Is my sex drive normal?

Your sex drive, or libido, is your desire to be sexual and can include your sexual thoughts and fantasies, your desire to masturbate and have self-pleasure, and your desire to have sexual experiences with others. Everyone’s sex drive is unique to themselves and there is no certain level of desire or arousal that you should experience. Your sex drive can change with time and be impacted by many different things. It is personal to you, and no one should ever make you feel embarrassed or ashamed about your level of sexual desire or lack thereof. 

Understanding your sex drive 

How do I know if my sex drive is normal?

Everyone’s sex drive is different. There’s no “normal” amount you should want to have sex, everyone’s sexual desire and interest in sex is different, and it can change over time. Your sex drive can change based on things like stress, medicines you take and other physical, emotional, and individual factors. Some people want to have sex every day or more than once a day, while some people rarely or never want to have sex. Some people like to masturbate frequently and others may do it less often or not at all. Your sex drive can change from relationship to relationship or with different partners, and your sexual relationship with yourself can also be ever-changing. 

What does it mean to be asexual?

Asexual is the term used to describe people who feel little or no sexual attraction to anyone. There is a spectrum of asexuality, and some people who are asexual may experience some degree of sexual desire or choose to have sex, while others do not. Asexual people can date and have romantic relationships and feelings and the strength of those feelings varies from person to person. Having romantic feelings for someone does not automatically mean having sexual desire towards them also. Being asexual is a sexual identity like other types of sexuality such as gay, pansexual, straight or lesbian. There is nothing wrong with you for not feeling sexual attraction and many people identify as being asexual. Take a look at this short comic on being Asexual to help understand it better. 

I’m worried that my sex drive is too high

There is no “normal” amount to want to have sex and many different things can cause your sex drive to increase like being with a new sexual partner, an increase in hormones or a discovery of something you enjoy sexually. If you are worried about your sex drive being too high or feel your need to masturbate or have sex is getting in the way of your quality of life, this can be an extremely difficult experience. Speaking to a sexual health professional or therapist about how you are feeling can help to cope with these feelings, and offer advice on how to address the issue.

What can cause a low sex drive?

Your sex drive is unique to you and your sex drive can change over time. If you have noticed your sex drive has decreased there could be many different reasons for this and there are ways to help increase it if that is what you want. You may also have noticed a change in your sex drive, but are content for it to be that way, and this is completely okay too. 

If you have a low sex drive and it bothers or upsets you, there are lots of things you can do to help increase your sex drive if you want to.

You may have a low sex drive because: 

• You experience pain during sex 
• You have stress and/or anxiety 
• You are experiencing depression 
• You are living with grief 
• You have experienced sexual violence 
• You feel ashamed or feel a stigma about your sexual desires
• You feel unhappy in your relationship 
• You are experiencing issues with your partner 
• You are experiencing issues/difficulty with your gender and/or sexuality 
• You have experienced trauma 
• You are experiencing side effects from drugs and/or alcohol
• You are in a long-term relationship and have become overfamiliar with your partner
• You are not attracted to potential sex partners
• You have difficulty communicating in relation to sex

You can also experience a decreased sex drive because:

• You experience ejaculation problems
• You experience erectile dysfunction
• You experience vaginal dryness
• You experience difficulty to orgasm
• You experience involuntary tightening of the vagina (vaginismus)
• Due to tiredness or lack of sleep
• There has been a change in your hormones 
• You are experiencing side effects from medication 
• You are experiencing side effects from contraception 

How can I increase my sex drive?

If you would like to increase your sex drive you can:

• Try different types of sex to see if you can find something you enjoy 
• Try to be intimate and connect with your partners in other ways than having sex 
• Be kind to yourself and avoid putting pressure on yourself to feel a certain way
• Lessen your alcohol intake or avoid drinking alcohol altogether 
• Reduce or stop using drugs
• Speak to a sexual health professional about the contraception you are on to see if there is a better option for you 
• Speak to your partner about issues you may be having with the relationship 
• Speak to your GP about the medication you are taking to see if it could be impacting your sex drive 
• Speak to a therapist/counsellor or LGBTI+ support service about issues you may be having with your sexuality and/or gender 
• Speak to a therapist/counsellor about mental health issues you may be having
• Take care of your well-being by eating well, looking after your body and eating well 

My sex drive has changed and it is causing problems in my relationship 

For many people, sex is an important part of intimacy in a relationship. However, not everyone feels the same way about sex. Some people think it’s very important in a relationship, while in other relationships, sex is not important.  It is completely possible to be intimate with someone with or without sex.

It can be difficult when two people in a relationship have different sexual needs, but this is also quite common. It is also common for your sex drive to be higher at the beginning of a relationship and change over time and you are not alone in facing this issue with your partner. What’s going on in other areas of our lives can affect our sexual and romantic lives and can cause strain in our relationships in a number of ways. If your sex drive has changed, talking to your partner about what’s going on can help.

Sometimes if a partner is having difficulty with a change in your sexual relationship it may be because they miss being close, or feeling wanted, rather than the sex itself. Showing your partner that you care for them and want to be with them in other ways than having sex may help your partner feel better in the relationship. 

Sex also means different things to different people. What one couple considers sex is different to how another couple might feel, and some may choose not to have sex at all. Everyone is different, and if your sex drive has changed, this isn’t necessarily a bad thing.  All that really matters is that you find a dynamic that works for you and those you have sex with.

Accepting your sex drive 

If you are questioning your sex drive it is important to ask yourself if you think it should be a certain way because that is what you want, or is it because that is how society or someone else is making you feel? What is important to remember when having sex, is that the choice should be completely your own. If you are feeling pressured by someone to have sex or feel you should have sex because you are a certain age or because those around you are doing it, or to make your partner happy or a crush like you, these are not the right reasons.

Sex is something that should bring joy and happiness to your life. It should be something that you freely want to do and that you feel you can change your mind about at any time. Sex should be pleasurable and make you feel good about yourself, and although you may feel nervous about trying something new, you know for certain that it is what you want. Communicating to your partners about the type of sex life you are happy to have, can help create a sexual relationship that works for all involved.