Small ways to manage difficult feelings when coping with grief

Grief can bring a lot of intense and confusing emotions all at once, like anger, guilt, anxiety, and sadness. There’s no way to skip past these feelings, but there are things that can help you manage them so they feel less overwhelming.

How to manage anger when grieving

Feelings you push down don’t just disappear. They tend to leak out sideways, affecting you and your relationships. Picture trying to hold a beach ball under water: it takes a lot of energy, and eventually it’s going to spring up somewhere else, making a big splash. Allowing yourself to feel angry, and finding a healthy way to express it is an important part of coping.

If you know why you’re angry, maybe it’s about how a loved one’s medical care was handled, or a feeling that you should have done more- it can help to talk this through with someone you trust.

Sometimes just saying “I am so angry” out loud can soften the intensity a little. Other times you might need to talk through the whole story before the feeling eases.

Physical outlets can help too, such as:

• pounding a pillow
• going for a run
• playing sport
• writing a letter you don’t send
• yelling somewhere private

Feeling angry is normal. The aim is just to express it safely.

Dealing with guilt after a death

Guilt is extremely common in grief. You might feel you could have said or done something differently, or wish you’d known a particular goodbye was the last one. Guilt can also show up if you felt anger towards the person while they were alive, or if you felt a moment of relief when their suffering ended, followed by grief at their loss.

Some people feel guilty for not thinking about the person for a while. They can worry that this means they’re forgetting them. It doesn’t. Over time, most people find these intense feelings soften, and starting to feel better isn’t a betrayal of someone’s memory. If you’re carrying guilt about something that feels too hard to say out loud, try to find one person you trust to talk to, rather than keeping it bottled up.

A helpful way to picture it is to imagine grief as a ball inside a jar that represents your world. At first, the ball is huge and touches every side of the jar constantly. Over time, the ball doesn’t necessarily shrink, but your world grows bigger around it, so it bumps against the sides less often. You don’t “get over” grief or find neat closure. You learn to live with it, and it becomes part of who you are.

8 ways to manage anxiety when grieving

Anxiety is a very common response to loss. Grief can shake your sense of safety and control, which naturally triggers your body’s stress response. Having a few tools ready can make it easier to manage. Below are 8 techniques that can help you deal with anxiety as you experience it. It can help to try out different methods to find what suits you best.

1. The 5-4-3-2-1 technique

When anxious feelings run high, ground yourself in your senses:

• 5 – Name five things you can see
• 4 – Notice four things you can feel or touch
• 3 – Listen for three things you can hear
• 2 – Notice two things you can smell
• 1 – Think of one taste

2. The traffic light method for spiralling thoughts

• Red – Stop: Interrupt the anxious thought and notice or write it down
• Amber – Think: What is the actual evidence for this thought? Do you need to worry about it right now? Can you do anything about it?
• Green – Go: Focus on what needs your attention right now and let yourself set the rest aside for later

3. Slow breathing

Anxiety often makes breathing shallow or fast. Try breathing in slowly to a count of four, and out slowly to a count of five.

4. Find a grounding sentence

When you’re calm, come up with a short phrase for anxious moments. It can be something like “I’ve managed this before, and I’ll be okay now.” Practising it while calm makes it easier to reach for later.

5. Write it down

Putting worries on paper can make them feel less overwhelming, and sometimes helps you spot solutions. It can also help to separate what is in your control from what isn’t, and put your energy there instead.

6. Don’t avoid everything that feels hard

Avoiding painful people, places, or situations can bring short-term relief, but long-term it can make anxiety worse. Try confronting things gradually, for example, meeting one friend to start, or making a plan for the harder days.

7. Talk about it

Anxious thoughts often build up when something is left unsaid or when you have questions you need answered. Opening up to someone you trust is a genuinely important part of coping. If talking feels too hard, try writing your feelings down first.

8. Look after yourself day to day

Grief and anxiety can make basic self-care harder, but things like exercise and sleep all help you cope. Build a self-care kit for harder days: a playlist that lifts your mood, a scent you like, a journal, or a list of people who love you.

Other things that help can be:

• Spending time with people you feel comfortable around
• Exercise
• Keeping something that belonged to the person who died
• Making a shared playlist
• Talking to others who have been through something similar
• Trying an app like Calm or Headspace
• Asking for help from someone at home, school, or your GP

When you need more support

If self-blame, anger, sadness, or anxiety aren’t easing, or if you’re struggling to function day to day, reach out for extra support. Contact your GP if you are using alcohol or drugs to cope, self-harming, or having thoughts of suicide.

• Pieta: Call 1800 247 247, or text HELP to 51444
• Text About It is a free, anonymous, 24/7 messaging service providing everything from a calming chat to immediate support for your mental health and emotional well-being.
• Your local hospice’s bereavement or social work team may be able to provide support

This factsheet draws on Finding Your Way Through Grief, developed by the social work team at St. Francis Hospice Dublin with bereaved teenagers.