How to practise self-compassion

Research shows that higher levels of self-compassion are linked with lower anxiety and depression. Self-compassion is a practice you can use regardless of your current physical or mental health. Whether you’re aiming to maintain your overall well-being or reduce psychological distress from a stressful event or ongoing mental health condition, practising self-compassion can be highly beneficial.

Even though self-compassion has many benefits, it can be challenging to practise regularly. This is especially true for those who have limited time, are new to the practice, or don’t know where to begin. You might worry that being kind to yourself could hurt your motivation or success.

What is self-compassion?

Although self-compassion has become a popular concept, there is often confusion about what self-compassion means, and how it is different from related concepts, like self-care, self-love, self-kindness, and mindfulness. While people define self-compassion in slightly different ways, self-compassion can be broadly understood as the commitment to care for yourself during difficult times. Having self-compassion also usually involves responding to the distress of yourself and others with empathy and encouragement rather than avoidance.

Mistaken beliefs about self-compassion

Some people have negative views about self-compassion because of mistaken beliefs that can make self-compassion seem less appealing. One mistaken belief is that self-compassion is about being overly kind to yourself at the expense of staying motivated and continuing to achieve your goals. Research reveals that one of the main barriers to practising self-compassion is the mistaken belief that self-criticism is necessary for motivation and success, and that practising self-compassion leads to laziness.

However, it is possible to achieve your goals without harsh self-criticism. Self-compassion can help us to be more empathetic towards ourselves, giving us the clarity we need to understand the nature of our problems and recognise the choices we might make to ease these problems.

The difference between self-compassion and self-kindness

If you’re struggling to motivate yourself to practise self-compassion, it can help to learn the difference between self-kindness and self-compassion. While self-kindness involves speaking gently and warmly to yourself, self-compassion has many different ingredients. These ingredients includes:

• Actively caring about your own distress and responding to it with warmth
• Recognising that others also go through difficult times, and that you’re not alone but connected to others through shared struggles
• Acknowledging your pain rather than avoiding or exaggerating it. This involves turning mindfully towards your pain or distress without getting too caught up or over-identified with negative thoughts and feelings (You are more than your negative thoughts and feelings in any given moment)

Self-compassion goes beyond just being kind to yourself. It includes practical steps like:

• Acknowledging difficult emotions and pain
• Reflecting on these emotions to make sense of them
• Choosing a helpful, non-harmful response

By doing this, you can avoid unintentionally increasing your pain in response to difficult situations or change. Choosing harmful coping mechanisms like avoidance or substance misuse to numb pain may help you to cope in the short term, but is likely to increase your distress in the long term. Viewing self-compassion as the courage to face your struggles and the wisdom to respond appropriately without harming yourself can help you act in ways that truly support your well-being.

What are some of the reasons to practise self-compassion?

Practising self-compassion can offer a range of benefits. Below are some of the potential advantages of developing a self-compassion practice:

• Increases self-acceptance: Over time, self-compassion can reduce the number of harsh judgments we make about ourselves and help to bring about a greater sense of self-acceptance
• Reduces overthinking: By being more attuned to yourself, you may become less vulnerable to overthinking and reduce your tendency to dwell on negative thoughts
• Reduces symptoms of anxiety and low mood: Regular self-compassion practice can relieve feelings of anxiety and depression, helping to improve your overall emotional well-being
• Builds resilience: Self-compassion strengthens your ability to cope with challenges and setbacks, making it easier to bounce back from stressful situations
• Promotes physical health: Self-compassion is linked to improved physical wellbeing and may encourage an increase in self-care behaviours, such as getting enough sleep, eating well, and exercising regularly. You are more likely to take care of yourself during challenging times when you value your own well-being
• Improves relationships: Many of the skills learned in practising self-compassion also apply to our relationships with others. When you treat yourself with compassion, it becomes easier to extend that compassion to others, leading to healthier and more positive relationships

What are some of the common barriers to practising self-compassion?

When first introduced to the concept of self-compassion, some people can feel reluctant to practise it for a variety of reasons. Here are some of the common barriers people face in the early stages of trying to practise self-compassion:

• Fear of losing motivation: Some feel that being compassionate towards themselves will make them “lazy”, worrying that without self-criticism, they won’t be motivated to get things done. However, practising self-compassion is unlikely to lead to laziness or loss of motivation
• Fear of becoming less successful: Many individuals fear that becoming less self-critical (and more self-compassionate) will lead to decreased performance at school, work or other core areas of their life. They believe that self-criticism is necessary to push themselves toward goals and achievements
• Fear of being ‘weak’ or ‘self-indulgent’: Some people may feel pressure from their cultural or social environment, where self-compassion is not valued or is misunderstood, making it harder to practice. Self-compassion may be seen as a sign of weakness or something that makes a person look less capable or tough compared to those who seem to get by without it
• Difficult to practise in distress: During moments of intense anxiety or low mood, shifting from self-criticism to self-compassion can feel almost impossible, requiring a mindset shift that might seem challenging to achieve in those moments
• Lack of familiarity: For some, self-compassion might feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable because they haven’t been taught or encouraged to treat themselves less critically, making it difficult to know where to start

While these barriers may seem challenging at first, they can stem from mistaken beliefs about what self-compassion is. By learning more about the ingredients of self-compassion and its many benefits, you may begin to feel more curious about the practice and motivated to give it a try.

How to practise self-compassion

One size does not fit all, so you may benefit more from practising self-compassion if you choose an approach that fits your individual needs and cultural background. Generally, there are two main approaches to self-compassion:

• Mindful Self-Compassion Techniques: Incorporating mindfulness-based practices, this approach encourages tuning into your emotions, taking a more balanced, less critical view of yourself, and recognising that you’re not alone in facing challenges
• Compassion Focused Therapy: This approach teaches people to develop the courage to confront distressing life events and learn more adaptive, kinder ways of responding to them

A recent study involving young people aged 14-24 found that many prefer self-compassion practices aimed at reducing self-criticism, rather than just increasing self-kindness. Self-criticism often involves harsh or disparaging thoughts like “I’m a failure” or “I’m not good enough.”

If you are interested in finding a psychotherapist or other qualified mental health professional with experience of compassion-focused therapies, visit our factsheet on how to access private counselling or psychotherapy. If cost is a barrier, it is also possible to learn to practise self-compassion on your own. Resources like those provided by Positive Psychology may be helpful. You can find tips below on how to challenge your self-critical voice and gain greater self-awareness, both key to developing self-compassion.

Strategies for challenging your self-critic

• Identify and notice the critic: Begin to recognise when your self-critical voice appears. This can help prevent you from over identifying with this critical voice, as you learn to see it as just one perspective, not the truth
• Question the critic’s accuracy: Challenge self-critical thoughts by asking, “Is this really true?” or “Where’s the evidence for this belief?” Often, self-criticism is based on exaggerations or unhelpful assumptions
• Speak to yourself kindly: Respond to your inner critic as if you were speaking with a friend. For example, you might say something like, “It’s okay to feel disappointed, but this doesn’t define my worth.” Alternatively, you might write a self-compassion letter, taking the time to write to acknowledge what you’re feeling and why. In doing so, remember that addressing yourself compassionately is not the same as adopting a self-pitying perspective or sugar-coating things, but involves moving towards a more balanced, realistic view of yourself and the situation

Strategies for becoming more self-aware

• Become mindful of social comparisons: Comparing ourselves to others is a natural part of being human and can even be helpful when it highlights the good things about ourselves. However, try to pay attention to how you’re comparing yourself. Upward social comparisons (comparing yourself to someone you think is doing better than you) can make self-criticism worse. Instead, focus on your own progress and growth. Doing so is more helpful than trying to live up to unrealistic standards set by others or by your inner critic
• Be mindful of what you’re feeling: Begin to acknowledge your feelings and experiences without judgement. Instead of criticising yourself for feeling a certain way, try to become curious about what a certain feeling might mean
• Reflect before you act: Noticing and reflecting on your feelings can help you make sense of what you’re experiencing. This understanding may, in turn, help you to confront the cause of your distress. This is often more beneficial than avoiding it or turning towards harmful coping mechanisms. Experiencing difficult emotions from time to time is inevitable. However, being able to distinguish between harmful and non-harmful coping mechanisms can minimise unnecessary pain
• Consider the bigger picture: Remind yourself that everyone faces challenges and makes mistakes. This perspective helps to reduce the intensity of your self-criticism by normalising your experiences as part of being human

Learning to practise self-compassion is not always easy. However, with regular practice, it can make a real difference to the quality of your life.

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