The ultimate guide to feeling lonely even when you’re surrounded by friends

Shared experiences are what human connection is built on. Finding just one thing in common can start conversations, spark friendships, or even form lasting relationships.

We all thrive on shared experiences and love to talk about them. But there’s one experience that’s common to everyone, yet hard to discuss: loneliness.

There’s a lot of confusion between feeling lonely and being alone. You can feel lonely even in a room full of family and friends. Loneliness isn’t about being physically alone; it’s about feeling emotionally disconnected.

This is why loneliness is so hard to talk about. Telling someone you feel lonely, even if they’re always with you, can often feel impossible.

The fear of hurting others

When I feel lonely, I usually don’t tell people close to me. I’m afraid they’ll feel like they’re not enough or that I don’t appreciate them—which couldn’t be further from the truth.  On top of that, I sometimes feel guilty. I know I’m lucky to have such a great network of people who care about me, so when I feel lonely, I feel ashamed.

This guilt, the fear of hurting others, and the worry of seeming ungrateful are the reasons I—and many others—struggle to talk about loneliness.

I wish there were an easy fix—a way to snap my fingers and suddenly be open about it—but there isn’t.

Knowing you’re not alone in feeling lonely

What helps me is realising that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Loneliness isn’t unique to me—millions of people feel it too. Knowing this brings me comfort.

Loneliness comes and goes, and thankfully, it doesn’t stay forever. But when it does, it can be pretty overwhelming.

Why loneliness often follows happiness

I often feel lonely after some of my happiest days. Once the excitement dies down, I’m left with just myself, and sometimes, that’s when the emptiness hits.

For example, after one of the best weeks of my life—a week filled with family events and celebrations, festivals and Debs—I was suddenly hit with loneliness. The shift from being surrounded by people I love to being alone was hard.

After that week was over, and I had the first day in over a week where I spent the majority of time by myself I felt a profound emptiness. That week reminded me how much I loved my friends and family. The love I hold for them is so much stronger than the love I hold for myself, and I didn’t like having the time to wallow in that.

The fear of losing loved ones

Something I’ve learned about myself is that I need constant social interaction to be happy. When I’m alone, I sometimes doubt my ability to be happy by myself, without having others there to rely on.

This fear of being alone makes me feel jealous at times (more times than I’m willing to admit), especially when my friends make new ones. I’m scared they’ll have less time for me, and I’ll be left feeling lonely again, which frightens me greatly.

This was heightened when college began and new chapters began in my friends’ lives and their making new friends was expected. I’m afraid that when the people I love add new people to their lives they will have less time for me, thus I’ll spend more time alone and will struggle to find happiness by myself, and I’ll be left in a distressing, never-ending cycle.

I know that this isn’t my friend’s fault, rather it’s my own, with my tendencies to cling to the past, struggle with change, and desperately want everything to be the same, but I know that’s not realistic, and it shouldn’t be, part of the journey is the end.

Learning to find happiness in myself

I know I can’t solely rely on others to be my source of happiness—it’s simply not sustainable. I have to find it within myself somehow. I know I can overcome this challenge, however difficult it may be. I know I can learn to create my happiness, if I could have my way I would rely on my loved ones exclusively, but I know that’s not realistic, and that’s something I’ve painfully had to accept.

I’m working on discovering what makes me happy on my own. When I figure it out, I know I’ll be better at managing loneliness when it comes. The future won’t scare me as much anymore, and I’ll know deep down, despite my tendencies to cling to the past, that the best is simply yet to come.

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