How I maintain long-distance relationships and stay connected

Long-distance relationships have been a part of my life since I emigrated to Ireland when I was ten. Over the years, I have lost some friends, grown distant from family, and held on to a precious few using the lessons I learnt with time. 

When maintaining long-distance relationships, I recommend prioritising them, being flexible, and not being afraid to reach out first.

Being flexible keeps connections alive

One of my long-distance friends has a hectic and unpredictable schedule that rarely aligns with mine. When we were in school, we had a habit of calling every Friday or weekend since our schedules were predictable and consistent. 

When that slipped away because of college and work, we shifted gears and tried a lot of other things. We used to text often, but I’m personally not very good at replying, so our conversations grew sparse. Both of us preferred calls but were hesitant to ask the other about trying to organise a time, not wanting to interrupt each other’s busy schedules.

They are one of my best friends, and neither of us wanted to let our bond fade. So we kept trying new things, changing pace whenever our life’s circumstances changed. We no longer follow a set call schedule since it didn’t work for us. Instead, we text each other whenever we want to talk. 

I try to focus on calling them regularly rather than waiting for the perfect free day when we can chat for hours. There were weeks when neither of us had much free time, so we texted while commuting and made quick calls whenever possible. We also send each other Reels all the time, as the other can respond in their own time. Some people share calendars, send daily morning texts, or find their own routines to stay connected.

Different things work for different people. Having multiple ways to stay in contact helps because different methods serve different needs. My relationship wouldn’t be very close with my best friend if we only ever shared Instagram Reels, but I also wouldn’t be able to get regular updates on their interests and the fun things they like these days if we just called once a month.

Prioritising time together makes a difference

I try to make the most of whatever time I can get with my long-distance relationships. When they visit, we wake up earlier or have sleepovers to maximise our time together. Sometimes, we discuss beforehand what we want to do. We may decide we haven’t shared music in a while or find a new cake recipe we want to try together, and planning those activities makes the day extra special.

I also try to prioritise them when we’re long-distance. I want my long-distance friends and family to know they can call me anytime, even if it means adjusting my plans. If I’m stuck doing something unavoidable, I call them back as soon as I can.

Don’t be afraid to disturb their lives

One of the hardest things about long-distance relationships is that it’s easier for insecurity to set in. When a loved one has their job, friends, and commitments, I sometimes worry that reaching out might disrupt their life. It leads me to pull away from them, and it’s scarily easy to lose contact with a person if they aren’t around to hold you accountable for it.

However, more and more I have realised that my friends and family love me, and if they didn’t want to be around me they would have stopped putting in effort long before I did. Sometimes, they too are worried that they’re disturbing my life.

I don’t know an easy way to handle these doubts.  But I do know that love means sharing both joys and burdens. My best relationships are with people who take me grocery shopping with them, who slow down for me when I’m tired of walking, and who I can tell depressing things to without fearing that I’ll lose them by weighing them down.

I don’t want to let go of the people I love, and that means annoying them with random calls at midnight when I miss them, taking a costly flight to see them, packing our days together with all the experiences I don’t want to do alone, and hoping that they will reciprocate by sharing themselves with me.

Challenges of long-distance relationships

Despite my efforts, some relationships have faded for various reasons. If I wanted to become closer to someone, but then they or I moved away before I got the chance to get to know them, the relationship was much harder to maintain. There were loads of cool people who I didn’t stay friends with because of this.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, my relationships with my family have been some of the hardest to maintain. Before I emigrated, we were close, but distance slowly created a gap I didn’t notice at first. I often feel like we’ve become different people, and I’m not quite sure how to go about getting to know this new version of them. I worry about whether we’re holding onto who we used to be, and the doubts make me hesitant about contacting them sometimes.

Finding new ways to stay connected

Long-distance relationships come with challenges, no matter how much effort we put in. I can’t make up for all the hugs I’ve missed out on, all the times I could have had someone by my side wiping away my tears, going on long walks with me, singing with me. It’s hard, especially when the things my relationships were built on aren’t things that can be done long-distance. We had to find new things, and those old traditions fell by the wayside.

Still, they are proof of the love and commitment I share with my friends and family. If someone is important to me, I cherish any way we can stay connected, and I’m grateful for the many ways technology helps us do that.

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