How to recover from a friendship break-up

Going through the ending of a friendship can bring up all sorts of powerful emotions, from relief to anger and sadness. If you’re currently dealing with a “friendship break-up,” know that you’re not alone.

Friendship break-ups are more common than they might seem, especially as people grow, move, and change. Differences in values, interests, emotional needs, or life direction can all contribute to friendships drifting or ending, even without anyone doing anything “wrong.”

This article offers clear, strategies to help you cope with the end of a friendship. It explores common questions, including:

Why do friendships end?
Is it normal to grieve after a friendship breakup?
How can I manage difficult emotions after a friendship break-up?
What are some practical strategies for moving on?

What is a friendship?

As simple as this question might sound initially, it can be difficult to describe the qualities of a good friendship. Sometimes, knowing these can help when we are grieving or experiencing the loss of a friendship that might not have met our emotional needs. While people can seek different things from their friendships, most of us generally look for and benefit from friendships that are:

• Reciprocal, meaning you have a general sense of a shared connection that goes both ways instead of just one
• Associated with positive emotions, like feelings of closeness, respect, and enjoyment

Why do friendships end?

Growing apart

Some friendships don’t end in a clear or dramatic way; the connection simply fades over time. This tends to happen more frequently during early adulthood, when you might be meeting lots of people through things like work, college, and travelling to new places.

These gradual endings often happen without conflict or a conscious decision to part ways. Instead, the connection tends to weaken over time because neither person is investing much energy into maintaining it. It can be difficult to retain all of these new connections or friendships across your life, especially when you finish school or college, or move to a new area or country.

You might not have thought of these particular endings as friendship break-ups. That’s because they often happen quietly, with a degree of mutuality, and without much distress.

Reasons for growing apart

Often, it’s not about a lack of care; other things just get in the way. Life circumstances, shifting priorities, or changes in emotional availability can all affect someone’s ability to stay connected. Over time, those differences can lead to distance, even without any bad feelings.

Factors that may contribute to the gradual ending of a friendship include:

• Changes in life circumstances, such as moving to a new place, starting a new job, or changes in school or social circles
• Shifting priorities, like focusing more on family, work, or other relationships
• Emotional exhaustion or burnout, which can make it harder to invest energy in maintaining friendships
• Differences in communication styles or expectations about how often to stay in touch
• Growing apart due to different interests or values over time
• Physical distance or busy schedules that make it difficult to spend time together

It can be helpful to remember that sometimes, friendships that end naturally without difficult or hurt feelings can be picked up again later in life. You might find yourself working alongside an old friend, or moving back to the same neighbourhood as someone you used to know and hang out with. Growing apart can lead to the loss of a connection, but it can also lead to reconnection at another point.

Unresolved difficulties in the friendship

In some cases, external factors play less of a role, and one or both people deliberately take steps to end the friendship because of difficulties within the relationship itself. Although research shows that confrontation is relatively uncommon, most people tend to end friendships through more indirect strategies, such as:

• Distancing, which might involve meeting up or texting less often
• Compartmentalising, which means holding parts of yourself back from the other person because of a lack of trust or feeling unable to be fully open
• Avoiding or cutting off contact completely, which might include “ghosting” on social media or not responding to messages or calls

Different kinds of difficulties can lead someone to choose confronting, distancing, compartmentalising, or avoiding ways to end a friendship.

Friendship difficulties that might motivate someone to end a friendship include:

• Betrayal of trust, such as sharing secrets
• Repeated misunderstandings or conflicts that are not resolved
• Feeling unsupported or misunderstood during important moments
• Differences in values or beliefs that create tension
• One-sided effort, where one person feels they are always the one giving more
• Changes in how each person communicates or behaves, leading to discomfort or distance
• Experiencing hurtful behaviour, such as criticism, judgement, or exclusion
• Interference by a third party

Is it normal to grieve after a friendship break-up?

Our culture often associates grief with bereavement or the loss of a loved one. However, there are many other equally valid forms of loss which do not involve death and can cause grief. Grieving non-death losses, like the loss of a friend, can feel isolating because there are a lack of formal rituals and support groups to mark these kinds of endings. In many cases, a lack of recognition of your loss and the grief arising from it can make it difficult to access appropriate emotional or social support.

The grief resulting from losses like the endings of friendships, which are not recognised or acknowledged by society, is known as disenfranchised grief.

People may experience the sense of loss more or less strongly depending on other factors you might not immediately consider, like the number and quality of close relationships they have. While losing a close friend is always hard, your grief might feel more intense if you have fewer meaningful connections to turn to for support and connection.

Feeling socially isolated, lonely, or struggling with low self-esteem can also make the emotional impact of this kind of loss feel even heavier.

How can I manage difficult emotions after a friendship break-up?

Feeling sad, angry, numb, confused, or even experiencing a strong longing for the friend you’ve lost are all common signs of disenfranchised grief following a friendship break-up.

If the friendship ended because of difficulties between you, your experience of grief and the way you cope may vary depending on whether you were the one to initiate the break-up. Alongside sadness, you might also feel other emotions, like guilt, relief, or frustration, that can make processing your grief challenging.

Relief or a sense of empowerment

If you were the one to end the friendship, you are probably able to identify why, and that clarity can help you make sense of the grief you might be experiencing. Even when a friendship ends for good reasons, it is common to experience mixed emotions. Many people feel both a sense of relief and a sense of loss after stepping away from a friendship that was no longer working.

You might feel empowered by making a choice that protects your emotional wellbeing, especially if you’d felt distressed by unresolved challenges or if the other person’s core values felt incompatible with yours. But it is also natural to grieve the parts of the friendship that you might have valued. Even someone who hurt you may have had qualities that drew you to them in the first place, and those positive traits may still exist alongside the ones that caused harm.

Try to give yourself time and space to sit with the complexity of your feelings, including any possible sadness, relief, doubt, or guilt. When you are ready, remind yourself that choosing to let go of a friendship that no longer serves you can create space for new, more fulfilling connections in the future.

Guilt or regret

Coping with a friendship break-up can feel especially painful when you were not the one to end the friendship, and might not have chosen to end it at all, given the choice.

Sometimes the other person explains why they have stepped away, and their reasons may feel understandable. Other times, the reasons may be unclear, or the other person might not have directly communicated them. However the ending unfolded, it is important to be gentle with yourself as you process any painful or confusing emotions that arise, including:

• Anger or confusion if you’ve been held responsible for something you don’t believe was your fault
• Regret or guilt for knowingly hurting the other person, perhaps because of defence mechanisms or habits you developed over time
• Regret or guilt for unintentionally causing emotional pain
• Sadness at losing someone you still care about, even if they no longer feel the same connection

Reflecting on the reasons for ending

If the other person initiated the break-up, try to remind yourself that this does not mean there is something wrong with you. Friendships can end for all kinds of reasons, such as differences in values, interests, and levels of emotional maturity, and not all of these reasons involve wrongdoing.

If the other person did point to something you said or did as a reason for ending the friendship, it can be helpful to reflect on it. Ask yourself whether that behaviour might have been hurtful, and whether it is part of a recurring pattern. Try to approach this reflection with self-compassion rather than self-criticism. You might recognise behaviours or relationship dynamics you would like to change or avoid in future. Talking it through with a trusted adult, non-mutual friend, family member or an accredited counsellor or psychotherapist can also be helpful.

Throughout this process, it’s important to remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes. The fact that you’re willing to reflect and learn says a lot about your capacity for growth. Forgive yourself for any mistakes, whether real or imagined, and try to see what you have learned as a step toward stronger, healthier relationships in the future.

Confusion about why the friendship ended

You might feel angry, confused, or hurt if the friendship break-up happened suddenly or without explanation. When a friend doesn’t clearly communicate why they have chosen to end the friendship, it can make the grief process more difficult. That’s because it can be hard to process something you can’t make sense of.

Not understanding the reason for a break-up can lead to rumination or going over the situation repeatedly in your mind, trying to work out what went wrong. These kinds of repetitive or biased thought patterns are unlikely to lead to helpful insights. Instead, they tend to increase your level of emotional distress rather than helping you to process it.

There are plenty of alternative ways of managing the difficult emotions that can arise from not knowing. Psychologists and other mental health professionals often refer to healthy ways of managing your emotions as positive emotion regulation strategies. You can learn more about how to practise these in our article on regulating your emotions.

An emotion regulation strategy that can be particularly useful in situations where you lack a clear explanation or sense of closure is cultivating an attitude of acceptance. Acceptance is not about giving up or becoming resigned to the situation in a defeated way. Rather, acceptance means acknowledging the uncertainty and not-knowing, and choosing not to let that uncertainty prevent you from processing any difficult emotions in a healthy way. This can be a way of making peace with what has happened so you can begin to heal and move on.

What are some practical strategies for moving on?

Healing from a friendship break-up involves finding self-compassionate ways to process and move through distress, without behaving in destructive ways towards yourself or others.

Practical strategies for coping after a friendship break-up might look like:

• Setting boundaries between you and the other person by adjusting your social media settings if the relationship ended badly
• Strengthening existing friendships or reaching out to other friends for support
• Reframing the situation, or reminding yourself that the friendship break-up may have been due to changes in interests or circumstances, not a personal failing
• Practising self-compassion
• Prioritising self-care by engaging in meaningful activities and hobbies, eating well, and moving your body regularly
• Acknowledging how you feel and giving yourself permission to grieve the loss
• Expressing your emotions through journalling, art, music, or dance
• Reflecting on what you value and need from a friendship moving forward
• Seeking support from a trusted adult or an accredited counsellor or psychotherapist

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