Supporting a child in your life through death and grief

When someone close to a child dies, understanding how their age shapes what they need can make a real difference to how they cope, both now and in years to come.

How do you explain death to a child?

When explaining a death to a child in your life, it can help to be concrete by using clear statements like “their heart has stopped beating, and they no longer feel pain”. Depending on your own beliefs, you might talk about a soul or spirit going somewhere else. Children often already have their own ideas about what happens after death, so it is worth asking what they think.

Even when a child has been well prepared, they may still be shocked when the death actually happens. Knowing something is going to happen is very different from living through it.

Including children after a death

Children need to know what will happen next. They don’t need to be protected from something that may be viewed as being too big for them to handle. Being included in the rituals around death and the funeral tends to support them.

How they find out

If a child isn’t present when the death happens, think about when and how they will be told, as well as who will be the person to tell them. A younger child might not need to be woken to hear the news immediately, while a teenager may want and expect to be told as soon as possible.

Seeing the person who has died

Explain clearly what will happen: who will be there, what a coffin is, and what the person might look like.

Give children the chance to be in the funeral home or house if they want to, but understand it may take some children time to feel ready to see the person laid out. Some children choose not to see them at all, and that is okay too. Simply being around family is still supportive. Children may also want to leave a note or drawing with the person.

Going to the funeral

Funerals give families the chance to say goodbye together and celebrate a life. Including children, even very young children, tends to help them feel a part of what is happening and gives them the chance to say their own goodbye. It also matters for the future because children who don’t get the chance to attend a close relative’s funeral sometimes struggle with or resent this later on.

Talk to the child beforehand about what will happen, and listen to their fears. Let them know it is normal for everyone, including adults, to feel sad and upset. Children can also take part directly in the funeral if they want by carrying something that represents the person or reading a poem or a few words.

It’s normal for children to find it hard to sit still or to become upset during a funeral, so having someone dedicated to caring for them on the day can free you up to be present for what’s happening.

What to say at different ages

Under 6s

Children this age often don’t yet understand that death is permanent. They may see it as temporary or like something in a cartoon. However, they can still pick up on changes and strong emotions around them and need reassurance that they aren’t the cause of the upset. It helps to use simple, consistent language like “Granny is sad because Uncle Sam is very sick” and to repeat explanations as needed. Reassure them they’re loved and will be cared for. Offering comforts like hugs, attention, favourite toys and stable routines all help.

6–12 year olds

Children this age usually understand more about illness and the permanence of death, but can still struggle to manage their emotions and may ask very direct or blunt questions. They may start worrying that other people close to them could die too or become anxious about their own health or a parent’s health. Answer as honestly and clearly as you can, and if you don’t know something, tell them you’ll find out.

Children this age can sometimes engage in “magical thinking” where they believe that something they thought or did caused the illness or death. It’s important to reassure them clearly that nothing they thought or did was responsible.

Watch out for changes in eating, sleep, schoolwork, or friendships which can be a sign a child needs more support. They may also feel isolated if none of their friends have been through something similar.

Teenagers

Teenagers can grasp the seriousness of an illness or death and may want to talk about its longer-term impact. Include them in family conversations about what is changing, and give them information about practical questions like who will look after them and what will happen next.

Teenagers can understand more than they’re able to manage emotionally, so strong reactions like anger, withdrawal, or silence are all common. They might direct anger at people close to them, including the person who died and then feel guilty for reacting that way. Give them space, while making it clear that you are there when they’re ready to talk. Respect their need for privacy alongside your support.

It helps to explain that talking about feelings is a genuinely useful way of coping, and to encourage both family time and time with friends, alongside exercise, food, and sleep. Teenagers often move in and out of family life at different times, especially when someone is unwell. They may take on more responsibility by helping with caring duties or minding younger siblings. Try to help them find a balance between these responsibilities and time to just be a teenager with their friends.

Ongoing support

After a death, children and young people tend to grieve in waves just like adults. They may be doing okay one day, and struggling the next. This is completely normal. Keep checking in with open questions like “How are you feeling today?”, and let the child lead on whether they want to talk or be quiet.

Letting teachers and other caregivers know what has happened means they can support the child or young person too. It can also help to look into books, videos, support groups, or professionals who specialise in child grief.

If you or a young person needs support, St. Francis Hospice publishes two free books:

• Always in My Heart for children aged 9–12
• Finding Your Way Through Grief  for teenagers and young adults

Other supports available in Ireland:

• Text About It is a free, anonymous, 24/7 messaging service providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support for your mental health and emotional well-being
• Pieta offer support around suicidal thoughts and self-harm: Call 1800 247 247
• Your local hospice’s bereavement or social work team may also be able to provide support

This factsheet was developed from the book, Something Has Changed: Helping a Child Cope With Illness and Dying, published by St. Francis Hospice Dublin.