How to tell someone you self harm

Opening up about self-harm for the first time can feel daunting.  If you chose to tell someone that you self harm you may be anxious about how they will react.

Making the decision to tell someone is a positive step, and it’s important to do it when the time feels right for you. Ideally, it is best to open up to someone who is in a position to support you, such as a parent/guardian, teacher, doctor or counsellor.

Below are some considerations to keep in mind when opening up to someone for the first time.

How to open up to someone about self harm

Try to be honest

If you want to tell someone about your self-harming, be prepared for them to ask questions, such as why you self-harm and how long you have been doing it. It can be difficult to find the right words to explain why you self-harm because you might not fully understand your reasons yet. Alternatively, you might know why you self-harm but prefer not to share those reasons to avoid upsetting the other person.

While it’s tough to see someone upset, it’s important to prioritise yourself and your needs. Being honest with the other person can help you work together to figure out the best next steps for you.

If you’re not comfortable sharing the reasons for self-harm right now, you can let the person know you’re not ready to talk about it yet but might be in the future.

Choosing how to tell someone you self harm

When you are ready to tell someone you self harm, choose to do it in a way that feels most comfortable to you. You might have different ways to communicate, such as talking face-to-face, over the phone, or through text.

Telling someone in person

If you decide to tell someone you self harm in person, choose a space where you feel safe and where there is less risk of being interrupted. You might find it helpful to figure out what you want to say beforehand and to remind yourself that you do not have to reveal any scars or injuries if you don’t want to.

Telling someone over text

If you want to tell someone you self-harm but don’t think you can find the words to say it in person, it is best to text someone you trust. Sending a text allows you to take your time choosing what you want to say and when you want to say it. 

When texting someone about self-harm, keep in mind that the person may not be available or in a place where they can respond immediately. To avoid the anxiety you might feel if there is a delay, consider asking the person if they have the time to talk before opening up to them about self-harm. By doing this, you will know if they are available to respond and won’t have to wait long for an answer.

If the person you texted does respond, be prepared for them to ask to meet face-to-face or call to speak further about what you’ve shared. If someone does not reply within the time frame that you had hoped, you may want to send them a text or a follow-up call. Having a second trusted person in mind can be helpful too, in case the first person you contact is unable to respond. 

Writing down what you want to tell someone

If you want to tell someone that you self-harm but don’t think you can say it out loud, writing it down is an equally valid way of expressing yourself. Writing down what you want to say can also be helpful if you plan to talk to your doctor about self-harming, as this will likely be a more formal conversation. Your doctor might ask you questions such as how you self-harm, where you self-harm, when you started, and what makes you want to self-harm. Writing down your answers to these questions beforehand may help you stay focused on what you want to say during the conversation if you feel upset or overwhelmed.

Opening up to someone you do not know

If you want to speak to someone about self harming but are not ready to speak about it to someone you know, there are other supports available that you can speak to. Charities such as Samaritans and Childline offer free support through messenger, text and over the phone. Pieta House also offer support to people who self harm or who are feeling suicidal.

If you are a young Traveller and would like to speak to a counsellor who specifically works with the Travelling Community, the Traveller Counselling Service can support you. The service works from a culturally inclusive framework which respects Traveller culture, identity, values and norms and works from a perspective of culture centred counselling and psychotherapy. They offer counselling both in person and online.

• Landline: 01 868 5761
• Mobile: 086 308 1476
• Email: [email protected]

It is important to remember that if the person you open up to doesn’t respond the way you had hoped, there are always other supports available to you.

Feeling overwhelmed or want to talk to someone right now?

• Get anonymous support 24/7 with our text message support service
• Connect with a trained volunteer who will listen to you, and help you to move forward feeling better
• Text SPUNOUT to 50808 to begin

Learn more about:

• The supports available for self harm
• Living with self harm scars

There are several different ways to reduce harm and find support for self harming. You may need to try a few different methods and supports until you find the one that works best for you. For information on self harm reducing and finding supports visit our Mental Health section.