My distressing experience of mental health inpatient services

TW // This piece contains descriptions of mental health illness and hospitalisation. While this is one person’s experience, everyone’s journey is different. Read about other people’s experiences of mental health inpatient treatment and access advice on getting mental health treatment. Please mind yourself if you choose to read and reach out for support should you need it.

I grew up a happy, supported child and I liked primary school. My family life was stable and secure and I have lots of nice memories from my childhood.

However, when I went to secondary school, my life started to crumble apart. I started to deal with serious anxiety in the first 2 years of secondary school. Those feelings later turned to depression and I became very sad and low.

Coping with mental health challenges in secondary school

I had a close family bereavement and also dealt with significant bullying and social exclusion in school. Life became really hard and I found myself stressed and in tears every evening in 3rd year. In my junior certificate years, I dealt with it by distracting myself a lot with school work and extracurricular activities. With the support of my parents, I tried going to some therapists but I didn’t find myself getting taken seriously, and my mental state worsened.

At the start of transition year, I was burnt out by the stress of the junior certificate, and I was very sad about how excluded and mistreated I was in my school environment. I was very depressed.

The road to CAMHS and inpatient treatment

My mum took me to my GP again, who then referred me to my local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS). They ended up seeing me straight away and were very worried by what they saw. After initially trialling me on some mental health medication, the psychiatrist decided to refer me to a CAMHS inpatient unit for a stay there. I found the idea of this really distressing, but I didn’t feel I could argue if they thought it was best for me.

The next week on a Friday, I got admitted to a unit a long way from home, I said goodbye to my parents and I got taken in by the new team. I hoped for the best.

My experience inside CAMHS

My experience over the few months of my admission was more than upsetting. I disliked the environment, I felt trapped and ignored, I didn’t have a good experience with the healthcare team there and I fell deeper and deeper into a depressed, distressed and anxious state.

I was being trialled on lots of different medicines with very little follow-through from doctors. The multidisciplinary team changed multiple times throughout my admission and I had to explain my story and symptoms from the beginning over and over.

The side effects of the medications were often draining, but I had to physically stand at the staff room door, waiting to try to ask a doctor when I would next be seen for a review of my care. The building was quite run down, and the service was understaffed, yet there seemed to be no sense of urgency to address the needs of the critically unwell children and adolescents that were there.

Dealing with limited resources and support

There were no activities organised, we watched the same TV show ‘The Chase’ for months. There was an empty and inactive art room and kitchen with baking equipment that was left locked. We sat together in the cold canteen at meal times, with multiple patient’s tears dripping into their food, and the rest of us were silent.

There was a rule that you couldn’t talk about your illness or your care with any patients on the ward, and with none of us living normal lives, we struggled to find anything to talk about. The environment on the ward was hostile, tense and draining. I used to cry in my bedroom on my own. I had no hope for my life. I was locked into a ward a long way from home and I couldn’t have felt more sad and lonely every minute.

The actions of other very unwell patients were distressing to witness, alarms went off many times a day and there were many physical altercations between staff and patients that we all had to endure.

The weeks ticked by, I was away from school longer and longer and I was only feeling worse. I had 3 sessions with a psychologist during the whole stay and very little other support was offered to me. They eventually decided to discharge me back to my local mental health service. I left that service as a more distressed, angry, vulnerable and unwell young teenager than I ever could have expected.

Life after CAHMS

For over a year after my discharge, I thought of nothing but that hospital, the horrible days I’d had there and the bad memories from it. Regular flashbacks consumed my days. I was so angry and sad that I’d had to have such a horrible and damaging experience there. Angry that I came out with nothing but a worse mental state than I’d arrived with.

Unfortunately, the bullying in school only worsened for me and I found myself unable to cope with Leaving Certificate work. I scraped by and my academic performance was nothing of what it was, or what it could have been if I was mentally well. I gained a lot of weight and I felt dead inside.

When all I could see were other students from school out making new friends, exploring romantic relationships, having fun out at night, and excelling at sports and activities- I was often at home in a bad mental state or I often wandered around my local town alone. I didn’t experience anything close to joy for a very long time.

For years after the hospitalisation, I felt like I was the only one in the world who had had such a bad experience in a mental health hospital. I felt guilty criticising healthcare workers when many of them were doing their best in a faulty system. I searched online for years for information or articles about anyone who might have had a similar experience and I couldn’t find anything.

Finding healing and hope after hospitalisation

Writing this article makes me feel guilty because I do not want to put anyone off seeking help for fear that they too might be admitted and have a bad experience like mine. I do not want to add to misinformation or stigma about psychiatric units and I do believe that some inpatient units in Ireland could be good places where people have positive experiences and are treated well.

I have felt so alone for years about this experience so I am publishing this article that would have helped my past self when I was reeling from the trauma and distress of my damaging experience in the CAMHS inpatient unit. I don’t have the courage at the moment to put my name to it but maybe in the future.

All I can do is remind myself that what I experienced is real but that it is over now.

I am stronger because of, and despite, the trauma that was the ordeal of that hospitalisation. I think of what happened every week but I count my blessings that I don’t think of it every day or every minute like I used to.

It is 6 years ago and I still experience flashbacks, where I temporarily think I’m there again and it often takes hours to feel better and grounded again. The suffering did not end for years but I did eventually find joy, friendship and happiness again. There was light at the end of the tunnel for me and I found a life where trauma does not overpower me anymore.

It is possible for you too.

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