9 things to know before having sex

Having sex can be an exciting and enjoyable experience, but it may also be something you feel nervous about. Whether you are considering having sex for the first time or having it with a new partner, you may be feeling a range of different ways. What is important to remember when considering having sex, is that the choice should be completely your own. If you are feeling pressured by someone to have sex, or feel you should have sex because you are a certain age, have been seeing someone for a while, or because those around you are doing it, these are not the right reasons.

Sex is something that should bring joy and happiness to your life and can be enjoyed by people of all different sexualities, genders and identities. It should be something that you freely want to do and that you feel you can change your mind about at any time. Sex should be pleasurable and make you feel good about yourself, and although you may feel nervous about trying something new, you know for certain that it is what you want. 

9 things to know before having sex 

1. Whether or not you have sex is your choice

Having sex may be something that feels very important to you, or it could be something that you feel more casually about or have little or no interest in at all. Sometimes people can attach stigma to both having and not having sex, but that choice is completely yours to make. A person’s worth or value is not attached to their sex life and you do not have to feel embarrassed or ashamed for having sexual desire. Similarly, if you are not interested in having sex or are choosing not to have sex right now that is completely okay. Having sex does not give one person value over another and only you can know if and when you are ready to have sex. If you do not want to have sex this is nothing to feel embarrassed about. Your sex life is a private matter and you do not have to explain or justify it to anyone else. 

The age of sexual consent in Ireland is 17, which means that you cannot legally have sex until that age. Once over the age of 17, when and how you chose to have sex is between you and your partners. You do not need to justify your sex life to anyone else and it is important not to pass judgement on anyone else because of their’s.

2. Consent must be ongoing in all sexual experiences

Before you have sex, it is really important to understand how to practice consent in sexual situations. When having sex, consent is an agreement between everyone involved that they definitely want to have sex, or do any sexual act. Practising consent during sex means understanding that just because someone has agreed to one thing, that does not mean they have agreed to another. For example, someone may agree that they want oral sex, but this does not mean that they are agreeing to have penetrative sex. For any sexual activity, consent must be ongoing, mutual between all those involved and freely given at all times. If someone feels pressured or obligated to do any sexual act, they have not consented. Find out more about the meaning of consent and how to practice it. 

3. Listening to your body can help increase pleasure 

When having sex, taking things slowly and listening to the cues your body gives you can help make sex more pleasurable. Having sex is an experience that should be enjoyable, and if you are experiencing pain when having sex it can be a way of your body telling you that something isn’t quite right. Sometimes experiencing pain can be a sign that your body was not ready to be touched or penetrated in a certain way, and using lube, trying something else, another position, or having oral sex can be ways to stop sex from hurting. Communicate with your partner and let them know what feels good as it happens to help create enjoyable sexual experiences together. 

At other times experiencing pain may be due to a medical condition, having an injury or infection, or from trauma. In this case, speaking to a doctor about what is causing you pain can be a way to get support and find a solution to the problem. Stress and other pressures in your life may also cause you not to enjoy sex, and this is a completely normal experience. If you are finding sex difficult to enjoy it is always okay to stop.

4. It can take time to discover what you like 

It can take time to discover what you enjoy sexually, and what you enjoy can change with time and experience. Masturbation can be a great way to discover what you like before deciding to have sex with someone else. When having sex, letting your partners know when something feels good can help them to learn what you like and how you can create a pleasurable experience together. Listening to your partners when they tell you their likes and dislikes is also extremely important. Having pleasurable sexual experiences or reaching orgasm can take time and practice, and having an orgasm does not have to be the purpose of sex. By taking things slowly and communicating with those you have sex with, you can build pleasurable sexual experiences together. Remember, what works for someone sexually is different for every person, and you don’t need to base your sex life off of anyone else’s.

5. There are many different types of sex 

When thinking about having sex for the first time or with someone new, a question you might want to ask yourself is “how do you define sex?” Previously in Ireland, sex education has often focused on sex being penetrative, where a penis is put into a vagina, but this is only one type of sex. Having sex includes oral sex, anal sex, sex using your hands and vaginal sex. Sex can be mutual masturbation, sexual rubbing or whatever you experience sexual pleasure from. Sex can be between people of different genders, sexualities and abilities and you do not have to have a certain type of sex due to your sexuality or gender. For example, just because you are a gay man does not mean you have to have anal sex. Moving beyond defining sex as penetrative can allow you to discover lots of different ways you enjoy connecting with others and experiencing pleasure.  

6. Everyone’s genitals are different 

Your genitals are your sex/reproductive organs outside of the body, such as the vulva including the clitoris and labia, the penis and the scrotum (ball sack). Everyone’s genitals look different and there is no one way that they are meant to look. Genitals can be all different shapes, sizes and colours. If you are intersex you may have genitals that seem to be in-between that of a penis or vulva. For example, you may have a noticeably large clitoris or lack a vaginal opening, or a notably small penis, or with a scrotum that is divided so that it has formed more like labia.

If you are thinking about having sex for the first time it is important to make sure your genitals are clean. However, it’s best not to use harsh soap directly on the genitals as this can irritate them and cause thrush. It is best to clean them with warm water, or a soap that is gentle on the skin. 

7. Pubic hair is normal 

Pubic hair is hair that grows around your genitals such as on your labia and scrotum, your pubic bone, your upper legs and anus. Similarly to your head hair, the thickness and colour of your pubic hair are individual to you. Where your pubic hair grows on your body is also different from person to person. The purpose of pubic hair is to reduce friction on your genitals, and it is completely up to you how you like your pubic hair to look. Some people like to keep their hair and others like to remove it by shaving or waxing or trimming it. Removing pubic hair can cause irritation to the skin and ingrown hairs, so it is important that if you want to remove your pubic hair you research the safest ways to do so, and look after your skin as the hair begins to grow back. There is no right or wrong amount of pubic hair to have and no one should ever pressure you to have your pubic hair a certain way. 

8. You can protect your sexual health 

There are numerous options available to you to help look after your sexual health. Contraception, emergency contraception, condoms, dental dams, free STI check-ups and home testing, STI treatments, HIV preventative medication, rapid HIV testing, and abortion are all available in Ireland. Many of these options are currently available for free to gay and bisexual men, and men who have sex with men. From August 2022, contraception will be provided for free to all people who can get pregnant between the ages of 17-25. Free condoms and lube are also available through sexual health clinics and student’s unions (SU) around the country. Regardless of the type of sex you choose to have, there are options available to you to help reduce your chances of experiencing an STI, HIV or unplanned pregnancy. Making use of these options can help you to have pleasurable sexual experiences while protecting yourself and those you have sex with. 

9. Sex can never be 100% safe 

There are many great options to help protect your sexual health, but none of them are 100% effective. Even if you use condoms every time you have penetrative sex, you are still at risk of getting genital warts and herpes, as these can be passed through skin to skin contact. Going for an STI check or taking a home STI testing kit with a partner before having sex, can be a great way of protecting yourself and those you have sex with against STIs and HIV. However, not all STI checks check for all STIs, so it is important to speak to your healthcare provider and ask them what is being tested for as part of your screening.

Discussing with your sexual partners the type of contraception or protection options available to you, and agreeing on a type that works for everyone involved can help to reduce the risk of pregnancy, STIs and HIV. Looking out for sores or symptoms on a partner’s genitals before having sex with them, can help to identify STIs that they may not be aware of. If you do see any signs that someone may have an STI, do not have sex with them until you know for certain it is safe to do so. Asking someone about their sexual health history is the responsible thing to do before having sex, and it should not be taken as an insult if someone asks you about yours.