage to their reputation
• Social isolation

These threats are designed to trigger panic. When people are frightened or overwhelmed, they often focus on stopping the immediate threat. This can make it difficult to consider other options or seek support, particularly when the person making the threats is demanding an immediate response.

Urgency: Why scammers want you to act quickly

Another common tactic is creating a sense of urgency. The person may demand that you act immediately.

They might say:

• “If you don’t respond now, I’ll send everything”
• “This is your last chance”

Urgency is a powerful psychological tool because it discourages people from seeking advice or taking time to think. When people are frightened and under pressure, their immediate priority may be to prevent the threatened harm. The goal is often to prevent them from:

• Talking to friends or family
• Reporting the account
• Contacting the Gardaí
• Seeking professional support
• Learning about their options

Creating pressure helps the person responsible to maintain control. Demands for immediate action, particularly when accompanied by threats, can be a deliberate tactic to prevent someone from seeking help or considering their options.

Why people sometimes comply with demands

People who have never experienced sextortion may wonder why someone would continue communicating or follow the offender’s instructions. The answer often lies in the psychological pressure being applied. The person may be experiencing:

• Fear of humiliation or judgment
• Panic about family or friends finding out
• Anxiety about their future or security
• Shock and confusion
• A desire to make the situation stop

Under intense stress, people often focus on finding immediate relief. Meeting someone’s demands does not guarantee that the threats will stop. In many cases, the person simply asks for more money, more images or more sexual favours. The problem is not caused by anything the person  did. It is caused by someone deliberately using manipulation and coercion to gain control.

Recognising manipulation and getting support

Recognising the tactics used in sextortion may help someone understand what is happening, but manipulation and coercion are not always easy to identify. If someone is threatening you:

• Stop engaging with the person where possible
• Avoid sending money or additional content
• Save evidence of messages and threats
• Block and report the account
• Report the person to the appropriate person or governing body such as the Teaching Council, the School Principal, or the Residential Tenancies Board
• Tell someone you trust
• Contact the Gardaí
• Contact Hotline.ie and Coimisiún na Meán if images have been shared online
• Reach out to support services for advice and emotional support

Remember that you do not have to handle the situation alone.

It can happen to anyone

Manipulation works because it targets normal human emotions. Trust, affection, curiosity, empathy and fear are all things that make us human. People who engage in sextortion deliberately exploit these emotions for their own benefit.

Experiencing sextortion does not mean you were naive, irresponsible or should have recognised what was happening. It means someone chose to abuse your trust, to manipulate, threaten or exploit you, and the responsibility for that behaviour lies entirely with them. Understanding how these tactics work can help challenge feelings of shame or self-blame and make it easier to seek support.

If you have been affected by sextortion, remember that help is available. What happened is not a reflection of your worth, and you deserve support, safety and understanding as you move forward.

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