11 differences between porn and real life sex

People watch porn for different reasons, and not everybody chooses to watch porn. Although some people may feel that watching porn is harmless, watching porn can negatively impact your sexual experiences, desires, mental health and relationships with others. There are huge differences between porn and real life sex. Women and girls are regularly abused, and experience violence in porn, and this is shown to cause increased abuse of women in real life.

The reality is that real life sex is rarely like how it is portrayed in porn or movies. Sex can include any sexual act such as the touching or rubbing of genitals, oral, anal or vaginal sex. It can happen between people of all genders, sexuality, body sizes and abilities. Sometimes, sex can feel awkward at times and make people laugh. Remember, sex doesn’t have to be a performance; it just has to be something you and those you are having it with enjoy.

If you have watched porn there may be a chance that you have expectations of sex that are not realistic. You may also have concerns about your own sex life. If you feel like your sex life just does not live up to the sex you see online, you’re not alone. It’s impossible to live up to an ideal that doesn’t even exist.

Remember, communication is essential when discovering what type of sex you and your partner(s) enjoy. There are huge differences between pleasurable, consenting sex and porn. What is important is that you have the type of sex you enjoy, and don’t feel pressure to behave a certain way or do certain sexual acts just because you have seen it in porn.

11 differences between porn and real-life sex

1. Practising consent

Consent is rarely spoken about or even mentioned in porn, but it is so important. In porn, people always seem to be up for sex. Porn also often portrays women and LGBTI+ people as willing to do and try anything, including violent and demeaning sex (sex meant to humiliate). But sex should be safe and respectful. It is essential that when having sex or doing any sexual act that everyone involved consents, and do not feel pressured into having sex. You should never try to do something sexual with your partner without asking their permission first. If you want to have sex and your partner does not seem fully up for it you need to respectfully understand their decision and not pressure them to change their mind.

2. Communication is essential

Clear communication is essential during sex and often this is not seen in porn. In porn, people will often do things without permission and regardless of whether the other person enjoys it, but this should never happen in real life.Discovering what you and your partners enjoy together takes time and exploration, and talking is essential. If you try something and you don’t like it, you can stop at any time. You should also always ask your partner if they are enjoying what is happening and ask before trying something new. Remember, you never have to pretend you like something during sex to make your partner happy.

Taking time to talk about these things outside of the bedroom allows you to talk about your needs in a neutral space without any expectations. Finding the time to have these conversations can help with setting boundaries. However, communication doesn’t stop once you’re back in the bedroom. Consent is about making sure your partner is comfortable at all times, by asking or reading their body language. Everyone has the right to change their mind at any time, so it’s important to keep checking in with your partner.

3. Setting boundaries

Boundaries are essential when having sex. Setting a boundary means deciding what you are, and are not comfortable with and communicating this to those you have sex with. It also means allowing them to set their own boundaries, and respecting whatever decision they have made.

In porn, there is often no or little discussion between those having sex about what they want or what they enjoy. The sex can be violent and only for the sexual pleasure of one person, often the man. Remember, you never need to do something sexual you are not comfortable with. You can always say no and do not have to feel guilty about it. If someone continues to do something after you’ve told them you don’t want to, or if you’re being forced into something and you’re too scared to say anything, this is sexual assault.

4. Erections, body hair and body types

Porn often makes it look like a person can get a hard-on easily and that it can last for a long time, but this is not always the case. If you or a partner are having problems getting an erection or experiencing premature ejaculation, it is common and absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. If it continues to be a problem, it may be worth visiting your doctor or speaking to a sexual health professional about it.

Another difference between porn and real life sex, is that a porn star will often have a very big penis. If you’re feeling self-conscious about your genitals, remember that everyone’s genitals are different and size does not matter.

People in porn often look very similar, will have slim bodies and often be white. In real life, people come in all shapes and sizes, with different skin colours and abilities. Your body is unique to you and deserves to be loved and appreciated the way it is. Everyone deserves to have sexual pleasure in their life if that is what they want, and a body does not have to look a certain way to be desirable.

In porn, many of the people in the videos are often waxed or shaved, with no trace of body hair. Because of this, a lot of people might expect others to be completely hair-free, or feel pressured to remove their body hair. However in real life, people have body hair, and it is up to each person to decide if they want to remove their hair or not. You should never pressure someone to change their body hair or look a certain way for you.

5. Violence against women

Violence against women and LGBTQ+ people is frequently shown in porn. In porn, it is common to see women being slapped, spit on, have their hair pulled, be ejaculated (cum) on, or be choked and gagged. Often in porn when women are being physically hurt, they act like they are enjoying it and this can lead to false beliefs that everyone enjoys being treated this way.

Sex should be pleasurable, and if you are thinking of trying something during sex with a partner, talk to them about it first and ask their permission. It is also important to question if you really want to do something, or if you are only doing it because it is something you have seen previously in porn.

Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. Remember, you never need to do something sexual you are not comfortable with. You can always say no and do not have to feel guilty about it. If someone continues to do something after you’ve told them you don’t want to, or if you’re being forced into something and you’re too scared to say anything, this is sexual assault.
If you force someone to do something without their consent or continue to do something when consent is withdrawn this is a crime.

6. Anal sex

In some porn, anal sex can be common. However, in real life, not everyone is having anal sex. The position you choose to have sex in is completely down to what feels right to you and your partner. It should always be a position you are both comfortable with. No one should ever feel pressured to have a type of sex that they don’t want to. Remember, just because someone consents to have sex does not mean they consent to all types of sex. Similarly, if someone agrees to something once, it does not mean they will want it again. Always check in with your partner before trying a new position or style to make sure it is something they are comfortable with and definitely want to do.

7. Choking and strangulation

In porn, it is common to see violence against women and LGBTQ+ people during sex, particularly choking which is also called strangulation. Strangulation is incredibly dangerous as it restricts someone being able to breathe in oxygen, and blood flow to the brain. Choking or strangulation, even without the intention of hurting someone, can cause serious harm both physically and mentally. It can cause brain damage and also potentially cause death. The physical effects of being choked or strangled, remove a person’s ability to withdraw consent and if someone becomes unconscious they cannot consent. You should never feel pressured to allow someone to choke or strangle you nor pressure people into it. Since 2023, non-fatal strangulation or non-fatal suffocation is an offence in Ireland with a maximum sentence of ten years.

8. Foreplay

Foreplay, such as rubbing, kissing and oral sex, can often be missing from porn but it can be a very important element of sex. People may not be able to orgasm, or cum, or experience pleasure during penetrative sex without engaging in foreplay. Oral sex and sex using hands and fingers is also sex, and does not have to lead to penetration. Often people enjoy having these types of sex without wanting anything else afterwards.

9. Making noise and dirty talk

A lot of the noise you hear in porn is acting. However, not everyone will be loud when they’re having sex, even if they are enjoying it. If your partner is not making as much noise as you would find in porn, this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re not enjoying themselves. You should also not feel you have to make certain noises or act a certain way during sex. How you respond to your partner should come naturally to you.

Some people like talking dirty, some don’t. It comes down to personal preference. If you want to try dirty talk, make sure to set some boundaries with what your partner is comfortable with first. If you heard something in porn, check that your partner wants you to use certain terms before you engage in dirty talk.

10. Using protection

Often in porn, people have sex without using a condom or dental dams. However, this does not mean that everyone will have sex without using protection. Using a condom and/or other forms of protection every time you have sex is the only way to protect you and those you have sex with against STIs, HIV and pregnancy. No one should ever feel under pressure not to use protection during sex, and no one should ever take off a condom during sex without their partner’s permission first. If someone takes the condom off during sex without their partner’s permission, this is sexual assault.

11. Gender & Sexuality

People of all genders watch and are shown in porn. However, a lot of porn is made for men and by men, which affects the way a lot of porn is made. Women and LGBTQ+ people are often shown in porn as submissive or are disrespected, treated roughly or abusively. Other times the porn will only focus on a man’s pleasure. In real life, sex should be pleasurable and comfortable for all involved.

A lot of porn makes it seem like only straight and cisgender people are having sex, but this is not the case. In real life, people with all sorts of gender expressions and sexual orientations have sex. And, likewise, if you are straight and cisgender, do not feel pressured to have sex as those people do in porn.

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