What I gained from taking a break from drinking

My head throbbed as my friends shook me to get up and finally start my day at 4pm. The panic set in as I looked down and saw that I was still in my outfit from the night before. I started to remember some of what had happened and desperately started asking my friends to fill in my memory gaps. I found my phone on the ground on 1% and with 10 missed calls. This is what a typical morning after a night out looked like while I was drinking.

As someone who struggles with mental health issues such as anxiety, depression and symptoms of psychosis, drinking worsened my symptoms a lot of the time. I would convince myself that I would feel better if I had ‘a few drinks’. However, most of the time ‘a few drinks’ turned into far too many and I’d end up feeling worse in both the short and long-term.

The vicious cycle of drinking and mental health struggles

A typical night out for me when I was drinking involved a lot of anxiety, tears, money and blacking out. Not only was this awful for me, but my friends would have to take care of me.

Drinking made me forget my medication or, when I did take it, made me feel drowsy. Drinking made sleep difficult, leaving me restless and anxious the next day.

The day after drinking would often be a write off, I would cancel plans and not talk to anyone due to feeling so horrible. I would miss classes, barely eat and stay in bed all day. I’d spend hours torturing myself about whether I said or did something stupid the night before.

My friends told me they were worried about my relationship with alcohol, but initially, I was in denial. However, once I started drinking alone and during the day, I agreed that I needed help. Alcohol wasn’t the friend that I once thought it was; in fact, it had become my biggest enemy. Alcohol was worsening my problems rather than fixing them.

The positives I’ve gained from not drinking

Taking a complete break from drinking (with support from professionals) helped me to realise that my alcohol use was taking a toll on my body and mind. When I stopped drinking, my mental health treatment became more effective, and my mental health improved.

The drinking culture in Ireland, particularly among young people, made me feel as if not drinking would make me look ‘boring’. I feared that people would judge me and assume things about me. I soon realised that “I don’t want to” is a full answer and that I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

In the past, I’d either go out and drink excessively or I wouldn’t go out at all. I didn’t consider that there were other options, for example, still going out but not drinking as much or at all.

I thought that I wouldn’t be able to have fun on nights out without drinking but I was wrong. Some of my best nights out have been sober nights out as I could engage more in meaningful conversations, spend less money and feel more in control and safer.

How I learned to enjoy a sober night out

Socialising on nights out without the help of alcohol pushed me out of my comfort zone. I also started to re-engage in activities that didn’t involve alcohol that I had been neglecting such as team sports, going to the gym, work, attending college and volunteering.

My relationships with my friends and family improved when I stopped drinking; they worried less about me and trusted me more.

Another positive that I gained from not drinking was that my recovery from an eating disorder progressed. Although I was mostly recovered, if I knew I’d be drinking, I wouldn’t eat during the day as I thought this would get me drunk easier that night. After drinking, I would binge eat as I’d be so hungry from not eating throughout the day.

The following day, I’d feel bad about binging and the restrict/binge cycle would repeat itself. When I stopped drinking, I no longer felt the need to restrict food intake before nights out and so wouldn’t get as many urges to binge either.

What a typical night out looks like when I’m not drinking

A typical night out when I don’t drink looks very different. I have wholesome interactions, overshare way less and go home if I’m not enjoying it. I spend way less money and always remember to take my medication when I get home. I was so proud of myself when I went on a college night out without drinking for the first time.

My housemate did my full makeup and slicked back my hair – I would usually only wear mascara and have my hair down. That night, for the first time in a long time, I felt genuinely confident and happy in my skin, and it happened to be my first alcohol-free night out.

We met up with our other friends in a club and danced for hours without a care in the world (being this carefree was so unlike me). I didn’t cry or have a panic attack all night long.

When the club got really packed and I started to get a bit stressed, instead of responding to this in my usual way (doing shots), my housemate and I simply left and went to a quiet pub to chat. I didn’t feel like a burden on my friends, I was able to hold a coherent conversation, I could keep myself safe and my bank account was still intact by the end of the night.

I still struggle with my mental health sometimes on nights out, but not as regularly or to the same extent as before. In general, I enjoy myself more and I’m less overwhelmed, upset and anxious while not drinking. I get a better night’s sleep and wake up the next day not feeling like the world is closing in on me.

Why I’m happier and healthier without alcohol

I’m less anxious, happier, and financially better off. I wake up with funny, sweet memories instead of guilt and anxiety. I can function normally and get less brain fog.

To anyone struggling with alcohol and feeling like they’ll never be able to cope without it: I once felt the exact same, but I proved myself wrong. I know how hard it is to reach out for help, but I promise that you are not alone, people can help you and things can get better.

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