The silent heartbreak of friendship loss

Last year, I experienced one of the most difficult friendship breakups when a relationship I had cherished since childhood unravelled. Losing that friend felt like losing a part of myself. Nothing could have prepared me for going from friends to strangers. 

A friendship that felt like forever

We had been friends since we went to creche together. I look back on the pictures of us together and smile knowing that day one of creche was the beginning of our friendship. How blessed I was to have been chosen to be her friend, I had gained a non-biological sister. 

Our friendship saw our creche graduation, primary school graduation and secondary school graduation, we even did transition year together. We went to different universities but that never hindered our friendship. Every Christmas or birthday we had a tradition of writing each other letters, they were little reminders that we were always there for each other even with distance.

How friendship loss happens gradually

But as we got older, something changed. At first, it was subtle. Replies were delayed, and conversations were shorter.  Little did I know that this distance would continue to grow and become permanent. This permanent distance did not happen suddenly. It was gradual as each message was left longer and longer, the replies became shorter and other relationships were given priority.

With every month, the distance extended so much that messages became unanswered. A small disagreement took place. This was a misunderstanding that neither of us knew how to fix. This is the unfortunate side of friendship loss, knowing there was a possibility of recovering the friendship but accepting that some friendships can’t be salvaged is important. 

Social media: The modern goodbye

Although communication was needed, I was unfollowed and blocked on all social media platforms. That’s the modern-day way of ending a friendship, it’s permanent with the unfollow. All the potential of celebrating future milestones together were crushed in a matter of seconds… seconds it took to block and unfollow me on all social media platforms. 

Unfortunately, this cuts all communication off, so any chance of reuniting becomes less likely. Looking back, if I knew the last text I sent would be the last, I would resend my last text to her. It would say “I love you and will always support you. I’m sorry things ended the way they did.”

It’s difficult to understand how a person  I have known my entire life who was once so important, is now a stranger. It’s like our friendship never existed. 

Growing up I never thought about losing one of my closest friends. I thought friendships were forever and I would experience all life’s milestones together. I have learned this does not happen sometimes. Instead, I am grieving someone who’s still alive. 

Grieving someone who’s still alive

The one thing about friendship breakups that isn’t talked about a lot, is the grieving. I never thought I’d have to grieve for a friend who is still alive. Certain things still remind me of her, bringing back good memories of our friendship. We live in the same town and housing estate, which has constant reminders of her. We also have a mutual friend which has made the grief more difficult. 

Sometimes, I think this happened for a reason. But I have moments when I miss her, especially on birthdays or during Christmas. I find myself wanting to text her, but I know I can’t do that. 

Either way, I’m learning that some friendships, like some love stories, don’t get a happy ending or closure.

Not all friendships last forever, but they all shape who we become. And sometimes, closure isn’t given, it’s something we create for ourselves.

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